Category: Let's talk
Ok guys I don't know where this post would belong but I really need help and I don't know where to start. I've talked to my friends and to my bf's family about some of the problems here but they can only help so much and I can't afford to see a therapist plus what I need help with goes beyond this.
My problem is this: I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is getting to the point where it's not healthy for my son to be around. Before I say anymore, I'd like to ask that you guys please not judge because I've tried putting a lot of thought and have tried taking other steps to fix things but I feel like I'm getting screwed no matter what I do. So anyway, about a year ago before Marshall was born, I tried to apply for section 8 housing and other things because things were kind of rocky between my bf and I before Marshall was in the picture but I got denied the section 8 and other housing programs I applied for since I don't have a credit score and whatever other reasons they came up with. Anyway, my bf is always bitching about his family and everyone he deals with fucking him over no matter what he tries to do in life anywere from a job to just support and I'm tired of him itching about it. I mean what I don't understand is, if he knew all this shit about the circle of people he deals with on a daily basis, why then did he choose to hae a kid with me? When I asked him this, he had replied that he was hoping he'd have more help and some of the bitching I agree with but he's constantly doing it and we're constantly fighting over all this. I get the impression that he doesn't want Marshall but when I asked if he loved my son, he never gave a straight answer. I like to believe he loves him and all, but he keeps saying he can't take care of him and do all the house stuff. I try to help as much as I can but people have fucked me over when it comes to helping me with cleaning skills and mobility skills because they all gave up on me or only worked with me so little on everything. So I'm trying to learn all the skills on my own. Anyway Marshall's father keeps talking about how he thinks we should give Marshall up but I feel strongly against it for personal reasons having to do with my childhood and I don't want my son to go through similar experiences that I had as an orphan and all. I just need to know how I can find homes or programs for single moms because I know I can't raise Marshall by myself bu I really don't want to give him up because I don't want him feel like I am abandoning him just as my birth parents abandoned me. I don't trust homeless shelters for sure. Marshall's father's constant stressing isn't helping me and it's certainly not ood for Marshall to be around since it's a daily thing. Sorry if I keep ranting but I need some kind of answer or housing idea. Also I've tried applying for jobs but all gthe jobs I've applied for said they don't have positions available plus neither of us can afford daycare for our son so we're both financially fucked. Grrrr! Also living with my parents isn't a choice because we don't have a good relationship and we never have but that would take another post to go into so I'm really stuck.
This is the guy who talks about he hates people like I've said before. I've gone through the idea of breaking off the relationship but that could be a huge mess either way. If I did break it off, what would I tell Marshall if he asks about his father? Do I let him see his dad? There's a whole set of problems with that scenario.
Have you looked into any training programs for your independence? A lot of them will work it out so that you and your child can live together and so that you can become more independent. Also, you receive SSI right? Try applying for a credit card to build credit. Other people might have other suggestions, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head.
I just feel so sorry for your child. You two should have been a little bit more careful so that this couldn't happen.
Our child was planned, but I feel like I was more emotionally ready than his father and I thought he was just as prepared but I guess not. I did look into the training programs but they aren't going to work for me right now specially since my child is so young and all and other reasons plus as I found out this past Christmas, he doesn't do well with long trips and there's really nothing here locally. Also, my bf and I've been together for 4 years prior to Marshall with us breaking up once from the father's doing, not mine. When we did get back the second time, I am learning things about him that I'm not sure I'd like to deal with the rest of our lives together so if we break up again, this will be the final time but I just don't know how to work that out with Marshll in the picture, I'm not even sure how this could turn out into a civil thing and all for Marshall's sake since the relationship with the dad and I together isn't really good right now.
Trisha,
I'm not going to bitch, but fair warning...you may not like everything I'm going to say. Please read, though. I may not be able to give you a ton of nuts-and-bolts help on housing and programs, but I might be able to clarify a few other things.
First things first: you've got to figure out exactly where you stand, and stop deferring blame here.
You say your partner maybe shouldn't have had a kid with you. That's fair, but shouldn't you also have known what he was like, and avoided having a kid with him? You say Marshall was planned. So either you knew what this guy was like and you made a mistake, oor else you didn't know and maybe should have, and still maybe made a mistake.
The sooner you accept this part, the sooner you can move on. Because everyone makes mistakes; it's how you try and fix them which largely defines you.
Okay, so mistake or not, you're in this mess, and it's not an easy one. I can respect the difficulty you're having.
My opinions are as follows:
1. There are almost certainly options for you. I'm sorry that you've been fucked over in the past, but you can't let that stop you from trying. Marshall is depending on you.
2. I personally don't feel you're in a position to give Marshall up. Please, please don't do this unless you've exhausted every other choice. I don't think you have.
3. If you leave Marshall's father, it's going to get awkward, but take it from me...Marshall is young, and based on what this guy's like, you may not want him associating really closely with his dad anyway. I'm not saying you should hurt him in any way, but leaving him early might be better all around than staying in a relationship that is clearly toxic.
Just my two cents' worth.
I totally agree with what's been said already and also urge you to look in to some programs that can help you in the mean time. There are tons of options for single women with children (if you live in America, that is) and you should definitely apply for them so you can get out of your current situation. You really need to be an adult about this, that means stop making excuses as to why you can't do something (I.E. your son "doesn't do well on long trips" if a long trip is necessary for his future then a few hours of discomfort might have to happen). It also means working things out with your partner; I'm not saying you should stay with him but you do need to talk to him about what he would like to do in terms of your son. Does he want to give up custody completely, have joint custody, how often does he want to see his son, how do you feel about that? Do you want him to pay child support? You don't need to answer these questions here but you should most definitely think about these things and research them heavily. You should also get everything done officially so that your current partner can't change things without your consent later (I.E. You guys informally agree to a certain amount in child support and then he lowers it in the future).
I am sorry your marriage isn’t working as you feel it should.
I only have your side of this story, so I’m going to take the middle.
take your child completely out of your dispute.
I know from previous post, you receive support for him, so he’s not causing you a financial hardship.
Managed correctly, he is actually benefitual at this point, due to his age.
Because he is small, if you repair, or end your relationship, he’ll not suffer.
When people, meaning your spouse, are frustrated, they say things they may not mean. They want the easy way out.
They see fault were fault doesn’t exist.
Having a child, or not having a child, won’t solve the issues, he’ll still have them.
Never try restricting one parent from seeing the child unless you can prove it is dangerous, unhealthy. This is an unfair fight, and should never be started for emotional reasons.
Let’s start from the bottom.
Because of history post, I don’t think you’re able to live alone. Your fight before was due to your lack of skills and willingness to get them, and you’ve not improved from much from what you say.
You need your spouse’s support for your day to day life, and would suffer greatly without it.
This is not saying stay in your marriage. If you are going to leave.
Go home. Go home were you can receive parental support. While at home, sign up for your state VR program and get some basic skills even if you do travel to get them.
It has been pointed out these centers will accept you and your child.
If I am wrong, and you now have enough basic skills to manage your home alone, your next step could be going to a women’s shelter for mothers and children.
The shelters will help you find a place to live, and get you resettled.
The risk with this, is you must be able to handle it, or you’ll run the risk of them deciding to remove your child from you because you aren’t able to take care of him or yourself.
Once you can prove this, you can get him back, and they’ll allow you visiting, but it is a hassle you can avoid if you can.
Apply again for housing. Don’t apply once and give up, you must continue to apply.
If were you live now is already low income based, negotiate with your spouse who will move, and move to another unit in your complex.
You can’t take everything just half, so you’ll need to replace some stuff so it is fair.
Speak with your case worker about relocating you. This will be a great source, but again, you must be able to manage you and your child alone.
The only reason I’m suggesting you and your child, is because I’m assuming your spouse doesn’t want the responsibility, so will not fight it.
If he did want the responsibility, he’d be the better parent based on your previous post if he took care of his anger and did not blame it on his son.
From what you’ve posted, he has basic living skills and can handle life on his own, you couldn’t.
Put your computer to work researching low income places and support service for women with children. Call, sign up, and do what is required.
That is what you should do.
I'm open to questions.
Just to clear up a point, I'm not the one who wants to give Marshall up. His father is the one who has said time and time again that we should put him up for adoption. As I have said earlier, I'd rather exhaust every resource before adoption due to my history and all.
Right right, I know that. I'm only reinforcing that. Don't give in to that pressure if things get tough.
Right on Greg. I'm a stubborn person so I'll do whatever it takes to keep my child. I want to be there for him and give Mrshall the best life he can possibly have.
Okay. Now what?
Right, are you going to look into any programs for you and your baby so that you can, I don't know, get on your feet to get out of this abusive relationship?
I would suggest speaking with the BF first to make custodial arrangements, assuming he wants anything to do with the child, as was suggested in post six. If you can't even get a straight answer to the question of whether or not the father loves martial, then there's a major problem. It's either yes or no, nothing in between.
I see it exactly that way.
Yes, or no. If he says no, have him put it in writing, and have it notarized, witnessed.
Haven't read all your posts.
But Tricia how about when you sever the relationship see if he can sign away his parental rights? That means no child support, though. No such thing as rights without responsibilities and vice versa. But then he could give up the child and you keep him.
He doesn't want the boy, you want the boy. There's a solution, but it means you have to be an adult and manage it like a solution. Divorce the father, get him to sign away his paternal rights. Women often don't because they want child support from the man. But that would solve your problem. like, dare I say, a "strong, independent woman" we've all heard about, and some of us actually know in real life.
It's not always that easy to get a man to sign away his rights. In Texas, for
example, a man cannot sign away his rights to avoid taking responsibility for
the child. Most judges won't go for that, especially if the mother is on any sort
of public assistance.
Maybe I've got bad information or your state is different. I hope you're able to
come to some sort of resolution with this matter. I highly suggest that you start
working with a social worker if you have one because from what I can tell,
you're going to need quite a bit of assistance, far more than what we can offer
here. I wish you and your son the best of luck. As for his father, he might want
to consider a vasectomy. Just saying.
Not sign away his rights, he is agreeing that he's okay with her leaving with the child, because he doesn't want it.
That will avoid issues when he wakes up mad and wants to raise hell.
That is assuming he feels as posted.
I don't agree he shucks financial responsibility if and when he is able. A man should always try to take care of his off spring no matter how he feels about it.
Oh I agree that's what he should do. But is this guy working? Enough to support two households?
He only has one part time job and works only 15 hours a week, that is all he has right now.
Does your state have any kind of charity or organisation that provides respite care? Maybe all he needs is a break?
Failing this, you need to have serious and frank talks with your partner. you need to ask questions straight up. why he wants to give martial up, does he realise how painful that is for you? won't it be painful for him?
If you love your son, really love him, then doing what is best for him is what you need right now. You need living skills. you need to work your arse off to get good at mobility and household stuff and baby care.
Do you love your partner? does he love you? more questions for both of you.
Finally, you may need to accept that you could fail at all this. You need to prepare for the worst, because if you split, social services could still take him from you without the support of your partner and his family. You need to decide what will happen in that case. There are such things as open adoption, where you would still have some access to martial.
Kids should always have the option open to be close to both parents. Dads should always have the option to be close to their kids.
I agree with Perestroika on this stuff.
Makes a ton of sense.
I'm going to be a jerk here, but I think its a fair question. Do you feel that
you have the life skills to take care of a child? Granted, that question should
have been asked before you got pregnant, or certainly when you found out you
were pregnant, but its still a fair question. If you decide to raise your child on
your own, do you have the skills, right now, to take care of him in a safe,
healthy environment? Honestly, judging by your past board posts, I'm skeptical
that the honest answer to that question is yes. A baby should not be raised in
an environment where his mother needs to learn how to do cleaning on her
own. Sure, mothers have things they have to learn, like how to change a diaper
or how to shush a crying infant, so do fathers. How to clean, remember the date
of a doctor's appointment, make a doctor's appointment, and get to that doctors
are not covered under the acceptable things one can learn on the fly.
Now, I don't claim to know all the details of your situation, so take this with a
fistful of salt, but if you've already had child services at your house with two
parents, do you really think you're ready to go to bat by yourself?
fair point.
Reyami
Lol, sorry about the previous post... I've forgotten that I have cut and paste something before posting...
Anyways, back to the topic at hand.
I have to echo Cody’s sentiment… This is not about what you or the father’s needs and wants… It has everything to do with your baby’s needs. Being stubborn is great if you use said determination to better your daily living and travel skills thus enhance your abilities to best care for your son. However, it would be idiotic to say the least if you want to keep him at all cost without the financial means and skills to properly care for the baby. Be forewarned that his needs will only increase as he grows… Do you have the skills and patient to care for him when teething comes in thus making him winey and needy do to pain and thereby keeping you up all night at times? Does he have healthcare coverage should he fallen ill? Do you know how to prepare baby food, keep a clean house, and know how to perform first aid basics? How about a social connection with other parents so that your son can interact with his peers later on? I am only scratching but the surfice of what you’d have to face raising this baby alone. Sometimes, although adoption is a painful process, but it might be what is best for a child unless said parent is ready to do all that she can to better her life thus his as well.
I do want to step in here just a bit.
While Kim and Cody do have a point, I've known of a lot of single moms who, for instance, don't really know first-aid basics and don't really have connections with a lot of other moms who might be able to help, and they muddled through. Admittedly they were sighted, which helps a bit.
To me, it looks like you've started out the business of having a baby kind of badly, but you've started picking it up a little. As for whether it's good enough? To be honest, I don't know. I'm a bit skeptical too, but you might have enough to go on by now.
Whatever happens, you do have a lot to do in the future, and it's not really going to get easier.
One thing to consider, guys: if Marshall's dad has mostly been an impediment in the past (suggesting spanking, not really pulling his weight, basically seeming to fight Trisha at almost every turn, etc), then removing him from the equation, while it does take away a monetary resource that can't be ignored, might also seriously help Trisha's mindset, and might provide, however indirectly, a better environment for her son. It's a thought, anyway.
I'm well aware that I'm posting this without any knowledge of you, your life, your past, or your abilities, other than what I've seen on this thread and the one about your issues with your landlord. That being said, I have some strong opinions on several aspects of this discussion, so here's my general advice:
I agree with whoever said that your boyfriend either does or does not love his child. There is no in-between. So make him answer the question once and for all. If the answer is no, or if the answer is not forthcoming, then make him sign away his rights if such a thing is legal in your state. If he doesn't love the child, then the child is better off without him. It's as simple as that. Do not keep him in your and your child's life just for the sake of child support either. As others said, find a way to make it on your own. You don't want to instill in your child the notion that he should keep toxic people in his life just for the financial convenience they may provide.
I do not agree that daily living skills cannot be learned after one becomes a parent. Sure, it's not an ideal situation, but so many of us grew up without the opportunity to learn said skills through no fault of our own. There's no reason to penalize us for that, especially to the extreme of taking our kids away. That being said, it is now your responsibility to rectify your lack of skills. Find a training program that will allow you to live with your child while you learn, as was suggested above.
One more thing, you're already on DCS's radar, and that's not good. I would strongly suggest that you research all of the disability rights groups in your state and have an advocate and/or a lawyer on standby, just in case they try to interfere again. Compile a list of contact info for all the different media outlets in your area and let them know if anything happens. It would also be a good idea to have contact info for all the higher-ups at DCS in your state. Or you may just want to consider moving to a new place so that they'll be off your back.
If you love your kid, then you'll do whatever is necessary to avoid giving him up or having him taken from you.
Becky
I love that Greg's and my responses were posted within a minute of each other and that they basically say the same thing. lol
Greg... A baby is not an experiment... And you picked 2 very weak points to justify as reasons to keep her child. Yes, I agree that a social network is the least of her worries, however, it is nevertheless important for her mental state of being to tlak to other parents face to face and even exchange services of having potential play dates to give herself a break.
Moreover, removing herself and her baby away from the dad may eliminate some issues while adding others perhaps bigger ones in the process.
Oh and, one more thing... Never under estimate the role of a dad no matter how minimum... Also, we only have her side of the story to go on. Is he really as bad as she made him out to be? Judging by her other topic, she sounds ... and I did say sounds... like an irresponsible parent too by not doing the research on parenting and all that's involved. Especially since this baby is planned, so you can't tell me she didn't have time to do the proper research even if the skills demands time to acquired.
She said in another topic under the parent talk section that she did do research. she seems overwhelmed by all the conflicting advice out there. I realize that is no excuse; I'm just clarifying.
She also refers to the father as "my boyfriend"...so those who are saying she's married, I think are misunderstanding things.
I'm also sure that she, too, is partially to blame for the way things have turned out. It takes two to tango, after all...
Ok, let's get some things straight here and I'm not trying to come off as defensive here so bare with me. You all have made some valid points and I really do appreciate it as harsh as some of the points were. The father and I are not and I stress, N.O.T. married. I have found lots of ways to compensate for the things that I couldn't do or thought I couldn't due to lack of self confidence. I mean since my very first post on the parenting board, I hve come a long way and I can now do all the necessary stuff for Marshall such as changing diapers, feeding, clothing, bathing, and yes, I even know how to prepare his solid food and/or bottles of milk although he won't take solid food from me right now, he still prefers my milk which is ok since he's only 9 months right now but I digress. Anyway, the issues that I am worried about should I ever be a single parent is how to keep track of his whereabouts as he gets more mobile with age thus running, walking, and what have you. I have figured out ways to take him to doctor's appointments now and I know what to do to soothe him in times of extreme crankiness and teething now. I know how to give him medicine when he's sick since I've had to give him baby cough syrup I just learned that since the last time I posted the question about what medications to give and how to go about administering them. As for my cleaning and cooking and all those skills, I have had someone start coming in to teach me and I just very recently started hiring a worker from a home help agency to come in again and help out also. The worker will come in every day for a couple hours daily nd she gets paid by the state. So I just want yall to know, I am making progress with a lot more than I started out with when Marshall first entered the equation. I just really want things to work out in some way with the three of us as a family though.
Right then.
Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but solid foods are a really really excellent idea by nine months. You may have to get a heavier hand on that. Most babies I've known are eating some solids by nine months.
I'm glad you've got someone in now, to teach you the things you were having trouble with. I know if you're starting from ground zero, everything seems huge and daunting and scary...but the great part is that once it starts to move, you'll be able to look back and say "Jeez, that wasn't so bad at all, was it?". Many progress-related issues are that way; starting is hardest, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Please understand, I'm not saying that being hesitant is an excuse. It's not, though for awhile it was for you. But you have begun, so all you can do is commit yourself as much as you're able and essentially make up for your shortcomings. Better late than never, and all that.
Keep up the progress! I'm not a parent, so I can't tell you how I'd handle things. Off hand, I think I'd worry about the child, as he's the one who depends on you. If the boyfriend wants to stay and be a part, then great, but if he doesn't, it may be in everyone's best interest to let him go. I wish the best, for all of you. You'll gain confidence as you move along.
he should definitely have a little solid food each day, but not too much. the saying goes 'food before 1 is just for fun' so she has some time on that score.
but you should try to get a few little spoons in before each feed if you can, because after 12 months he will start needing those more.
We try to give Matilda a tiny meal 3 times a day so that she's eating about 100 mls all up of food a day, not including milk.
Trisha, if your bf doesn't want to be a dad, nothing you do can force him to do so. he has to do it on his own terms and in his own time. However if he is bullying you to put martial up for adoption then you need to put your foot down if this is something you don't want. you need to tell him straight that it's a definite no. you'll fight for your son, even if it means losing him in the process.
If that's what you're willing to do.
Gregg, a child isn't a social experiment. You can't just say that plenty of mums get by. yeah, they have, and plenty also haven't. not to mention she's already on the radar of social services, so she can't afford to just get by or muddle along.
He is eating solids, he's been eating them since 6 months, but only not for me. He will for everyone else since he associates me with milk lol. But I'm not too worried about that right now since tht's still his main source of nutrition at least that's what my wic advisor and his pediatrician says. Oh and before any of yall start bitching about how often I've been posting on boards, I have free time when his father is watching him or when Marshall's napping and I'm not tired, but I still do a lot of the taking care of him ie feeding changing and bathing him so... just clearing that up before it becomes a debating point. On that note, I will go see what my son is doing at this moment.
if he won't eat solids for you, how will you feed him if you end up leaving his dad? these are problems you need to solve before that happens, not after.
My daughter associates me with milk but will take solids from me gladly. don't offer too much, just a few teaspoons and then done, but make it a perminent part of your day so that he starts to learn to take them from you as well. keep trying. I know how frustrating it is.
I didn't know that bit about babies being all right on non-solids before the age of one. Most babies eat solids by six or seven months, even if the solids are nothing but mush of some fruit, vegetable or other. I'm glad to know he's in no real danger here. Otherwise I agree with Loui in the sense that getting him acclimatized to taking solids from you is definitely a good idea. Even if you don't end up on your own with him, you're getting to a point where, on certain things at least, you can start becoming more firm, and food is one of them.
I didn't learn to chew until I was about 4 years old. My grandmother would chew the food for me and feed it to me. Mom was grossed out by it, so she would take me to my grandmother for mealls, which wasn't so terribly bad, since we lived next door. I only say this to point out that there were things Mom couldn't do, and I turned out relatively ok... (Yes, I know it's a matter of opinion. Hahaha)
it's recommended that a baby's primary source of food under 1 year is milk. they can have a small amount of solids, but our nurse says it should not be more than 100mls a day, and if she gets sick of it after a few spoons, we just stop. baby's have solids to get used to the idea of eating. they should also not have fruit before one year. you should stick to baby food containing only grains, some root veg like potato or carrot and a little meat. breast milk and formular contain more than enough sugar for a baby, so don't go putting more in his system with fruit. babies should also be getting a few sips of water with their solids to get used to that as well.
My daughter was eating solid things by six or seven months, I'd cook up ramen or other soft noodles, no seasoning, adding in peas / corn / carrots so long as they were mashed up. And, this was the early 90s so probably people do it different now, let her eat it with her hands off the tray in the high chair.
An information disparity isn't terribly uncommon between parents. It's all in the motivation, speaking of the father here. What I lacked in all the child development knowledge stuff that her mom had, I made up for in the just common sense street smarts / ability to make some kinds of food from scratch. Not a hippie or back-to-earther, just been pretty poor at times in my life, so I knew how.
We're such opposites in background the daughter jokes about us now.
So it's not really what you don't know; it's what yu're prepared to find out.
you don't gotta know it all, I never did. I never really learned all the developmental stuff She knows.
But you, and he, has just got to have some sense.
Let me say one more thing, Tricia. When I was younger and a bit of a cuck, behaving like a fool with "one good man syndrome", I believed I could help some other guy "step up to the plate" and be the dad he should. That's bullshit. I was a total failure at convincing him to. He was technically right: Nobody had gone out and convinced me to do it, so how could I think I was gonna convince him.
Your boyfriend there either wants to or not. If he doesn't, you might be able to get the State to enforce child support payments, taking a bite out of the payments along the way, or wipe him off / get him to rescind his parental rights and move on.
I know a ton of young cucks out there pining for absolution aren't gonna believe me on this, and probably wanta be the one good man to bring home this wayward deadbeat. But that's BS: Forget him. You don't have to ask a dad if he loves his kid. It shows or it don't.
Put it this way: Do you think anyone doubts that you love your baby? Has anyone had to ask you? Probably not to both questions. Well a dad's just the same on that account.
I'd like to believe he loves Marshall cause unless he's just a plain manipulator or has greedy intentions which I don't think he is, why else then would he do for Marshall things he already does? I mean he does buy clothes and spends time with Marshall and all. Also on the note on eating solid food, Marshall won't eat jarred food for me but if I give him a little of this or that from whatever I eat, he will eat it and I just finger feed it to him since he won't eat from a spoon. I don't get him sometimes but I have given him a lot of stuff except for anything with cow's milk since he can't have that till he's one according to research that I've done.
He'll eat from you. Right now he doesn't have to, so just wants the breast and the close.
Again, he's not the problem.
I am happy to learn I was wrong about your skill level. You have come up. Smile.
You have support coming to help you and all.
Use this same support to relocate to another unit, or place in your city. You already have the people, or service in place to use.
Your main thing is an agreement between you and spouse.
If it is over it is over, and I mean between you two.
You won't ever keep him from his child, so if he wishes, he'll visit.
Just get your agreement in writing, not that you mean to keep him away, but that he's agreed you'll do the parenting and he's not interested.
You are putting things on your son that have nothing to do with him.
Even his dad saying he wants to give him up has nothing to do with him.
It's not hurting his feelings.
Settle your problems between you and spouse, or move.
You are his gard, protector, so it only has to do with you.
Trisha, be careful what you give to him from your plate. Martial isn't allowed salt or other seasoning yet either.
Trisha, be careful what you give to him from your plate. Martial isn't allowed salt or other seasoning yet either.
I'm gonna have to disagree with the concensus here. You haven't progressed.
You've come up to average. You've hired someone to come and teach you how
to prepare foods and such. That would have been great when you were two
months pregnant, not when your baby is nine months old. I realize how harsh
that is, but its the truth. The fact that you're just now coming to the conclusion
that you need to know this stuff is troubling. Especially since even I know that
children change drastically and quickly as they grow. so you weren't prepared in
the slightest for him as an infant, are you prepared for him as a todler? How
long will you take for you to be prepared for him as a todler? How much time
will he have to spend as a todler before you are prepared to take care of him?
Because, I'm sorry, but right now you just aren't ready to take care of him.
You're able to scrape by, but if you can't even prepare a meal for him, you're
not ready for him once he progresses even the slightest bit from the stage he's
at now. You can't just prepare him canned soup and pizza until you've learned
how to cook.
And please, mothers, don't step in with your, well no one is really prepared for
a baby, even when they plan everything correctly because babies are little train
wrecks with adorable giggles that you just can't prepare for. That's a crock, and
you all know it. Yes, there are variables you can't prepare for. That doesn't
mean you can't prepare for a baby entirely. We can all agree, even those that
agree silently, that the care for this child that has been described here, and in
other boards by this same poster, is woefully lacking. So lets not start pulling
out cute platitudes to try and defend the indefensible.
I like to give people who are trying some praise. I believe this is productive.
She's come a long way, and this is good.
She'll even go more if she continues.
Nothing beats a try.
Is it good enough? Maybe not yet.
Is it progress? Well, considering how things were several months ago? Yes, I'd say it's progress.
Calling it progress doesn't mean that all danger is gone and everything's all right. It just means that the first steps have been taken.
Just a heads-up: I remember eating all kinds of canned pasta, frozen pizza, french fries and other crap as a toddler. I wasn't being fed things like salads and fresh veggies on a regular basis, and I hated fruit. There are ways to get around an inability to cook or prepare food well, as long as you use things like vitamins and whatnot. I didn't even do that half the time, and I turned out okay.
All that being said, continuing to improve your abilities will make Marshall happier and healthier, and will probably make you feel better too. Here's the neat thing about progress, Trisha (and you may be feeling this already): the more you do, the better you may feel. Sure, you'll still screw stuff up here and there, or have questions, or have days where everything just sucks...but knowing that you're at least -trying to do the right thing will probably help you not feel so trapped. And not feeling trapped is one step toward proactively doing what you're supposed to do for a child depending on you.
So I'm not going to be the one to say "congratulations, you're an amazing parent". You don't have to be, and you aren't. All I'm going to say is "Okay, you got the ball rolling. Now for heaven's sake keep it rolling."
One last note:
Loui, you say Marshall "isn't allowed" to have salt or seasonings? I'm kinda curious why this is. Some people are very finicky about what baby gets to eat before a year old, while some would give baby almost anything as long as they wouldn't choke on it, and as long as new foods were introduced in very very small portions. I know most parents my mom's age did that...baby food and breastmilk and all, of course, but every so often they might try me on applesauce, mashed carrots, even something like a tiny piece of hot dog to see if I liked it (I really, really didn't, apparently).
It's a bit of back-and-forth I've heard a lot. Some say "anything in close moderation", others say "absolutely no food of type x before age y".
Perestroika you're probably right in the most proper sense. My Wife used to try and institute strict things for what she could have what and when. But, well, I said she's the better more refined educator type and me an average working class guy. But I ran into the older versions of myself when I was younger, and they always said they as dads just let their little ones have a bit of everything. A particular laughable situation was an older Mexican who thought the whole "no spice" thing had to be just a white thing.
I didn't go overboard, but the older generation -- older when I was youhnger I mean, -- used to tell us younger guys that letting your baby eat more diverse stuff and sometimes run into things that wasn't officially allowed like spice, makes them less picky when they get older.
Not sure it worked, well, the daughter got a compromise of me and her mom on that stuff. Anyway there's not just one way to do this.
Wayne, we're talking about a helpless, defenseless child here. I don't think we
should be giving out "well, you tried" medals.
I'm not worried about her child. She has said she can do for him the basic things.
If that is so, she's doing well.
She has support, so can and will learn more.
The thing is progress.
Kids just aren't all that difficult to take care of.
She talked about keeping him safe when he starts to be mobile, but that's easy too.
You simply put everything away or up high that is a hazard.
Locked your door and you're pretty good.
Put some bells on him, or something that makes noise, or put him in a play pen with you have to do things and can't be as attentive.
He's not her problem, resettling is.
A bell, yes. I totally was gonna mention a bell and forgot.
That, and communication. Some kids are good with this, some kids aren't. When Marshall gets old enough that he can understand your speech and can say things like "yes" and "no" and can generally get his point across, that'll help too. Try to explain to him that your eyes don't work so you can't see him, and that he can help you keep him safe. As I said, it won't always work well; some kids are prankish and will test boundaries, while some are actually really sweet about it.
And I hope none of you others have a problem with this. Trying to encourage mom to get baby to actively take part in this sort of thing isn't laziness, it's practicallity. In a small house or apartment it shouldn't be too big a deal.
Also...yeah. Keep your poisons (cleaners and the like) way the hell out of his reach, even if it means the only place he can't get to is somewhere up high that requires you to get a chair when you need them. Better to inconvenience yourself a bit than risk him getting into something because he's curious and doesn't know better.
The so called allows or not probably changed over the years as food science are further studied. Some spices have negative effects on the baby's digestive system as well as dary products before the age of one. Honey, as another example, although has great benefit, can cause botulism if given to an infant.
And again, all we have to go on concerning the dad is her words. Why are people so quick to judge him yet making justifications for her behaveours?
Thank you Chelsea for the clarification. Doing research is one thing, taking what you've learned and apply is another. What I take issue with partially is the lack of common sense the OP is showing among other things.
And yes, I guess some small, and I do mean small progress is better than none at all. I'd congratulate her if a little one isn't involved.
I don't even congratulate, but precisely for the sake of that little one, I'd rather encourage than be mean. Encouraging doesn't mean "you're done, stop trying now", it means "You've started, keep going", as I've said before.
Kim, I knew the thing about honey, but didn't know about spices and whatnot harming a baby's digestive system, particularly in small quantities. Learn something new every day I suppose.
Funny thing though: the more shit we put into our food, the more you see people who can't tolerate glutin or dairy or half a hundred other things. yet, if you give baby a dash of scrambled egg when they're eight months old, or a couple of raspberries at nine months, the worst they ever seem to get is a slightly runny poop which doesn't seem to bug them. In other words, the number of children and adults with food-related problems and intolerances goes up even as the list of disallowed foods for baby also increases. Funny parallel.
Not harm Greg, just discomfort. And trust me... If any discomfort can be avoided, as a parent you'd want to follow the advice, lol.
Also, the goal is to teach a baby how to appreciate the natural flavor of any given food without introducing such things as sugar and salt. Nothing stop you from introducing spice later on though.
You're a parent and I'm not, Kim. I've known many parents who did what Leo did, and I've known a good handful who do it more like you and Loui are talking about. I can definitely see what you're saying about sugar and salt though. Our food gets enough of that already.
I'm sure there aren't any parents here that were ever 100% prepared for parenthood. I've heard of parents doing everything by books and whatnot but yet when that little miracle arrived, they were nervous and all even though they were as prepared as they could be. Those who think they were 100% prepared are fooling themselves. Correct me if I'm wrong. On that note, not everyone is an awesome gourmet cook. I can prepare simple things such as pasta, rice, canned shit and the like so I'm sure Marshall wil be fine as food goes when he's older. By the way, WIC stops when he's five and without that, I can't really get good healthy stuff since fruits meat and vegies are quite expensive and I'm only living off of SSI and I don't get a lot in food stamps, just under $100. I have applied for other benefits here but was denied because I get the full amount of $733 in SSI so in 5 years when WIC ends and I still don't have a job, I'm pretty much fucked as far as good healthy food, right?
Gregg, salt is especially bad for the little kidneys of babies, which are still developing, so you have to watch their salt intake even up to the age of 2. they have no salt in baby food, precicely for this reason and that is why it tastes bland.
Trisha, there were definitely elements of becoming a parent that scared the shit out of me. I freely admit that. However Matilda was totally a planned baby, so for us, the shock was at least minimal. My husband has done this twice before, so I had a great deal of support there. What concerned me is that you only ever mentioned some random blind parenting cource that you took and the research from that. I don't recall you ever researching or reading up on other methods of parenting and opinions. It took you a long time to get to this board and even to the blind parent alliance. and I want to stress that you cannot put this off. you need to learn and you need to learn fast. I hope you can, because a tiny human being is depending on you.
You cannot be passive about this, you need to be prepared to fight tooth and nail for your son if you want to keep him, because as far as social services see, you haven't been fantastic so far, and you are already on their radar.
Cody, I wasn't even planning to defend her. I am a mother, and I have a planned child. when she says her child was planned, my eyebrows go up, because it really doesn't seem like it at all.
Ok, so some of your benefits are going to end. What are you going to do
about that? and no, not everyone is a gourmet cook, but you need to be able to
cook more than just pasta and rice. Pasta and rice require boiling water, nothing
more. What about proteins when he's old enough? What about vegetables and
starches? are you going to know how to cook chicken, or hamburger, or pork
chops, or potatoes, or anything ike that? How are you going to afford those
kinds of things if your benefits run out? Cuz he's going to need those things.
Yes, canned foods can get you a bit of that, but its nothing compared to real
food, and real food doesn't have all the salts that canned food does.
The Hadley course was a series and they weren't the only method of research I did. I read a ton of other parenting books from different libraries but none really mentioned discipline or things about baby food or taking care of a baby, they just told me facts that I needed to know but no step by step instructions, so I had tried to get rehab counselors and teachers at school to work with me on baby stuff. Unfortunately everybody dropped the ball until it was near crunch time, so what was I supposed to do? When I was in high school, they had those simulated baby dolls, does anyone remember those at the blind schools? Well, I begged and begged the teachers to let me work with those, but they always had my schedules crammed with other classes and they also apparently were running out of those baby dolls or other careless students were mistreating those dolls so I never got the chance. I also worked at a daycare when I was 16, but it was a volunteer program through my high school and the daycare didn't allow volunteers to do personal things like changing diapers and such. The babies I worked with were 3 months and up so all I was allowed to do was bottlefeed and anyting else except handle diapers like I said. I promise you guys I'm not trying to make excuses, but I did my best and some of those circumstances I didn't have control over. Also outside of the daycare stuff I never got to babysit because my parents put into my head that no mother would ever want to hire a blind person to babysit their children because we were a minority so I was never given any opportunities.
I agree with all these folks out here, that you have to keep pushing yourself. However, you are doing something right. I have seen states' services, and they are harsh on the disabled parent! So Keep doing what you are doing, and never stop improving who you are, as a mother and person!
Blessings,
Sarah
Trisha,
Your original shortcomings are understandable, to a point, but why you had a child in the first place is beyond me. You were ill-prepared by your own admission. I've heard it said that you had a child deliberately, yet here you are saying you weren't ready. That was a traitorous, dangerous thing to do, to your child, to your partner and to your baby if that's true. if it's not, then feel free to disregard. If Marshall was an accident (as in, you were doing what you could to make sure he didn't happen, short of not having sex at all)...well, that's a little different.
But here you are. You've had three quarters of a year since Marshall came into the world, and another three-quarters of a year or thereabouts while you were pregnant. That's a year and a half for you to look at your skillset, your capabilities and go, "Uh-oh. I've really got to get my shit together". And you're starting to do that now, so that's good. Part of the reason you're getting flak is because you're running uphill here, metaphorically speaking. You should've done this quite awhile ago, and with a bit more effort I think.
But you didn't, so here you are, and now you're kinda making what you can of things.
You don't have to become supermom. You don't have to become a gourmet cook. But between now and when Marshall turns five, the time your assistance or whatever cuts out, you owe it to yourself to pick up on some cooking. Fruits are a bit expensive, yes, but veggies aren't so bad. You may not be able to give your child an absolutely 100% healthy diet (many single moms can't), but if you play your cards right you may be able to make do. Try and think of some other ways you might be able to earn money, for a start. Is there anyone to watch Marshall while you work? Are you employable?
Difficult questions, and you aren't going to solve these problems tomorrow, or even next month, but the time to think about them is now, or very very soon, not in three years. Keep that ball rolling.
Actually as he gets older you'll receive different benefits for him.
I know for a fact your state has what is called the wick program. Check in to this.
Fresh veggies and such can be gotten, ask the provider that comes to teach you house skills, she'll tell you how.
I didn't bad mouth the dad. In fact, I said if he was actually angry, and put that aside, he'd be the better parent.
He's mor able to run a house.
To bad you can't workout differences and do it together, but that is that.
We've only got one side of this story, so I'm remaining in the middle.
Your benefits aren't going to end. You just need to use more services to live if you can't work.
Oh oh, something I just thought of...and depending on what sort of place you have, this might be tricky.
What about growing some of your own veggies? You won't be able to grow everything, but if you have access to more than just a balcony and the space it provides, you might be able to learn a little gardening and do stuff like tomatoes and lettuce, maybe certain types of peppers...I'm not sure all what, you might be better off asking someone with more of a green thumb. But if you are able to do this, either where you are now or wherever you may end up, you'll probably save money in the long run.
that is a good idea but I'm not sure how that will go with my landlord and we have a balcony and I know nothing about our yardspace though
That's the thing. It's something to ask, if nothing else. Maybe it's a dead end, and maybe there's a little bit of grass out back where you might be able to start a garden. You won't know till you ask. And hey, if it doesn't work...well at least you tried.
So I was just curious about something. For the ladies who have posted to my board topics, how many of your partners are involved in these discussions? I know people have mentioned something about trying to get my bf involved so I was just wondering.
So you don’t feel too sorry for her not being able to get fresh vegetables and fruits.
Where she lives, she has what is called food banks. If she desired, she could go and pick up these items weekly for free.
If she can’t travel, she can even have them delivered to her home via volunteers.
She does not have to try growing anything in an apartment.
Here’s an example.
http://fox2now.com/2014/12/15/organic-produce-company-donates-fruits-and-vegetable-to-food-bank/
I neglected to menschen.
These same food banks provide frozen, or canned vegetables and fruits as well.
I do order stuff from schwans a couple times a month and its really good stuff for the most part. However, the stuff is all frozen but it is said the quality is high and though they are a little pricy, they are worth it.
I'm not a benefits expert but I know this much from some of my family working around these government type programs.
If you're a woman, especially a woman with kids, there's no reason you'd have to skimp. There's so much benefit out there. There's Tanif, which isn't much I'll admit. But there is all kinds of small business programs specifically for women. There's Healthy kids programs for different things as he gets bigger.
I'll say this too, even though I'm not a big government kind of a guy. Those programs are there because your local community wants you to be able to use it if you need it. Everyone's down on their luck sometime. I've had to do things for my family I didn't like either. I mean, who wants to go to the government office? But especially the local community or state-specific stuff is there for people like you who are down on their luck. And as a woman, especially a woman with a child, there's all kinds of programs just for you. Look up Title 9 for schools. Many different school programs are giving a ton of money and preference for women, especially in fields that the current politically powerful are trying to fill quota and get more women into. Things like any of your STEM fields. I don't know about trades and such though.
Also as you know Leo, because you have helped deliver things, we have plenty free and good quality food.
Again a woman with a child has no worries if she will make some effert.
I'm hoping that maybe you didn't know to ask about some of this stuff, Trisha. Not everyone does. But this is precisely why you reached out, right? To find things out?
If Wayne is right, and these things are available to you, then there is absolutely nothing wrong in taking them up on it. Not if it means you and Marshall and even your partner get to eat better. This doesn't mean you should become lax in other areas, but it does mean you aren't just screwed when Marshall turns five either.
My husband and I discuss everything. That's traditionally how Swedish partnerships work. swedes are obsessive about equality. Men do half the housework and a lot of the childcare. Not to say people can't compremise, but men still believe that work is not an excuse here.
My husband and I do compremise, but we come up with our compremises together.
For Example, I do all the laundry. laundry is a time consuming exercise that, if my husband has to do it on days off, takes a lot of time away from Matilda and me. So that's my job specifically. I take all the night time feedings and changings. My husband works hard and he has to get all the sleep he can. When he is on his short week at work, he takes over the duties for a night so that I can get an uninterrupted night of sleep. I stay home, I can sleep when the baby does, but my husband does not have this luxury.
Now he gets up an hour earlier so that he can have an hour of time with his daughter. He takes her out, to the swing, or in the pulka to slide down the hill. He also feeds her her breakfast.
Certain parts of the housework are his responsibility and others are mine. However the key word is negotiate. we negotiate all the time, and if your relationship is a good one, that's what you do too. you're not constantly at one another's throats about who should do what and 'I've done this or that, so you have to do this.'
Trisha. If you had planned your baby, you would not have even gotten pregnant before you had the skills in place. If your baby was totally planned, why weren't you demanding to be trained in some skills before you even got pregnant? Why were you even in a position to get pregnant instead of being on birth control or using protection before you had the skills in place before you even had a baby inside you? I am only bringing this up because you keep going on about how it was all planned, when it really just wasn't.
or if it was, it was done very badly.
A post on this board before you even got pregnant, asking what skills you would need would have been a good start....
But again, you're beyond this, but it brings me to an important question regarding your relationship.
Why did you bring a baby into this relationship? Knowing what sort of a person your partner is, why did you want this? Did you think it would bring you closer together as a couple? because that is a terrible reason to bring a new life into the world.
You will not be the first to try and save a relationship by bringing a child into it, and you won't be the last.
I am bringing this up because, if your relationship was in danger before martial, then there is even less chance of it working out now. There's no shame in admitting that this was what you wanted, at least not where I am concerned. more women and men have done precicely this and have failed too.
They think that a child will magically turn their partner into a perfect human being. loving and caring and all that because....awwww. the little baby is soooo cute. it doesn't work like that.
When you say planned, how planned. how involved in the planning process was your partner.
If his heart wasn't in it then, then you should have had an inkling of the kind of father he would be.
lastly, if it doesn't work out with you both, you're not the only couple in that situation. aprox 30% of couples split after having kids. Having children is a huge commitment that some people just can't hack. Having a child is something that changes your life forever. it's a huge and daunting responsibility that you just don't entre into lightly. My husband and I spent 6 months before I even got pregnant discussing and planning and deciding if we could commit to having a little adition to our household.
Maybe this is why we cope so well. I just don't know.
Honestly, I'm going to probably provoke just a little ire here, but I feel I really ought to say this.
At this point, Trisha's reasons for having her baby, bad or good or somewhere in between, simply. don't. matter.
What matters is the situation she's left with, whatever that actually is. What matters most in that situation is the welfare of the child, since the child is utterly dependent and will be for some time.
I do care about your own well-being, Trisha, and to an extent I also care about the well-being of your partner. But generally, I don't think it's wise for any of us to pick apart decisions that are over and done with. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that Trisha already knows this was an iffy choice, and will have to live with it. I'll go even one step further and suggest that rubbing her nose in it, so to speak, is not going to do anyone any favours. All it has the chance of doing is making other people look superior and snarky and high-handed, even when perhaps they don't mean to be that way at all.
When someone has a problem, asking them why they got themselves into this mess and then explaining how well you avoided the mess is simply pointless. And believe me, I know this one from the other end; I apparently do it sometimes, and it occasionally pisses people off. This is very much a case of me learning the hard way that sometimes well-intentioned comparison or questioning can look like nothing so much as a calculated shaming or a public display of superiority.
Perestroika, recall if you will in an earlier post on tis specific topic I had said that I kept insisting that the teachers in high school allow me to work with the simulated baby dolls. I can't remember exactly which post that was. I also had mentioned how I had teachers and parents work with me on daily skills but they for whatever reason gave up on me.
Trisha, there's one problem with this. Two overall, but I'll get to my second in a minute here. The problem is that you insisted on getting help, didn't get it, and still went ahead and had a baby. That was irresponsible.
But here's my other problem. So, in my last post I basically said "bringing up the past is pointless and can do harm". And I stick by that. My advice then, Trisha, is to stop talking about it. Stop defending it, because there really isn't a lot you can say that will make the situation better. It's over and done with, and this is what you have now. Focus all of your efforts on bettering your current situation instead of trying to explain your way out of the bad circumstances which started this in the first place. Best advice I can give.
hi. Warning, this is right on and you might not wanna hear it so if you the
sensitive type don’t read any further.
Getting a kid before y’all was both ready is the most dumb thing you might
have ever done with your life.
But now you got him, and he depends on you, you damn better get off your ass.
Quit the whining, and whimpering about you past, start finding out what does
he need to stay healthy, yes it might be hard depending on what kind of books
you have. But see it from the cheerful point of view, there are tons of websites
with instructions about such things. So you did not get to handle the robberdall
when you got to school? tough shit, girl cause now you in the drivers seat and
while we can and most likely will all help you, we can’t take the responsibility
for your actions , nor should we have to do it.
My best advice at this point is.
1 find out if your partner ship will survive this, find out if you both can live with
a kid, if not you know what to do , right?
2, start what kind of programs you can apply to,, Leo is super intelligent and he
have given you some leads, so that might be worth looking into.
Last but not least, i wish the best for your kid. and your self.
Sandi
I agree with Shep 100%. I keep saying her child just isn't important. He'll be fine.
If she planned, diid she plan and how she planned makes no difference.
I never set down and actually planned anything. We just decided to have a child.
I never read a book or whatever on it. If you're a caring person, and she seems to be, the rest comes naturally.
Some folks don't care.
Now she has to get herself settled. When she does this, so will her child be.
the point I am trying to make about planning is, if she wanted the baby to facilitate some kind of closeness between her and her partner, or to change her partner's behaviour in any way, then the relationship between her and her partner was already questionable to begin with, and should probably be a priority to rethink. If his heart wasn't in parenting in the planning stage, and his heart isn't in it now, then this is not an environment for you to raise a child in, and this is probably the most pressing point you need to deal with.
the point I am trying to make about planning is, if she wanted the baby to facilitate some kind of closeness between her and her partner, or to change her partner's behaviour in any way, then the relationship between her and her partner was already questionable to begin with, and should probably be a priority to rethink. If his heart wasn't in parenting in the planning stage, and his heart isn't in it now, then this is not an environment for you to raise a child in, and this is probably the most pressing point you need to deal with.
Even the best plans sometimes go wrong.
People change, situations change them.
People lie, or think they are ready for something until they learn they are not.
It just doesn't matter now.
The best a person can do is deal with what is now, because that is all they can do.
I"m going to take it one step further. The reason I keep bringing up the fact
that she didn't plan this worth a tinker's damn is that it demonstrates, given
that she hasn't progressed past this point, that she still isn't ready to have a
kid. Look at her reasons for why she hasn't learned how to do things. Its
constantly someone else's fault. The teachers wouldn't let her, they gave up on
me, my parents forbade it, I wasn't told. Its never, I fucked up and here's how
I'm going to fix it.
So, though I realize this isn't my decision to make, and I probably am lacking
a few of the details, my advice would be to call an adoption agency as soon as
possible. Get him into a home with people who can take responsibility for
themselves, let alone him. Because right now, I don't see the slightest bit of
evidence that she can do either of those things. The closest she's come to
evidence is asking for help, and she did that on a public board forum, and she
did it months after she delivered the baby. That's more evidence that she isn't
able to care for a child than it is evidence that she is.
Am I being harsh? Yes, I am being harsh, but I'm also being honest. We've all
given her lots of advice, including some I think is terrible advice. Like the advice
that she should fight tooth and nail to keep her baby. A better piece of advice
would be to realize that she's a piss poor parent and isn't in a position to care
for her baby. Its honorable to fight, its intelligent to know when to surrender. I
think its about time she start stitching a white flag before something happens
with her baby that can't be fixed.
Cody, I am just as unimpressed with her so called planning abilities as you, but I would not go this far.
adoption is a huge step, and either way, he is going to find out who his parents are sooner or later, and all of this will come out. he will think that his mother and father did not love him, and that's an awful way to go. especially since at least one party here does seem to love him.
Trisha needs support, because she can do this. Plenty of sighted people do a shitty job too and social services don't even bother, and they have even worse parenting philosophies than Trisha seems to.
However, trisha, stop saying it was planned. Yes, I read your post how you asked for help, but you didn't get the help. not getting the help does not mean you go ahead and have the baby anyway and then demand the help again. it means you don't have the baby. even if it means you never get a baby, you just don't entre into a situation where you do not have the skills to cope with a child. yes, that's what you should have done. You should have had mibility skills, household skills and kitchen skills before you even considered pregnancy.
but you didn't. you had a baby with nowhere near the skills you need to cope. first step is to find out where your relationship is heading. right now. Having or not having your partner around is going to be a big difference in your lives, so you need to figure out where you are all headed, be it together or separately.
Secondly, you need to make a choice. If your partner is saying give martial up and your heart is saying something else, then you have a choice to make. is it martial or your partner? because you need to face the fact that this might not be something he can cope with, and that he just can't be bullied or pressured into coping with.
Wayne, anxiety in children is actually a bigger problem than many parents realise. At our medical appointments we are constantly warned that one parent must stay sober if the other drinks, not to shout or use angry tones around our child and not to allow her screen time unless absolutely necessary, for example she won't quieten down in a taxi and we've tried everything else. So if a couple is constantly argueing, then yes, it is a toxic situation for a small child to be in, and it's best avoided for developmental reasons.
Trisha, you and your partner are adults. you should deal with this like adults by discussing your needs together and being willing to accept that the outcome might not be the one that you both would want.
Finally, if you can't get the support that you need and if your partner is out of the picture, you may need to accept that this is just something you can't do right now, and that it's not all your fault and you don't deserve all the blame. Even sighted people need help learning some of this stuff, so you're not alone, but I am assuming that in the US there's just not a ton of resources for getting people to come to you and do some hands on training.
In one corner of your mind you need to be prepared that, your skill level might not be up to scratch by the time Martial is a toddler and needs constant parenting and supervision.
In this case you will need to decide what you want and how you will cope with it if it arises. Like I said, there are even cases of open adoption, where you would still get to be a part of martial's life, however, if you are prepared to work hard and listen to the people who might be able to try and teach you, then I at least think you have a fighting chance.
First off, I have to say I am surprise by some of the attitudes expressed on this particular board topic. The lightness in which some of you treat this baby’s life makes me shake my head in disgust. Sure, a baby is resilient and can adapt to crappy parents, but does it mean they should? God forbid should something happen to this little boy do to her lack of intelligence and poor choices… What will some of you say then? Oops… oh well, she tried? Again I repeat, a baby is not an experiment!
I’d gladly give you guys a cookey or 2 for cutting her some slacks and would even join you in it if a baby’s life isn’t involved.
Last of all, I think Cody made some valid points and so did the previous poster. An open adoption might be the best scenario here.
I think you need to give adopted children a lot more credit. We can discard
the hollywood trope of adopted children going on quests to find their parents
and wondering why they didn't love them. I've known a lot of adopted children.
Few ofthem want to find their parents, and few of those convince themselves tat
they weren't loved. Its a common enough idea that people realize that its often
because of necessity.
I'm actually mostly with Loui on this. I think you can do it, even if it's going to be hard, and I think that based on the help you've gotten and the steps you've taken lately, you're going the right way.
Just focus on the here and now as much as you can...with yourself, with your partner, with your baby. Don't let excess negativity get you down.
I'd have to disagree, I was adopted and my friends who came from the same orphanage as I, most of us still wonder why we were abandoned and whether our biological parents actually cared about us. This is why I really want to try and be there for my son and give him a better life than I had. I want him to know how much I love him and as other posters have said, I will try and exhaust evrything before considering adoption because to me, adoption is the easy way out and it sends a message saying: Son I'm sorry I had to give you up due to my mistakes, I just didn't care enough about you to try to make things work. That's what I'd feel I would be telling him and he would feel like I've failed him.
The here and now? You want her to be in the here and now with her child? So
you don't want her to think about how she's going to handle him when he can
walk and she can't figure out how to keep track of him? You don't want her
considering how she's going to afford to buy him school clothes and supplies?
You don't want her considering how she's going to find a house to live in with
good schools for which she needs to buy him said clothes? I can't be the only
person who sees the problem with that.
Wait, you were raised in an orphanage? How old are you? There haven't been
orphanages in america since the sixties, and even then it was a handful.
Orphanages haven't been common since the 1920s, save for a short period in
the depression era. ARe you in your late fifties or something?
There is simply no telling how he'd take it at this point. Maybe he'd adjust well because he's young. Maybe he'd resent you.
The bald truth is really quite simple. Not all parents are brilliant, forward-thinking, well-connected, well-adapted people who had children for the right reasons. In fact, most of them aren't. As such, we should restrict any worry to the realistic problems being faced, and should not be focusing on phantom problems, or problems which no longer exist.
Trisha is trying to get it together, and she's succeeding more than she's failing at this point. That's a start.
One last thing:
Kim, I don't see any of us being lax about this. Also, you keep stressing that babies are not experiments. Actually...yeah, they kind of are, in some ways. When your baby cries and you don't instantly know what's wrong, what do you do? You try and figure it out, right? That's an experiment. Or, when you start feeding your baby different varieties of food, you're (wait for it) experimenting with their tastes. Some infants hate carrots, while others love them, for instance.
So no, a baby is not designed to be experimented on, but almost every parent has to do a little of it to find out what works. Trisha didn't have a baby in order to possess something to experiment on. Frankly, it doesn't really matter why she had the baby. I don't question that she loves him, and has had one hell of a wake-up call about the situation. Better late than never, like I said. She's trying to do right by him, and seems to be getting somewhere. This whole board is about feeling trapped and asking for help. Constant reference to negative aspects is not helpful, guys. It's just not. I'm not saying give her a medal, I'm not saying coongratulate her for every tiny obvious thing she does. But for pity's sake, if you have nothing even remotely encouraging to say, just leave it be.
I was adopted from China. and I wasn't just referring to the here and now. the orphanages in china are still in operation I wish I could say they weren't but it's a pretty sad deal since China is so overpopulated I bet that is why so many of us were shipped out among other reasons. China is one of the countries least accepting of folks with disabilities of any sort. Just a little history here.
Also, I'm pretty sure Julia was in an orphanage of some kind, and she's not old enough to satisfy your claim, Cody. So either Julia's lying, or you're wrong about your facts. One of the two.
The here and now means, uh, -not the past. It means that Marshall is here and growing, and she has to compensate for that. If you'd read the board you would see that I have also said, more than once, that she absolutely must not let this ball stop rolling. She has to constantly look forward, and because Marshall is groowing and isn't just going to magically stop doing so next week, I put that into the "here and now" comment. That comment, admittedly, could've better been phrased "stop living in the past".
Ah, so you were adopted from a communist country, and that's making you
think that all things in america which involve the same verb must be equally
terrible? seriously, research, its a good thing.
Now Greg, you can't be so easily misunderstanding what Kimi is saying. Do
you honestly think that experiementing on whether the pacifier or the bottle will
calm your baby, and whether you can support a baby at all are the same thing?
Its as if you're saying that testing whether your child can lift a puppy is the
same as testing whether your child can take care of a puppy. They're nowhere
near the same thing.
Remember that point I keep stressing, over and over:
Trisha's reason for having the baby in the first place does. not. matter. anymore.
She's got it. The issue is not why she had it, but how she's coping with it now.
But you're wrong, because her decision to have the baby directly led to the
situation she's in now, and we can see whether her decisions are improving.
Which they aren't.
With some people, it is better to hit hard to drive common sense home.
Cody... Thank you. You have eloquently illustrated as to what I was getting at.
And Greg... News flash... There is no "after" without "before."
Gregg, the decision for the why does matter in a small sense, because she needs to look at what her reasons for having a child were in order to decide what to do with the partnership. Like I have already stated, she wouldn't be the first to decide to bring a baby into a failed or failing relationship to try to save it.
if that's the case, my advice is basically to cut your losses and get out of the relationship and try to find a way to work it out between you as a seperated couple or on your own, because if that's why you wanhted a baby and he only really half heartedly went along with it, then it's a fair bet that he is just not ready for parenting. maybe he even thought that having a baby would help your relationship too, so he has contributed to a stupid line of reasoning. he's not here. so I don't know that. only you 2 can.
If he's not ready, he's not ready. nothing will make him into a good parent or even a decent human being except his own willingness to be one.
Cody, I am not saying she has all the time in the world to figure it out. she's got maybe weeks to learn some stuff and solve some stuff, so that's why she needs to get into action now.
Loui, I can take that point I suppose.
Cody, your argument doesn't fly, as far as I'm concerned. She's gone and gotten help to learn some of the things she didn't know how to do before, rather than just muddling along and guessing or doing it badly. She's come out asking for help. So okay, she's still dwelling in the past and sometimes making excuses; sure she is. But as I've said before, there's still progress here.
She went from "I don't have knowledge or support, I'm having a baby, damn it" to "I'm not ready for this. How do I get ready?" to "Okay, I've started being ready. Still not there, so now I have to do more". That's slow but solid progress. And as such, your attacking Trisha's reasons for having a child are irrelevant.
The only reason to go after that choice that I can see, and even it has its iffy bits, is the reason Loui put forward here, and that has more to do with the partner than the baby itself.
I guess a really interesting question, particularly aimed at Cody but also encompassing Kim, is this:
Do you two actually want her to succeed, assuming it is possible she can?
If you do, then take a really hard look at what you're saying, how you're saying it and who you're saying it to.
Maybe then you'll realize that if you overwhelm someone like this with negativity in a sensitive time, you can have precisely the opposite effect you're gunning for. I'm sorry, but "some people need a hard life lesson" does not automatically mean you're justified in being overly harsh. Deliver it the wrong way, say the wrong thing too often, and you might just convince her that she's worthless and useless. You might make her feel that no amount of trying is ever going to be good enough, and when you're dealing with someone dealing with this much turmoil, that's potentially disastrous.
Of course, I suppose it's possible Trisha doesn't give a damn, that it's all rolling off her back and she's going to do her best by Marshall in spite of all the negativity she sees...in which case, that's cool, and I'm glad to see some strength. I am not purporting to be her minder or her psychologist. At worst, I'm saying that regardless of their mistakes, basically everyone has feelings, and to as much an extent as possible without compromising honesty or integrity, those feelings should be respected.
Hey guys, I do want yall to know that I did take a cpr class years before I ever wanted to have a kid and that was when I was in high school. So I can successfully give cpr if it was needed. Also, a more recent example of how I'm not as bad of a parent as some claim: a little while back, Marshall was playing on the floor and he was making a weird noise so I went to investigate and come to find out, he was choking on a candy wrapper. I've also pulled coins and other various pieces of paper out of his mouth and his father even though he was in the room with us, he didn't even always know that Marshall was choking on things either because he wasn't paying attention, or e didn't always hear it. I am very good at keeping up with Marshall, I always follow him around so I can catch him when he falls or knocks himself off balance and I comfort him when he hurts himself so there you go. Just wanted to put that out there. For now Marshall is a very vocal baby or he's always making noise with other things like banging things so I can always tell where he is.
Greg, I would accept that eighteen months ago, even sixteen months ago.
Now, its past the time where you can make progress toward being ready. Its
like jumping out of the plane and then starting to pack your parachute. it
doesn't work. At that point its not progress, its catch up, and its catch up you
should have thought about a long time ago. So she doesn't get that credit from
me.
Now, as for your question, I think its too simplified. Do I want her to learn
how to clean her apartment, cook a meal and be a responsible adult?
Absolutely, all blind people should. Do I want her to do that while taking care of
a kid? Absolutely not. I want the kid to succeed at being a kid, and her to
succeed at being an adult. I don't think the child deserves to be baggage while
his mom learns how to be ready to one day take care of him. That's not fair to
the kid.
Wait, hold the phone. First of all, you took one class years ago, and you
expect us to think you can still do it while your own baby is dying? Hell, I took
CPR in high school too. I remember practically none of it, because its a very
perishable skill. Even nurses, who have to do it a lot more than you do, have to
retake the classes very frequently. So no, I don't think you could perform CPR
worth a damn on yoru baby, and neither could I.
second, pulling coins and wrappers out of your baby's mouth is great. That's
wonderful. Why are there coins and candy wrappers on your floor? Why is your
baby able to get his hands on those kinds of things so often that you have to do
it frequently? He's nine months old, and he wasn't mobile for quite a bit of that
time. How many coins and wrappers and other things do you have on your floor
that you have to pull them out of his mouth frequently? What else do you have
on your floor? What if he gets something in his mouth you don't know about?
What if he gets ahold of cleaners, or insects, or something sharp, or something
toxic? Why haven't you cleaned these things up?
I'm a bit worried that the baby was choking on things. I know I can be quite blunt, but I'm genuinly not trying to be right now. It concerns me that on multiple ocasions there have been things like wrappers left around that he can choke on. Yes, I'm glad you watch him and have stopped it, but please, please for his sake make sure they aren't left around again. Because one day you might go to the bathroom, or to grab something from another room and if stuff like that is left about it doesn't take long for a kid to seriously hurt themselves.
Also, you've said that child services are involved, or know you. If you want them to believe you can do this, then get your act together. That means not leaving things around that your baby can choke on. You are both adults in that house, you eat candy, you throw the wrapper in the bin.
I'm not trying to come down on you, but your example actually disturbed me more than it put my mind at ease. You shouldn't have had to take a wrapper out of his mouth, because it should never have been left out for him to choke on in the first place.
And yes, I know we all fuck up. If you'd said once this happened, I could say it was a stupid, awful mistake, but nothing more. But you've said you've had to remove things like that from his mouth multiple times.
Cody said what I was going to say to you Greg. So there's your answer.
OMG... Candy wrappers and coins on the floor with a mobile baby that can crawl around is just asking for trouble. If CPS gets a hold of this ...
Thank you, Cody and Kim, for being the voices of reason and tough love that the OP so desperately needs. Because, based on everything we've seen on these topics, she's a piss poor parent. And her reasons for having a baby do matter every bit, because they've gotten her where she is, and isn't, today.
Big friggin whoop that she is learning how to cook 9 months after her baby is here. The skills that were needed for her to do so should've been learned long before she was pregnant. Because, let's face it: knowingly bringing a baby into the world when you know, as Trisha has told us herself time and time again, that she hasn't had the skills, and still doesn't know how she'll cope without her boyfriend, is cruel I'd say. She has also said that she's just now doing research about parenting-related things, and daily living skills, which is another indicator that this pregnancy was not well thought out or honestly discussed between those involved. So that being said, she gets no brownie points from me.
I wholeheartedly agree with those who think she ought to adopt her baby, before its life becomes more endangered than it already is--the fact that she's on Social Services radar is not at all in her favor.
The choking deal was a couple months ago and hasn't happened since. I can't always control what other people leave on the floor since different ppl come over to hang out. Also CPS hasn't been here since I fired my worker back in July and she was only here because the worker and his gf who happens to be my bf's relative filed in a report just to start drama to get back at us for firing him. She likes to manipulate so we cut her and other people like her out of our circle but she has informants everywhere who tell her what's going on which is why we worry about CPS coming back because you never know who will turn us in even if it is for a stupid reason or to start trouble. When social services were here to follow up on the report filed, they found nothing to raise alarm about, they saw a perfectly happy baby playing on the floor and a clean house free of dangerous stuff on the floor. That report was revengeful and exaggerated.
no, you can't control what people actually do when they come to your house but you can ya know,...remind them?
it's your job. You're his mum. if your husband doesn't do it, you have to. It's called child proofing. every mother and father have to do it. it's vital.
This means.
nothing on the floor apart from things that he plays with that are safe for him. either keep him in a playpen where none of those items can get in or do a swheep every time you leave and ask your guests to do so when they leave. every time.
get tidy. throw away shit you don't use. clean up after every meal. tidy your house on a daily basis.
Who the fuck just throws a candy wrapper on the floor? if they are one of your guests, get up them about it next time.
ffs a cpr cource is practically nothing. did they teach you about baby cpr? there are special cpr for babies, and it takes a course of it's own. I know because I have done it.
I am genuinely really fucking pissed off now. If social services knew your kid nearly choaked you wouldn't even be having this discussion with us because your kid would be gone already.
are you telling me you can't get down on your hands and knees and feel around on the floor that martial plays on? This is what I do. more than once a day. I do it because I have to, and I even have a sighted husband to help me sometimes. not all the time, hense why I am on my hands and knees doing it myself.
Sorry, but that is just substandard parenting. once is one thing. everyone, even a sighted person can miss something once, and they feel terrible about it afterwards, but as many times as that?
wait, it was several months ago? Lets say that several means four, four months
ago, does everyone agree that is a reasonable definition of several? That begs
the question of what in the hell you were doing leaving a five month old baby on
the floor where he could get his hands on a coin or a candy wrapper. And it
couldn't have only been once, because then it would either be a coin or a candy
wrapper. Unless you frequently keep coins wrapped as candy on your floor.
This is just indefensible. To be honest, if I knew where you lived I'd try and
find out that CPS agent's name so I could show her this board. This is
disgusting. I don't even have a child and its disgusting. Do you not clean? Do
you not want a clean house? Do you enjoy stepping on things? I don't even
know what else to say anymore. How the hell are you so awful of a parent?
Yeah... who the hell would come to your house and purposely litter knowing that you have a baby? And as previously stated, it does not take brains to know that you have to child prove the area in which your baby plays in. If you are so freaking lazy to clean then for heaven's sakes designate one single area where you'd have him play and check everyday for things that could endanger him. Talk about absolute carelessness on your part and again, a lack of brain.
I'm sure "saint" Greg and the others will find excuses to back you up just to so call give you a break because you are "trying" For me, your competence to care for such an innocent baby is substandard and that's being kind. I shutter to know what you will reveal next. The person who denounced you probably try to save your baby in the long run. I too, wish I have the ability to contact the CPS in your area to check up on you more often for your baby's sake.
Sickening...
And Cody, the last choking incedent happened a couple of months ago but that was not the first according to the op. She said, and I quote "he was making a weird noise so I went to investigate and come to find out, he was choking on a candy wrapper. I've also pulled coins and other various pieces of paper out of his mouth..." Note coins in plural as well as not one, but several pieces of papers...
I bet you anything someone is going to justify these acts of carelessness with "but he is still alive..." As if that is good enough to play parent which the op is doing.
I tend to think it's acceptable to dedicate a part of the house that belongs just to the baby. Matilda has a corner of the livingroom that is totally hers that I keep extra clean. because I want to take care of her properly, nurture her etc, I don't have time for all of the housework all of the time, so she's not allowed in the kitchen, and especially not on the kitchen floor, she's not allowed in the spare room that will be hers, because it's where we've been dumping loads of crap and we need to sort it one day when Johan has holidays and I never let her crawl on the bathroom floor, even if I have mopped it, or on our floor, because it doesn't get vacuumed as often as I would like.
However in the event that she gets to any of those floors, I can tell you that there aren't going to be any coins, wrappers or anything else that she could choak on. Apart from anything else, I am houseproud enough not to want shit on my floors. food stuffs being on the floor is a big no way and coins on the floor is just a waste.
She has her own little play area that we set up just for her, with soft mats, the toys she likes most, and it's protected from the rest of the livingroom where there are things that she could hurt herself on. When we let her loose in her walking chair, I keep a close eye on her and listen to where she is at all times. she can't get to the floor though, but I do have to watch out that she either doesn't chase the cat or that she doesn't go where she shouldn't, but for us, it's a fun game as I chase her round and move her where I want her to go.
Children are fragile. I recently read a story of a little girl who died as a result of swallowing a battery. they are naturally curious, and will put things in their mouths to see what they are and what they do. that's what Matilda does as soon as she gets a new toy, or when the cat is too slow and gets his tale grabbbed.
I tend to think it's acceptable to dedicate a part of the house that belongs just to the baby. Matilda has a corner of the livingroom that is totally hers that I keep extra clean. because I want to take care of her properly, nurture her etc, I don't have time for all of the housework all of the time, so she's not allowed in the kitchen, and especially not on the kitchen floor, she's not allowed in the spare room that will be hers, because it's where we've been dumping loads of crap and we need to sort it one day when Johan has holidays and I never let her crawl on the bathroom floor, even if I have mopped it, or on our floor, because it doesn't get vacuumed as often as I would like.
However in the event that she gets to any of those floors, I can tell you that there aren't going to be any coins, wrappers or anything else that she could choak on. Apart from anything else, I am houseproud enough not to want shit on my floors. food stuffs being on the floor is a big no way and coins on the floor is just a waste.
She has her own little play area that we set up just for her, with soft mats, the toys she likes most, and it's protected from the rest of the livingroom where there are things that she could hurt herself on. When we let her loose in her walking chair, I keep a close eye on her and listen to where she is at all times. she can't get to the floor though, but I do have to watch out that she either doesn't chase the cat or that she doesn't go where she shouldn't, but for us, it's a fun game as I chase her round and move her where I want her to go.
Children are fragile. I recently read a story of a little girl who died as a result of swallowing a battery. they are naturally curious, and will put things in their mouths to see what they are and what they do. that's what Matilda does as soon as she gets a new toy, or when the cat is too slow and gets his tale grabbbed.
I don't see a problem with a 5 month old playing on the floor and frankly, not many people respect our house, that is why we barely have no one ofer these days and that is how I have no friends. Besides, since that incident, I do check on the floor for stuff and so does my bf but neither of us can see every little thing and he doesn't have the time to do it all since that is what he says anyway. That is why we have hired sighted help, to get the little things that we miss and I'm sure sighted people don't get everything either. So, the main point is: he's happy, healthy, and has never been hospitalized. Also the person who reported us had reported us for very minor and stupid little things that weren't even harming Marshall like the fact that I bite off his fingernails instead of clipping them and none of yall can't tell me that there's not at least one of you who does this also. Hadley courses and other parents have told me they do the same thing. So...
I meant proof...
Marshall does have a room that he plays in and one or both parents is always with him at all times in that room lus he sleeps in the bedroom with me so...
for Matilda's nails, I use a file.
there is everything wrong with having him play on the floor if you are not a hundred percent sure that your floor is clean.
he hasn't been hospitalised yet because you have been damn lucky. Do you seriously want to play the probability game with your child's life?
Yes, I let Matilda play on the floor, but you know what, I sit on the floor with her because she can't sit up on her own yet, even at 7 months. If she is on her own she is safe in a babynest under her babygymn or in her swing or somewhere where I know she can't hurt herself by slamming her face on the floor or something else.
You start with house rules. everyone should have house rules. ours include
no shoes on inside the house
and no leaving food on plates or throwing shit on the floor.
people who respect themselves respect their own houses enough to do this.
As I have said, I can't explain every little detail about how we do things, you guys aren't there so you can't ever understand the whole picture. I could explain myself till I turn black and blue but yall are going to nitpick every little thing so it's cool whatever...
And stop giving that excuse about blindness preventing you from getting
everything. The blindness card only works on sighted people. We're not sighted
people. Here's what you do if you can't get everything. First, don't throw shit on
your floor. second, if you do happen to throw shit on your floor, get a vacuum. If
you can't master a vacuum, get a smaller vacuum. They make hand vacuums
that are great for areas around tables and rugs and things. If that doesn't work,
get a brush and a dust pan and sweep your entire living room. That's how you
get everything. I don't care if you have to use a comb to get everything, you
get everything. Otherwise its disgusting. Blindness is no excuse for having a
dirty house.
Besides that, going back to the topic ever so slightly, how do you expect to
maintain your rather inefficient system of constnatly being around him at all
times while he's crawling around unprotected on your filthy floor if you leave
your boyfriend? Are you going to hire that done for you too? And how is it you
can get the state to hire you a maid, but you can't get them to buy you better
food for your baby, or a better place that isn't, if memory serves, infested with
roaches?
And really? You bite your baby's nails? That's disgusting. Do you know how
filthy your mouth is? What if he has a cut somewhere on his finger that you've
now infested with thousands upon thousands of bacteria? Do you like the idea of
infectious diseases?
yeah. seriously. please use a nail file....the mouth is the dirtiest part of the human body, apparently.
yeah. seriously. please use a nail file....the mouth is the dirtiest part of the human body, apparently.
I categorically refuse to be made a villain because of what I'm saying on this board. You folks are just proving my point again and again and again.
Saint Gregg indeed. That epithet proves you're seeing what you want to see, spinning it how you want it spun, Kim, and it's at this point that I stop taking you quite so seriously.
I bet you any one of us, with kids or without kids, has probably dropped, lost and otherwise been completely ignorant of a coin on the floor. Dimes are especially tricky business.
Candy wrappers...not so much.
Here are some important facts:
1. This must've happened more than once. This is not good, no matter what the reason. You won't hear me defending that, because there isn't really any defense. After it happened the first time, that should've been enough. As has been mentioned, anyone can fuck up once in a case like this, especially with a coin, like I said. Coins are generally not a large choking hazard for a five-month-old anyway. You wouldn't want a baby eating one, but it is extremely likely to go down his throat, into his stomach and out the other end without doing damage. They are, however, an unnecessary risk, and the first time Marshall got hold of one of those things, serious vigilance should've been in order after that point. That, or the floor should've been taken out of the equation as a viable rest or play area.
2. If you start from 0 and your goal is 10, and you reach even the number 1, that is called progress. In this case, being woefully unprepared in every way and being unaware of it or unwilling to change is analogous to 0. Starting to learn and not being ready yet is analogous to the numbers 1 through 9. Being ready for the various challenges you'll face is analogous to 10. Trisha's somewhere between 1 and 9 right now. I can't and won't say exactly where because I don't get to watch her with the child and I'm not qualified to say. Either way, it's progress from 0. That doesn't mean brownie points. It doesn't mean Trisha gets a pass, or gets to stop trying, or is a fit parent, or anything else. I am sick and tired of having my words twisted when I have said the same thing in different ways over and over again. I am tired of having to explain to you folks who can't be bothered reading that no, I am not okay with everything that's happening. No, I am not actually defending her on all counts. When will you people who keep misunderstanding this demonstrate your ability to comprehend the language you use and accept what you're being told?
3. Aside from the very real worry about Trisha's partner, and the weight of the baby on the relationship as Loui explained it, there is really no reason at this point to dwell in the past. Even these troubling reports about choking are in the past...they aren't excused because they're in the past, but if they are no longer being repeated, mayhap it's safe to assume that a lesson was learned, a crisis averted? If every parent who made two bad mistakes had their children taken away, we'd have an adoption system so bloated that we'd be killing kids wholesale just to make sure it kept running. Get off your fucking high horses, people. Mistakes aren't okay, but they happen. to. everyone. Whether you're blind, sighted, white, albino, Greek, Japanese, athletic, fat or a judo expert. They happen to everybody.
Now, I want to finish up with something which might shock some of you, given it's coming from me.
Trisha, I have to say this. The more you say, the worse this is looking.
You don't have a lot of money. That's not your fault.
You're picking up on your life skills, but you're still running uphill. This is partially your fault; we've been over this.
Your partner and you appear to have very differing views on how to raise a child. This alone is no one's fault, but it's causing discord when, for instance, he wants to spank Marshall.
You've been making choices involving your baby that are questionable at the least, and dangerous at the worst. Even if you're learning from some of them, a baby's well-being, if not his life, is in the balance. I did say earlier that coins like dimes aren't serious choking hazards. They aren't, usually, but they can and sometimes do wedge crossways in the small intestine, and with a kid that size, that can mean death. I don't know what sort of insurance you have, or how that would work, but a surgery to remove a quarter oor something frm Marshall's small intestine would be financially difficult as well as traumatic to the kid himself. So...bad choices. Entirely your fault, particularly if they've been repeated. One choking hazard that gets overlooked...I'd wager most parents have that one pop up. Multiple times, in your own home? Not so much.
I'm sure you care about your child, but when you speak, you're displaying a rather scary lack of sense. Even if you're doing your best to get past it, I am frankly not sure if you can. Even now, you're putting forward defenses and explanations of your actions and motivations that simply don't fly.
In fact, the main difference between myself and people like Cody and Kim is that I'm not here to ridicule you or kick you when you're down. I'm here to try and be realistic, because if (and I do mean if) you have a shot at doing this right one day, it will be aided by someone trying to support you instead of trying to kick out your legs when you're busy trying to stand.
Look, no one here said a baby can't play on the floor... We said he shouldn't play on the floor littered with crap such as candy wrappers and paper and small objects that could cause choking hazard. Moreover, I am incline to say that it is not your house that people aren't respecting, but rather you 2 so call adults... I can't honestly say I blame them in the least.
And with the nails... try using a nail filer. Not the metal one, but those paper like ones... And just in case you can't think ahead, remember to wipe his hands and finger right after before he gets a chance to put said dirty fingers in his mouth.
Look, I came to this board asking for advice and help. I did N.O.T post with the intent of getting bashed. If I wanted a bashing, I would've titled the board quote unquote How Can one Bash me for my parenting styles and strategies? or some such title.
Perestroika many men in America, despite what you read in the media and on Buzzfeed, perform all the domestic tasks that the Swedish men do. In the States we dads call it "pulling second shift" if you work all day and come home at night to do dishes, laundry, ehlp with the kids' homework, attend parent teacher conferences, etc.
Sorry to burst the victim narrative bubble here, but men have been doing this for decades. It has been so common, in fact, that when I became a father in 1994 there were plenty ofolder men doing it, and nobody was the least bit surprised or taken aback to see a man doing it. I realize that defeats a certain left-leaning religious narrative, but it's the truth. And as a young dad it was older men I could turn to for assistance learning about a whole hell of a lot of things. My Wife only met one single very old lady who challenged her on this, saying, "I can't believe you'd let a man try to take care of your baby. Can a man really do that?" Only one, and that was the outlier.
Because, aside from the default religious narrative from a certain Mainstream political position, it's the *norm* for men to engage in the home domestically, as well as to go out and earn money. Tricia's boyfriend is yet another outlier here.
If he was the norm, even this conversation would be running differently.
I'll admit, probably not as much discussion happened, and I'll admit to making certain assumptions. Not the least of which I assumed I'd be taking care of the baby right away as She had just given birth. And I assumed right, turned out. I also counted upon pulling second shift, again a fair assumption based on the overwhelming majority of what men do.
Nobody gave me weird responses, or special attention, for being an attentive dad in the early 90s. Wanta know why? Being an attentive father is statistically *normal* and nobody pays attention to something so normative as the squirrel crossing the road.
I know people have their cognitively dissonant views, I'm just pointing at objective reality here.
Tricia's boyfriend is not representative of American dads. Neither is the negative portrayal of fathers on American media probably exported to Sweden and consumed there.
I'm sure i'm not the only parent who bites their kids' nails and filing will only make their nails smoother, not actually shorten them. and if there are oter parents who bite their nails, they're probably too ashamed to admit it on here because again, yall act like it's the most dangerous thing to a baby. What about the kids who are getting scalded beyond recognition or other types of abuse? Those are families that are cause for worry. Like I heard of case in the news where a babysitter shook somebody's baby and the kid had to be hospitalized and the sitter was sent to jail.
Unfortunately, Trisha, the good in with the bad is something you have to not just accept, but embrace.
If all you wanted was a pat on the back, then you really didn't want help at all.
Bashing, outright, isn't helpful. But constructive criticism can help you a great deal.
For my part, at least, that's what I'm trying to give you. Constructive criticism. It's not personal attack. I have no grudge against you, no score to settle, no point to prove, no reason to knock you flat on your ass. I want you and your baby, and your partner if he's in the cards, to work. If that means pointing out a few harsher truths, I'll do it. If that means trying to encourage you in one breath and then giving you some pointed advice about how not to ship blame in the next breath...well, same deal. I'll do it, and I won't be sorry.
The only reason I've been on the backs of a few users in this thread is that I feel the usefulness of their posts is limited, and Trisha's latest post just proves it. No matter how righteous and helpful you think you are, if all a target gets from you is "bash bash bash", they're going to stop listening. And because you're intelligent enough to be capable of understanding how you come across (general you here), especially when it's explained (as it has been here), then some of the onus is on your shoulders. Don't duck it either. That's morally irresponsible.
One cannot post about their absolutely reprehensible and indefensible
parenting habits, and then ask for nothing more than advice. My advice is to put
your child up for adoption because you are apparently an unfit parent. Then
check yourself into the nearest NFB facility or something of its type so you can
learn to be an actual adult who can take care of themselves. Then, and only
then, you might consider starting a healthy relationship, letting that relationship
develop, making sure you know the responsibility and personality of the man
you're with, communicating with that man, and mutually deciding to have a
baby. and once you have that baby, you can take care of it like a mature and
well-rounded adult would, and you won't need to come on here more than once
or twice for advice, and when you do it will be for tiny things like the best way
to attach bells to his shoes or how to keep him calm during his first haircut. You
also won't be having the government protective agencies called on you. Which,
parenthetically, you also seem to blame on other people. Honestly, at this point
I'm surprised your not blaming your baby on other people too. Everything else
listed here has been someone else's fault. Can you take responsibility for even
one tiny thing?
I don't want to bash you, I don't want to say you are a bad parent. Because, honestly, nothing makes me happier than happy parents and happy babies.
But seriously, the way you are portraying yourself is pretty awful. I can give you credit for trying to learn, for getting someone in to teach you. Whether I think this is too little too late doesn't matter, it's some kind of progress.
But seriously. When you come back at people and flip out because they are questionning your ability to parent...look at yourself. Is this how you will treat a social worker? A medical professional? I've even seen you say they just bitched at you. This will not do you any favours if you react to them in this way, and claim nothing is your fault.
Trisha, you're seriously not helping yourself out here.
Yes, I've known a lot of parents who bite their baby's nails. Most are careful. Most babies are fine. But it's risky, because you could cause an infection if he's got a cut finger.
And regarding filing vs. cutting...you're dead wrong about that actually. The very act of filing a nail is actually removing bits of it. Filing his nails would probably be better for him in the long run.
Also, an adult has a choice on whether or not they bite their nails. I bite my nails sometimes, I'll admit it openly. I've never gotten an infection in my fingers either. But a baby can't just go and wash his hands right away (though I suppose you could wash them for him). A baby is smaller, weaker and more apt to suffer badly from an infection than a full-grown adult. In short, we can handle it better, and we're adults who can make decisions for ourselves even if they aren't always the best.
And this leads me directly to my other point. It doesn't matter a good god-damn how atrocious some people are with their kids if you're doing something you shouldn't.
So picture it like this, another sliding scale if you will. The number 0 is absolutely picture-perfect parenting. The number 5 is where you cross the line into the sort of behaviour that makes iffy/sometimes dangerous parenting. The number 10 would be for routine brutal child abuse.
Some of the stuff you're doing falls below that number 5. The way you feed him, for instance, probably isn't doing him any direct harm, and your parenting strategy, even if it means he's a bit over-attached to you, can be worked with.
But leaving him on an unclean floor where there are choking hazards common enough that having to get them out of his mouth multiple times is necessary? That's bad. Biting his nails? That's iffy, though not awful. Being ill-prepared in general as a parent, regarding cooking/cleaning/care skills? Well, that's bad, but you're working on that.
I'm using this visualization thing to prove something to you. You don't have to boil your kid, electrocute him, or shake him hard enough to dislocate his shoulder-blades in order to be a bad parent. Now, not every mistake makes you a bad parent. But this is what I'll tell you.
Every time you try and bring up an extreme case to prove that what you're doing really isn't so bad, it actually makes you look worse, not better.
I don't make a habit of being harsh with people and don't as a matter of fact come on the board getting my kicks in stomping all over people as you suggested Greg. This board and the op would've passed me by with complete indifference if an innocent baby isn't involved.
Progress should be measured in the scheme of repeated risky behaviours. The more she let forward the information, the more I am worried for said baby.
My daughter is 7 now, and nock on wood, has not been to a hospital or on anti biotic yet. Is it luck? perhaps. But I'd also like to think it's do to constant cleaning, surveying, and use common sense and judgement in her care taking. Perhaps a coin would not do permanent damage depending on its size, but it could cause stomach flue and alike seeing as they are dirty exchanging from hands to hands.
I'm not looking for a pat on the back nor am I saying that I'n not part to blame here I know I made a kid and all but my reasons for wanting a kid with the guy is not what you guys would think like thinking tht having a baby would
bring a couple together or anything like tht. I personally wanted a kid because I love kids and I've always wanted to be a mother and seeing how good I was with children in day care and things like that and due to my personality people thought I'd make a good mother. I enjoy being a mom and there are people today family and friends who say that I' a good mom so... they've all seen what I can do and it wasn't those people who reported me to ss, notice the people who did do it did out of spite
since we don't like each other and as I said before, when cps showed up, they saw no cause for alarm, if they did, well my son wouldn't be here, now would he?
Welcome to the real world, Trisha, where when you post a topic, you get all kinds of responses...even ones you don't wanna hear. Mostly ones you don't wanna hear, if people have any sense. Cause clearly you don't, so someone needs to set you straight. It's too bad no family members will do so, but I honestly don't blame people for not wanting to be around a toxic situation like the one you seem to be in. Because, news flash: having a baby without even discussing it with your boyfriend beforehand was not a mistake; it was a piss poor decision. Mistakes are one thing...and mistakes happen once, not over and over and over again, as Saint Greg wants you to believe. You don't seem to be learning, at all; the more you say, the deeper hole you dig yourself into, as well as the poor defenseless, innocent life that you laid down to create, but shouldn't have even had. I feel for Marshall, I really do.
Kim, just being in school can cause stomach flu. Schools are breeding grounds for illness in children, and that doesn't make schools bad.
Nah, the coin thing isn't usually a death risk, but I've already agreed with you. It's not ideal. I think I swallowed a quarter at oone point, and I was fine. I still don't remember how I managed that one.
You don't get your kicks from stomping on people? That's well and good, except you seemed to have missed all the messages where I tempered my tentative support with harsher words about unwise decisions the OP has made. You call me Saint Grett, either because you're trying (and failing) to be funny, or because you're sneering at my apparent lack of sense. If it's something else, do enlighten me if you wish, but currently it looks like some method of personal attack for its own sake. I have endeavoured not to do that for anyoone, even when I've been upset.
all I'm gonna say is, you guys don't have all the pieces of the puzzle besides what I've put out here and I would have said a lot more from a few posts back but even before reg said anything I thought to myselv it would be pointless cause yall are going to take what you're gonna take out of all this and jump to conclusions without ever knowing the entire thing because you're not here to see the positive side of it all.
Sorry for the typo on your name Greg, I guess it's the product of furious typing lol and I thought I caught the typo while proofreading.
She has hit on an interesting point though.
I've heard of people using Children's Aid or similar to call down misery on someone when it actually -wasn't warranted. Because a child's safety is in question, they act first and ask questions later in many cases. It could very well be that in Trisha's case, there was viable reason to call Children's Aid for other reasons, but the people who actually did it did not know those reasons and acted out of spite. Both of those things can be true without actually making Trisha guilty of whining about it or passing the buck. Particularly if they did show up and pronounced Marshall safe...that suggests to me that if there were discrepancies that might've alerted them once, they'd been corrected later.
And let me once again state: that's still not a good thing. Having had it be that bad in the first place isn't good. Not ever.
And on one other point I will agree. And that's responsibility. If you made a mistake, take it on the chin and learn from it. I used to do this all the time when I was younger, and someone gave me a good piece of advice. If the first words out of your mouth are gonna be "yeah but..." when you're told that something you did wasn't right, stop and think. Maybe you really can defend it, maybe you really were right...but if your automatic first response is "yeah but..."...well, squish it, wait a bit, and revisit it when the immediate emotional response is gone.
Example: your reasons for having a parent, vs. your preparedness. No excuse for that. Stop trying to explain it or rationalize it. It wasn't a good choice.
But here you are. You're living with that choice. Make what you can of it. Stop defending what can't be defended. Stop trying to minimize your guilt. Focus on maximizing your positive impact on your child. He's the one who got dragged into this, so have the decency to do as well by him as you can possibly do. Every moment you spend saying "yeah but" is a moment you're not focused on the here and nor, or the future, as I've said before.
Ok, but if you don't tell people everything, you then can't complain that we have a perhaps incorrect idea about you.
Look, I don't share everything on here, but I also know that people are therefor maybe not going to give me the advice I need. Don't start complaining because people are questionning you, when you have given out the information that has lead to that.
Seriously, look at what you are saying and doing, and please try and fix it. Because this whole situation just makes me sad and angry to be honest.
I"m sorry, are you under the impression that there is something that can
excuse your treatment and, lets call it what it is, irresponsible neglect, of your
son? Something which you decided not to include because reasons?
A stomach flu in a 5 years old is less complicated than having it as an infant as their amune system is yet to mature.
Greg, coins don't just go in and come out. When I was 18 months old I had a bad cough that never went away. they did x-rays and found what they thought was a quarter, but it was a pinny. They had to go down through my throat and remove it.
Is this where I point out that obviously they can go in and come out since it happened to him? Maybe it's really unlikely, but obviously it is possible.
Yeah, they don't always, but it's like anything, naturally your body is going to try and get rid of it!!
Yeah, there is medical record of a child swallowing an open pocket knife and
surviving. Does this mean we want kids playing with knives? Guys, just because
the child survives doesn't mean its a healthy thing to do. Why are you giving
her credit for this kind of thing? What, because she didn't kill her kid, you figure
she gets points for trying? This is parenting, not little league soccer.
Trisha, ok, what were your partner's reasons for having a baby then?
that's an important question.
2 people make a baby. that means that both 2 people have to be 100% behind that decision.
Was he or wasn't he.
this is what I am trying to get to, because if he wasn't behind it then, and he's no more behind it now, then there's a good chance he just hasn't got the emotional maturety to be behind fatherhood.
Fatherhood is more than just doing the maintanence work. if he is not showing affection for martial, and he is just doing what is expected of him, or he's doing it, but really would rather that you were, then, since your son is 9 months old, there's a good chance that he just isn't able to cope.
Like I said. you need to talk this through like adults and come up with the solution that is right for all of you as individuals.
it doesn't mean that you all get what you want, but you all need to be able to function.
I think it is sad to see this thread turn into a big debate about whether or not the original poster should have had her baby rather than provide practical solutions that might actually help the situation.
Trisha, I understand from your first post that you are not interested in going to a homeless shelter as a means for getting some space between you and your partner. However, have you looked to see if there is something like a group home for low income single mothers in your area? I think something like this could be a good stepping stone in taking a time out from your relationship to see if it is really good for you or your baby while being in a supportive environment where you could learn the skills necessary to support you and your baby. If you feel as though your relationship with your partner is abusive, you could try contacting a women's shelter that is specifically designed to help women with children leave abusive relationships.
I cannot remember all the practical advice people have given you among all these posts. However, things like applying for food stamps, the program for women, infants, and children as well as any and all low-income housing could also benefit your situation. I know your first post states that you have not been able to get low-income housing before because you did not have any kind of credit history. However, I would encourage you to try applying again. If your name is on the lease for your current apartment, and you are paying rent, I believe this helps to establish a credit history.
I do not see anything in your first post about seeking out any kind of counseling, so perhaps this is something you mentioned in a later posts. If this is something you are interested in, but do not have the money to afford it, I would encourage you to seek out something like a women's resource center which may provide free counseling among other services. Also, if you have any kind of health insurance, you could try calling your insurance company to see if they might be able to help you find a counselor who accepts your health insurance.
I am not familiar with all of the services that are located in your area, so I am not able to provide you with any specific places in your area that might be able to help you with your situation. However, these are the types of services I would be looking for if I found myself facing a similar situation as you have described. I know what it is like to feel stuck in life, especially when you are doing everything you can to improve your situation, and it never seems to work out. But if you keep trying, maybe someday something will pull through for you, and all your hard work will get you to where you want to be in life. I hope some of this helps your situation.
Excelent suggestions, Crazy Cat.
We actually have orphanage. I've actually helped some kids in these homes.
They are not titled that, but homes for kids Cody.
These kids are not adopted for whatever reason, so live in homes.
When married, I was what is called a foster parent for a time.
So, yes, we still have them.
Shep I am with you.
You took CPR in high school? Those guidelines change very frequently, so it's up
to you to keep up with the certification. Hell, I still need to renew my
certification because as a high school freshman in 2002, I was required to take
health class and pass the CPR and basic first aid portion of it to get through the
class. I am so rusty with CPR from not using it, that I'm not even sure what the
guidelines are anymore, only that they now focus more on chest compressions
than actual rescue breathing. It's good to keep oneself up-to-date on basic first
aid so you know how to handle an emergency situation, whether it's heart-
related or treating cuts, sprains or breaks until you can get to a hospital or
urgent care.
as someone who has actually done the first aid for infants cource, I can tell you right now that first aid for babies is very different from the stuff you do in highschool. If you do cpr on an infant like you would an adult, you would likely kill the infant.
True. CPR on a small person is different from an adult.
But how many people actually know how to give CPR period?
This lady needs to get relocated. End of story.
You should know if you are a parent, or at least make it your business to know. I took the class but mine is up for renewal in May.
Ok I've not read all the responses since last I wrote.
Also I'm a bit drunk. But here goes:
Tricia, I'm a dad who did his best. But, my daughter's mom is a educator and
from a family of educators. Guess what? I was being "redirected" or some other
words they got, all the time. They're big into aged appropriate this, consistency
that, appropriate toys this, dexterity that. Far too complex for a simple kinda
man like me. Now, I'm not a negligent father or any of that, far from. In fact
She would never say so. But I'm saying, even when one tries with all their
being, one gets criticism.
Part of being a parent is being a failure, of that I am convinced now, and my
baby girl is 21.
Did I grasp it all? Hell no, all those complicated things no. But I could certainly
take care of her, and give her some kind of street smarts, even a bit of my non-
government anti-establishment libertarian self.
I cooked, I cleaned, I scooped pooh, I did everything parents do. But I came
under criticism for things at different times.
It happens to all of us.
Give your kid and their sleepover friends grilled peanut butter sammiches for
breakfast, get some kind of response for how that wasn't the right way. Or tell
your teenager, "You gotta get your homework done, or I'll take your fucking
phone till it's done," And be told you "need to find different words." But it's all in
the cards. As a parent you're going to come under criticism. It happens.
Happens to the best of us.
As to the planning thing? Well lots of kids aren't specifically planned though it's
best that way. Ours was not, but you got to move on. And deal with what is
now. People will criticize you one way or the other till your kid's grown, then
your kid might criticize you afterwards. It's parenthood, welcome to the club.
And lol some of us less refined types probably take more than others, but that's
just how it works.
we discussed infant CPR, but there were only those manikins for learning adult CPR. I'd love to learn infant CPR and plan on contacting the hospital on Monday to see if they have classes available. If I take it through the red cross, they want an arm and a leg in return. Um ... financially speaking, of course. so that's out of the question. anything like that costing over $100 is just not in the budget for me right now.
I forgot to mention that nurses for newborns came in and worked with me in infant cpr for the 1st 4 months of Marshall's life. I practiced on a doll of course and she mainly focused on chest compressions but she showed me step by step so I can do it all without a doubt if I had to.
Ok, you bit your baby's nails? Gross!
And, advice, if you don't want to get bashed, stop making yourself look stupid because that's what you're doing. Anyways, go and get the help you need so that you can function on your own because having people in your house just shows how incapable you are and just proves people's point from this debate. It's great that you wanted to be a mother because you thought you would make a good one and blah blah, but you're kind of sucking at putting those words to action at the moment. Not being mean, just speaking it how it is.
Good work on the efert though, and just because CPS hasn't been there lately doesn't mean anything.
Um Lake dear. biting the babies nails is the safest way to trim them. You can feel with your mouth, so won't hurt the fingers.
Babies nails ggrow and they will scratch themselves, so you bite them to keep them short.
My wife could see, and even she bit them.
How about that.
My mother bites them, my sisters.
My X wifes mother bites them. Heck, I've even had my kids doctor suggest I bite them.
Like Shep, I have no idea why everyones centered on the boy, when what she requires is a new place and methods to deal in it?
I guess you all just fill like jumping her. Lol
Lakeria tons of stuff about parenting is just plain gross. Pooh in the bag with the
clothes when you pick her up from the daycare. Food on the floor that you must
clean up. Puke in your ear when the baby is being burped. Being pissed upon
while changing the baby if the baby's a boy. Mine was a girl so didn't have that
problem.
Cuts, bumps, bruises, taking stuff out of their mouth you really don't want them
eating.
Parenting is gross, period.
Also, not using the exact refined right thing isn't always wrong. I used to stick
my baby girl inside my jacket like a puppy, with her head sticking out. Even as a
almost newborn, she would kind of hang on like a baby monkey though of
course I had her supported with my other hand.
Humans have been raising their offsprings since long before we journeyed out of
Africa, and long before all the theories and stuff they got now. Not saying the
new stuff's wrong, it's not. But it's also not every single thing either.
I'd bet people bit their babies' nails as a way to trim them for most of human
history and prehistory.
Oh, and Tricia, there are so many ways to be criticized as a parent, some fair
and some not so fair. I personally had the misfortune of having a somewhat
neotenous appearance, so in my early 20s I looked like a teenage father. I have
said many times before that I got no special attention for being a father. By that
I meant positive attention. But due to having a young-looking face, I took lots
of public ridicule from, in particular, middle-aged women who stopped what they
were doing to "voice their concern," uber snooty upper class word for "stick
their nose where it doesn't belong". Did it make me insecure? Hell yes! There
were even places I went out of my way not to go to in order to avoid this.
So yes, as a parent, prepare to be criticized. It's what we get.
But in the end, so long as you use common sense, I think kids will come out all
right. Mine has, I'd like to think.
Wayne, pretty much every mum on this board is telling her that they don't bite their child's nails.
so ok, people you know did it, does it make it less disgusting? no. does it make it ok? no.
It's actually less good if we as blind parents do it, because we might not always see if our child shoves their hand into the mouth before we have had time to clean it properly after having their fingers in our filthy, germ-infested mouths.
I don't go mad about sterilising everything, because babies need to build up immune systems, but this is just something I do not do, for health reasons and for safety reasons. Babies nails tare very easily, and by biting them we run the risk of pulling too much off and hurting the infant. This is why learning to use a nail file is good. I didn't even need to be taught to do that. I just learned on my own.
It's one of those things where biting your baby's nails doesn't make you a bad parent, by itself, but it does come with some risks if you aren't careful. That's about as far as it goes.
I would say this is among your lesser worries if you are sure to wash Marshall's hands just as soon as you possibly can after trimming his nails, and as long as you're very careful. Using a file might be technically better, but using your teeth doesn't make you a barbarian either.
I'd personally be more worried about your floor, and the things Marshall might find and then put in his mouth, than I'd worry about you biting his nails. The fact that a handful of mothers here have spoken out against nail-biting really isn't all that demonstrative, considering basically all the mothers who have so spoken are extremely conscious of parental things, far more than, say, my parents and most of the parents I knew growing up ever were. This isn't a crime, it's not a bad thing, but as Leo has intimated a few times now, there's a level beyond which you're probably doing okay, and you don't have to go eight leaps beyond that line in order to pass inspection. Some of you mothers are doing way way more than bare minimum, and that's awesome. You're also trying to encourage Trisha here to do more than the bare minimum. That's cool too. I'm not trying to fault you for that. At worst, I'm only saying that she can do a little less than you in some areas without being shamed, attacked or harped on, that's all. Again with the useful encouragement thing. Children's Services is not going to take a baby away because mom is biting his nails. There are probably much bigger fish to fry, as it were.
Yep I do wash his hands afterwords with his baby soap and I use baby wipes also as an added precaution not sure if tht itself is overdoing the cleanliness though
If you're biting his nails, you're definitely taking risks, as has been said. The mouth is almost never clean, so unless you're brushing your teeth vigorously before every nail-biting, then you're exposing his hands to a lot of bacteria. Of course, his hands probably go in and around his own mouth anyway; baby hands are rarely clean. That's to say you probably can't overdo the cleanliness angle when it comes to biting his nails.
And for pete's sake. if you notice his fingers and/or his cuticles getting sore, or if he gets cuts or scratches on his hands, stop biting his nails immediately and switch to a file. He doesn't need infections from oral bacteria.
Ok so I' just curious has anyone used actual baby nail clippers? I have a pair of those but am hesitant about that because they're a little sharper than adult clippers but I was wondering if they are safe anyway?
Ok, that's fine, but a lot of you are in like, your 50's? :p I just personally wouldn't do it, but whatever.
I read a study in the past couple years that linked an increase in the incidents of
Crohns Disease with our obsession with germs and little kids.
They[re not saying act like a pig, but that we tend to really be too obsessive
about this, and raise them in too much of an antiseptic environment. Of course,
I'd balance that off with the fact that day cares and schools pack more juvenile
humans together than is very good for us, from an evolutionary perspective.
Anyway, to any younger parents who really feel like you have all the answers
and can snoot at the rest of us. Note that we snooted at our parents, you know,
the people who had kids during the 60s and 70s. And now on the other end, I
guess you're giving me / us our comeuppance. I see all these parents online
and in real life, talking as though 25 years ago was the dark ages, a time when
we didn't care for the nutrition or happiness of our babies, when we left them to
cry under harsh conditions. Lol makes me seriously wonder now what parts my
generation got wrong about our parents, when we were some of you fools' age.
No matter what you do, someone with a book to sell will criticize you. Again, I
really have no right to resent you all talking about the way we did things as
though we were backwards. But it does make me wonder how wrong we
probably were, when I was in my 20s, about our own parents' generation. That
would be your grandparent's generation.
I no longer believe in the "myth of progress," as some now call it, that we by
definition are doing things better now than before. Certainly there are a lot of
things where we've made strides. But I'm more prepared to say it's a mixed
bag. That's not an answer either extreme would have but I think that probably
makes a lot more sense.
I don't think anyone's sterilizing nail files, either. :)
no, but as I have already pointed out, our mouths are one of the dirtiest parts of our body, and even after brushing, they don't stay clean for long.
I have already said that I don't go mad with over sterilising stuff that Matilda uses. I don't sterilise her passifyer every single time she drops it. Our floor gets cleaned very often. Noone is allowed to walk on it in shoes. We don't drop food on it. So if her passifyer gets dropped, I just pick it up and give it back to her. However if I find one on the floor that I don't know how long it's been there for, if I drop one in the bathroom, or if she drops one outside, I absolutely clean it properly.
I wouldn't use baby nail clippers without someone to teach you. This is why I use a file. it's much safer and there's less chance of me accidentally cutting off too much nail or cutting her finger accidentally either.
I absolutely agree that there are environments for babies that are too sterile. However a clean floor is a must, and if there is a way to do a task that doesn't involve exposing your child to serious bacteria like the mouth, then you should learn to do it. No, social services won't take a child away for that one thing. However when that one thing is added to a number of others, such as near choking insodents and whatever else we don't know about, it all adds up.
That's true enoough, Loui. You'll note, I hope, that I did say that biting nails isn't horrible by itself. It isn't. But if it's added up with other stuff it might be worse.
Leo, I'm mostly with you here. I think in some ways we really have come along in the right direction, but in a few ways we're causing problems. This obsession with anti-bacterial this and anti-bacterial that is actually causing problems. Kids are getting sicker, staying sicker for longer, because bacteria are mutating (as bacteria always do) and just learning how to beat what we use.
We don't all need to live like pigs or anything, but I'm glad, Loui, that you agree that a baby doesn't need a sterile environment. Clean, yes...clean as in, I'm not going to find cigarette butts or candy wrappers on the floor to eat.
Hell, when I was young we had a dog. Some of the rooms in our house had carpet. I practically guarantee you I found tiny bits of dog biscuit on the floor as a child and wondered what the hell they were. My mom used the vacuum often enough, but even sighted peopple miss stuff, and unless you're cleaning your house daily, a kid is apt to find it before you do. If it's not toxic, not a choking hazard and frankly doesn't happen often, I'd say it's just par for the course for the most part.
Someone said way back in the thread that being blind is no excuse for not being clean. We have to expend more effort, but otherwise I agree completely with that. If you've got an unclean floor, you can probably do something about it.
Anyway, this isn't meant too bash on anyone or pick on anyone either. Honestly I'm glad this conversation has gone back to some modicum of rationality.
there's no excuse for not having a clean floor. none whatsoever. we have a vacuum and a steam mop and we use both on a regular basis where Matilda crawls. On top of that, I get down on my hands and knees every day to pick up her toys and put them so I know where they are, pick up any bits of clothing she has managed to take off and make absolutely sure there are no bits of anything on the floor that have somehow fallen. It's worth doing. I found a pencil that had roled off the table the other day.
That's what I do every night after she goes to bed and before I get her up. You can even do it with your bare feet.
If you move methodically around an area you can cover every part of the floor that way and then you will find all the crap and you can pick it up.
Not being able to see just isn't an excuse here.
It might be an excuse that uneducated sighted people would accept gladly, but we're not.
I'm just gonna point out that crone's disease is caused by sores in your
intestine that causes certain foods to upset your digestive system, so you're
forced to eat blander foods and avoid certain harder foods. It has nothing to do
with germs, so I highly doubt its caused by our sterilization of anything.
Interesting Perestroika, because, true confessions here, I used to put the
daughter's bottle nipples in boiling water. Yes, boiling. I sterilized a lot of her
stuff the way you do when you keep birds. Yes, we did have some of the more
natural people around to say germs were good for kids to a limited extent but
there were some things I just personally did.
Just goes to show everyone's a bit different I guess.
Cody I may have had the disease wrong, but it was some fatal intestinal disease
that they said the greater antiseptic environment was causing some of this.
Now apparently people in the 1950s were way worse than us about this stuff, in
some cases not letting their baby be outside on the ground and stuff.
I think most people on here do their best. You know, we had a cloth diaper
movement in the 90s also, despite what your parenting magazines tell you
about us hehe but it's true. We actually tried it. The disposables were in a way
cleaner because they absorbed better and no matter how good you get with the
cloth ones it spills.
It was the 90s when you did away with jarred baby food mostly, and used the
cooking like I described. And let the baby pick it up off the tray and eat it with
their hands. Messy as hell but you can just clean them up and the bib too,
afterwards.
There is apparently a link between increased use of anti-bacterials and antibiotics, correlated with an increased risk of bowel disease in children. I don't know how hard and fast it is, and sometimes antibiotics are kinda necessary to stop an infection that's threatening...but still.
Never mind that. All the shit that's being put into our food nowadays isn't helping either.
Interesting fact for you: some people who are apparently glutin-intolerant in America can go to Europe or Asia, eat normal white bread, and don't have an issue.
I am glad to see modern parents have chilled with the "no antibiotics" nazism of
the 90s. If your kid has an ear infection, you got to get them some antibiotics.
But in the 90s people practically thought you horrible for giving your kid
antibiotics, as kind of a reactionary movement against how people were before.
Modern parents are using a combination of antibiotics and probiotics now, stuff I
didn't used to know about even though I flouted the nonsense and went with
the antibiotics back in the 90s.
Just watch out for the nazi type movements, every generation has them in
parenting just like anything else. And the "true believers" are really defensive
and crazy about it.
Lol Leo, sometimes I think you are overboard and sound a bit extreme yourself by wanting to do the opposite... Just saying.
The probiotic is useful in re-alining the natural balance in the intestines when taking antibiotic for prolonged period. This is only effective however, if you take it on opposite schedule. I.e. antibiotic in the morning, probiotic in the evening. It has many more benefits than just that. I know with my daughter, a month before school starts, I would give her probiotic and omega 3 tablet for a month straight leading up to school. She is rarely sick, safe for a minor cold here and there.
Oh and, when I had to prepare baby food, I too, sterelized the jars in which I would store the leftover to be freezed.
Another tip, You could also portion the leftover food into the icecube tray and once frozened, put them into ziplocked bags... easy to take out the ration that you need.
I'll agree with the clean floor.
However, biting nails just isn't going to hurt a child. Never did mine, nor all the ones we took care of.
How about these bare feet. Do you wash them after you leave the bathroom?
If you don't close the top when you flush, did you know water mist floats in the bath? So if you are in
the bath barefoot and you dake a dump and flush, well, that water mist gets on the floor if you don't close the top before you flush.
Now you go find the toys with your bare feet and.
How about your shoes, do you wash the insides of them?Do you know kids sometimes get the hands inside a diaper?
They eat snot, and in the summer the flies and bugs sometimes get on the floor.
How about mother that chew the baby food, because they don't buy it in jars, but cook it fresh, so chew it so it is soft?
These people are naturalist. American Indian mothers do it as a way of feeding the child. They don't have a blender, so chew the food for the child.
Lord. Some people have dogs and cats, and they walk on the floors.
No matter how goodyou vacume, the dogs and cats hair is on the floor.
I had a guide dog. My daughter would crawl over and go to sleep on him all the time. Lol
I wonder how much hair she ate.
You've got open windows and the wind blows.
Biting nails? Forget it.
My kids were never sick with colds and such.
Come on people. Leave the lady alone as far as her child goes.
Everyone doesn't keep a clean house and we've got a zillion people on the earth.
I know some folks that are absolutely nasty, and there babies grow up to be nasty too.
Rant over.
I posted some helpful ideas on how to get relocated. If you need more send me a message and I'll do some research.
But, I'll bet the people that come out to help you will be a great resource.
Not giving the OP practical advice? Really? Throughout the numerous topics the OP has posted on regarding parenting issues, we've given her advice about how to handle the various situations she gets herself into...and every bit of it falls on deaf ears.
As she's said in this topic though, she knows what resources are available to her; now she actually has to, you know, get off her arce and uh, make them work for her. First though, she should talk to her baby daddy like the adult that she claims to be, so that she'll then more easily have a sense of direction about moving forward.
I suspect she'd talked to him.
Probably the reason she know's he wishes to put the boy up for adoption.
I should try to talk to Marshall's father? Hmmm, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? I'm being sarcastic here. Of course I've tried talking to him and it usually feels like I'm talking to a brick wall with him. When we talk, somehow it almost always turns into an argument. Just today for instance, I had asked him if he dropped my $20 bill behind something, I had told him that he might have since it was on top of a stack of coins that my bf had knocked over in our room and btw, we picked up all the coins. Anyway, he felt like I was blaming him and it turned into a stupid argument. So the times I ask him if he loves my son or not, that is one of the times I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall because he doesn't give an answer at all. Sometimes when I can't talk to him, I try to talk to his parents, but everyone he deals with can't get anything through to him and we can't get him to seek help with his issues even though he knows he needs help but I won't go into detail about that stuff, just trying to make a few points. We've all told him that he's stressing himself out too much because he talks about how he never has time to relax which isn't true because his schedule isn't as busy as he claims, even his sister and parents have said he is able to make time to relax but he chooses not to. But with him it all goes in one ear and out the other. He doesn't listen to anybody.
Fine. Now forget all this stuff about how you're a bad mom and get to using the things you need.
Wayne, I don't clean the bathroom floor with my feet. just in case you got that one very wrong. I don't even do that with the floor Matilda uses. I get on my hands and knees there, because I prefer to be able to pick crap up straight away. I was saying that you could do it that way. and even that would be healthier than sticking your kids hands in your mouth because your feet are actually cleaner.
Leo, I do the same thing as you did where her food is concerned. Mostly because there is a lot of bacteria that live in the fridge, so yes, sterilising her bottles is actually a good idea. I do the same with the parts of my breast pump that come into contact with milk. I also sterilise her bottles properly every couple of days, rather than just washing them. She has 5 bottles in circulation
so this isn't too hard. she also has her own dedicated waterbottle.
Afterall, her mouth is dirty too, so it makes sense. but a passifyer ddropped on our clean floor for a few seconds is not going to pose a major health risk.
Nor is going out on the ground or anything else. Hell, it's been -15 here lately and I have still been taking her out daily. dressed properly of course.
Trisha, if you can't talk to him, and his family aren't giving you the support you need, you're on your own. many mothers find themselves in this position. Nothing is going to change him but his own will to do so.
So it looks like you have a decision to make, and if he is in brick wall mode, you will have to make it on your own. The resources are there for you to keep your child, you just have to go out and get them and find someone to support you in whatever choice you make.
No, I didn't mean you clean the bath floor.
You walk on it barefoot. Even after you've cleaned it and you take a dump, but don't close the top of the toilet water mist floats.
This lands on the floor you are walking on with your bare feet. Smile.
I'm not saying you're doing bad, I'm just pointing out, no matter how you think you're clean you aren't as clean as you think.
I actually called my X wife today about the biting of the baby nails. She still does it to this day she says. Lol
You're daughter will grow up just fine I'm sure, but jumping on someone about something simple like biting her childs nails is over board.
Sorry.
Agrees with Wayne on the toilet lid thing. If you don't keep your toilet closed while flushing and your toothbrushes are closeby on the counter, well... you are brushing your teeth with toothpaste and toilet juice.
Wayne... just because chewing food as a mean of mushing is ok, this does not mean that there isn't a cleaner and more effiscient way of getting the same task done. The blendar, are you ready for this? is known as progress!!!! What a concept huh???.
And OP, have you heard of silence speaks louder than words? Masicate on that idea.
I understand that perfectly Kim.
I'm just saying, people have been rasing babies forever, and these babies are healthy.
Before they had blenders, mothers chewed food. We are here now because mothers chewed food.
I understand trying to do things best you can, but some folks go over the moon.
His family is a good source of help, that is why I talk to them when I can't get through to the father but a lot of times they can't get through to him on anything concerning anything at all either. In short, everyone has a hard time talking to him on parenting matters or anything else non parent related so it's not just me.
So wayne, if you are so big on the old fashion ways work best, why not get rid of your vaccume cleaner and reverse to using a broom and pale? After all, they work well right? But you won't because I think you are intelligent enough to know that a vaccume cleaner cuts down on time, it cleans way better especially for a blind individual. Moreover, when you need to puree something, why don't you just use your mouth and mush up whatever it is instead of using a food processor or a blendar? That works to right? I'd be interested to know if anyone would come to your house for dinner and have said dish you have so time consumingly prepared?
How do you know I don't use a broom? Vacum cleaners are expensive.
As to cutting up foods, I just use my pocket knife.
All I'm saying is this lady's getting bashed when there is no cause.
She doesn't need to be taught to be a mother, she is seeking ways to relocate.
She's a young lady, so doesn't know everything.
She has done many thing to get herself going, and that is good in my book.
Biting her child nails is just not important in the big picture.
Smile.
Clearly, if he's not willing to listen to family, never mind you, (his significant
other and the mother of his child), then you guys are pretty much toast where
maintaining the relationship is concerned. agree with Loui.stroika. 182.
Look guys I am going to say this one. time. and only. once. I am open to questions and will gladly explain things in more detail but only to those who honestly care about the situation and I can see based on what's been said here who are the ones that care. So, rather than try to explain on here, if you want to know the entire side and not judge then drop me a private line by pqn or whatever method you choose. It seems if I explain myself here, people think I'm justifying bad habits and what have you so maybe it is just easier to explain to one person at a time or to a select few who actually give a damn and not looking to be spiteful or cruel just because that's what gets their rocks off.
Trisha, it is good to see you are able to get some positive support from your partner's family. However, as far as your partner is concerned, I honestly think it would do you a lot of good if you could find some way to spend some time away from him to evaluate whether or not a relationship with him is in the best interest for you and your baby. While I am sure there are improvements that can be made to your parenting skills, I think you are on the right track in terms of caring for your baby. However, the way you continue to describe your partner, I am more concerned about how his behavior is effecting the welfare of your baby rather than your parenting skills. The behavior of your partner sounds somewhat abusive to me, and in most cases, abuse in intimate relationships only escalates and gets worse over time. Therefore, I believe the most important thing you could do for your baby is to spend some time away from your partner. I really wish nothing but the best for you and your baby.
Trisha, in some sense you have tried to justify very bad habbits.
I use the fact that your baby has nearly choked not once, not twice, but several times.
he only choked twice. does that count for several? if so I guess ppl have different definitions of several, couple, and a few.
But how many times have you had to take things out of his mouth?
not that often, babies are always going to put things in their mouths no matter what.
I think Kimi and others have misunderstood Wayne.
If I read Wayne's posts right, he's not advocating everyone chewing their baby's
food for them, or anything like that. Just stating that we humans have got along
for millennia without every little thing every book now says you should do
properly.
What intrigues me is talking to people who aren't in the developed nations, who
don't have all our first world problems. They're doing the best they can, they're
not living like pigs in a sty like your media tells you. But they just can't be
bothered with every little single thing done every proper book way. They're not
shitting themselves silly if a parent does something that's a little bit less than
what everyone says. If the child isn't potty trained by age 2, or can't do another
skill by age 3, or any number of other things parents get measured by, these
people aren't wetting themselves over it. I think we could probably learn
something. Doesn't mean go backwards, but it does mean maybe do a lot less
picking at each other as parents over some silly things. Which means we can
deal with the major issues, some of which have been brought up on this thread.
Like the male partner not acting like a proper father, for instance.
They have special files for babies, and I know they work. I am not going to judge whether you are right or wrong. Do what is best for you and the child. A person will never change, till they hit rock bottom. Personal experience tells me this, and seeing friends go through things.
And, do not be so sensative. Some people out here are just going to judge you. Even Chelsea has criticized people for trying to commit suicide. Or, for not thinking the way she does. Some people, one at least, rarely have something positive to say. It just is.
I'm saying prayers that you do what's best to keep you and your son together.
Blessings,
Sarah
I'm with Leo again here.
We don't have to go back to basics just because we can, but it does prove that the margin for error, on some things at least, is actually quite large.
Then why bother trying to make progress with technology? Why bother spending money on research for cure to illnesses? Why trying to develop means to improve things in small ways to try and help us be more effiscient if the old ways are enough? Why don't people just get rid of their modern conviniences if doing things backword work so well? Again, it's call progress people. If however, some of you enjoy doing certain things the cavemen ways then go for it, lol.
Um, greg, you do realize that that large margin of error you mentioned is
babies dying right? Taht margin of error, those errors are dead babies. Exactly
how large a margin of error do you want? How about the fact that only a
hundred years ago you had a fifty fifty chance of having your baby die by the
time its five? How about the fact that at that same time, you would feed your
baby morphine for almost anything.
I'm just gonna be blunt here, you guys should not talk about the past. I doubt
any of you have a fucking clue what it was like past maybe watching the history
channel a few times. Read some history and then you can talk.
Actually, Cody, I'm not talking about 1890. I'm talking about, say, 1970 or so. But have on. If the only way you can make your argument look good is to glorify it by misrepresenting facts, the only one who looks like an idiot is you.
Not all progress is bad progress. Some of it is excellent.
And not all of that large margin I mentioned is dead babies either. In fact, that large margin is almost entirely a -safe margin. When it starts being actively dangerous to anyone, especially the child, it starts being one hell of a serious problem that should not be tolerated. You won't ever catch me saying otherwise.
But biting a baby's nails isn't going to kill your baby. Neither is giving him a strawberry when he's eight months old, letting him play in the grass well-supervised at the same age, or any of a host of other things parents do even though certain so-called experts might speak out against them. No, I'm not saying any of you have an issue with putting your baby in the grass, but the nail-biting is a really illustrative example.
Kim, you asked "why all the progress?". One of the reasons is that it's for the sake of progress itself, which is perfectly natural. But one of the other reasons is financial. There is an enormous business in refining, revising and throwing out ideas, proclaiming one as "the best" and another as "no longer tenable" purely to gain a buck. Look. We have a system where certain drugs are not available because they'd actually lose companies money. We have a system which harps on about anti-bacterial this and that, blithely ignoring the fact that we're indirectly causing bacteria to get hardier and nastier. We have a system which has absolutely no problem endorsing something as progressive, safe or even necessary as lng as it gets the right amount of funding from the right sorts of people. Oh yes, and don't worry about those scary side effects; they happen only to a statistically insignificant fourteen percent of people.
In short, our medical system, which is where some of these ideas germinate, is a friggin' mess. it's progressed amazingly in some ways, and it's a cesspool in others. If you want to put all your faith in it, go for it. I doubt your child will actually suffer. Just don't be dogmatic. That's all I ask.
If a given behaviour has been done for dozens, hundreds, maybe thousands of years and has never actually been causally linked to harm in a significant enough manner, then leave it alone.
Yep, Cody's right... If the past is so great no one would spend the effort, money, time, and constant research to better our lives and our chances of a longer life. Do I think all modern ways are the only ways? It's a matter of common sense and proper dosage.
Actually, there's a fairly strong case against "progress for progress's sake".
Humans have become obsessed, absolutely and thoroughly obsessed, with the concept of "how can this be better?". This is true even when the thing in question is safe, harmless, speedy, efficient...well, pick your favourite useful adjective, depending on whatever it is.
So sometimes things are upgraded because the previous model really did have a design flaw, or a safety problem. And that's fine. But sometimes things get changed or upgraded purely because we, as a species, just can't leave anything well enough alone.
Just think about that the next time you buy (or buy into) something. Ask yourself if the supposed upgrade is actually a factual upgrade or just a new version of the same thing. Ask yourself if you're actually replacing your older product or ideology with an improved version.
In a case of, say, giving babies morphine? Undoubtedly we've come a long way since then. Same with cancer treatments, eco-friendly engines, speedy wi-fi, good headphones, and a whole ton of other stuff. Knowledge itself, for that matter; there's no doubt we know more than we ever have before, and that's only going to grow. But that alone does not make all progress good progress, or necessary progress.
Sometimes Greg, your ignorance astounds me. You're a smart guy, but
sometimes you are breathtakingly dumb. You really think things aren't much
better from the 70's? We've had a drastic decrease in infant mortality since the
seventies. we've had a drastic increase in antibiotics since the seventies. A
drastic increase in quality health care, decrease in infections and diseases, and
an increase in safety. We're nowhere near perfect yet, but things are constantly
getting better. Only an idiot, or someone who doesn't have a clue what they're
talking about would say otherwise. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt
and assume you're the latter.
Just to prove I'm not just claiming things to support my argument, here are
some figures. Our infant mortality rate is, as I said, drastically lower than it was
in 1970. http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0779935.html
And we have an increase in glutin intolerance despite more care being taken about what babies (and people in general) are technically supposed to eat.
We have kids getting routinely sicker, having more and more breathing problems, because we continue to fuck up the ecosystem.
We have climate change, which is a thing, and something I can personally attest to; our winters are getting warmer, and it's screwing with all kinds of stuff.
We are exposed to more and more sensationalism because of 1. the way the world is shrinking in a social sense and 2. the way humans are responding to said progress. When things swing, it's more wild now.
So yes, Cody. I agree that infant survivability is up, and that's excellent. There is better technology to help newborns, and more knowledge on how to better handle critical scenarios. This is that good progress I spoke of.
But eating a strawberry at eight months old isn't critical.
Biting your child's nails isn't critical.
Swallowing a dime probably isn't critical, though I've already said my piece on that one; still shouldn't be shit all over the floor for baby to put in his mouth.
Following every single so-called bit of progress isn't critical.
That doesn't make me stupid. It makes me practical. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, as you did me, and assume I just wasn't clear before, rather than concluding you're being willfully blind or self-serving by twisting my words to suit your agenda. Hopefully I'm clear now.
Not all progress is bad. Or good. Or necessary.
Some of it is definitely one of those things. Example: honey is a botulism risk. We didn't know that a long time ago. Now we know. Don't feed an infant honey. Logical, right?
You can't justify every new thing as viable purely because it's progress. That is the overall thrust of my argument.
This board is the first place I have ever, ever heard of parents' biting their baby's nails to trim them. Disgusted.
I've heard of it lots before now. It has an immediate ewww factor, but when you realize that a lot of animals in the wild often ingest the feces of their young while they're very small, I'd say it puts it into a little perspective.
The eww factor is probably more cultural than anything. We're still animals at our core.
Trisha. babies are absolutely going to put things in their mouths, but that is not the point. I am astounded that you don't get the point there.
the point is that he shouldn't be able to get at things like coins, candy wrappers or papers to put in his mouth in the first place.
Absolutely noone is going to defend him getting ahold of things like that more than once or twice.
Here's one for the uber snooties.
I went crabbing with a friend and we brought back dungeons crabs. We cooked
them up and I gave crab butter to my 1 year old without thinking about aged
appropriated things. Crab butter is the "juice" from inside the shell body, mostly
crab fat, to be honest. It's there after the crab has been boiled. These were
boiled, not steamed. This is Oregon, not Maine, so instead of steaming, we put
crabs in the freezer till they chill out, then drop them in boiling water for 20
minutes.
Anyhow, apparently crab butter is probably outside of the child development
books, notwithstanding it has most likely been fed to native American babies for
millennia out here. By the way the baby drank it slurping and giggling till her
mama took it away but you'd never catch her eating a single fish anything now.
So there goes the theory of my parents' generation, that if you feed kids some
of everything they won't be picky.
I'd never give a baby raw fish, although the Japanese do it. But I think what
really put her mom off was I had her drinking the liquid right out of the shell
before we even broke the legs off. That's how you do it. Don't in a restaurant,
it's already drained.
Anyhow lots of funny things that happen with parenting growing up. And lots of
stuff I remember thinking, "I'll never let my kid do that!" or, "I can't believe
those parents with their kid!"
Wel, I deserved every ounce I got, and have the good sportsmanship to take it
in stride. Parenthood is a lot more complex than most of us realize.
The point isn't about progress, or not embracing progress.
The point is you all are attacking someone for things that don't much matter at all.
There not the worst things that can be happening.
I as Leo pointed out, posted things that might seem bad, but worked just fine.
Not to say they were perfect and we should not move on, but to say things work, and work well.
Last, and I'll give up.
Instead of talking about how many times a baby may or may not have choked, if it is a really bad thing to bite babies nails, or whatever, why not help the woman with what she's asked to be helped with?
Loui, your babies going to choke one day. It might be because she's drinking to fast, or getting to much breast milk,just anything, but it will happen.
Are you going to be the worst mother when it does? No.
Exactly because god forbid that any one of your kids could choke while eating and/or drinking through nobody's fault. What than do you have to say about that? I suppose social services should be called on all of us right? That being said, I wonder how many of you are really parents because I bet half of yall are just being cruel just because some of you are heartless. Call this self defense or whatever but I don't give a fuck. I do appreciate those of you who are actually being encouraging even though I may have made some stupid decisions.
Um? The majority of the people posting on this board are parents or they will not be criticizing...
That was a rhetorical and sarcastic question.
No, actually they are not. Smile.
I think 4 of us actually are.
My point exactly. I stand by my last post...
Here are the parents.
Domestic Goddess
LeoGuardian
Perestroika
She’s new.
mini schtroumpfette
And myself.
The parents understand kids can choke and such things. Sometimes that choking will be on the baby’s spit, nothing else at all.
I don’t know about the rest of the parents, but I’ve taken care of at least 10 babies in my house a sometime or other.
I have 3 of my own. I’ve not lost any and all to this date are healthy.
The poster has posted some things in my opinion she shouldn’t have posted, because these things are ordinary day to day happenings.
If you say a baby has choked 2 or 3 times, that is nothing.
A baby could choke on a toy that can’t actually be swallowed.
It might be a block and so it causes the child to cough.
An adult isn’t able to swallow a block.
Perestroika
Is a brand new mom, so feels she’s going to change the way it is done and raise her baby just right? Smile.
Things happen sometimes despite our best efforts.
Perestroika
I’m not picking on you. I understand you have read all the books and are going to do it perfectly in your mind.
However, it doesn’t work like that.
Instead of jumping on another mother give her some sympathy.
mini schtroumpfette
you know things happen and can happen if you’re honest. Your daughters pretty big now and she probably chokes when she gets in a hurry eating.
I’m using the choking as an example, not the rule.
Things happen to kids.
I could understand if she was just a bad mother, but I don’t see this at all.
If you want to hear about some mothers that need the kids taken away, I’ll tell you about them.
I and my X did foster parenting for a time, and that’s when you get some mothers that simply don’t give a damn.
Give the girl some help.
Thanks for this list Wayne.
I see both sides. Sure, progress is good. But I think there is a scale on which you can put bad things parents do.
Like, biting the nails of a child. No, it's not ideal. There is a risk of infection. So you could say, maybe parents shouldn't do that. But imo the choking hazzards are much further along on that scale.
So sure, we can say don't bite the kids nails, but to be honest I'm not sure why everyone is getting so bent out of shape about that particular thing.
There are nail files that you can use, they are kind of soft, and if possible I'd advise using them over biting. But, if you have to bite, I guess it's not a choice right now.
Honestly if I were you I'd focus on getting your cooking and cleaning skills up together, removing the necessity for in home help.
Yes, I was horrified to see the post about the baby choking, and I've said that. I won't deny it either.
But you can do better. Make a list of things you want to improve on, and prioritise them. Some things can wait a year, others are urgent. And then work at that list, every day. If that requires research, do it. If it means evaluating your relationship, do it.
I hope this post isn't coming across as harsh, because I'm not meaning it to. I'm also not a parent, but this is how I work at issues in my life, I try and put them in order of urgency, because honestly there is so much to be done and if you think you need to do it all at once it results in more of a mess.
So, from this post you have a few things you want, or think you need to tackle.
Your relationship with your baby's dad.
Your ability to cook.
Your ability to clean, and the cleanliness of your house.
The ability for you to provide food for your child in the future, once he is age 5 or so.
So, you could take these problems, and put them in order of urgency. Which can be left a couple of months, and which need sorting almost immediately. I don't know your priorities, so I just wrote them without an order.
It can be done, it's hard, for parents, just from seeing what they experience. But you can come out the other side. But you have to make the decision to really focus on this.
Hope this helps somewhat, though, like I said I'm not a parent, just someone who has to try and organise my own things!
Good stuff Holly, and I really don't care for here on out. She knows what she needs to do from now on. Now, go do it!
I was going to respond to this topic with a long-winded speech, but I honestly think it'll be wasted words. Instead, I'll just link you guys to a song from the Dixie Chicks called More Love. Its lyrics sort of encapsulate most of what I want to say.
Love Wayne's last post.
And I was once one of those judgmental young peple. Not all people are judgmental like that, not even all young people. But I was, in some ways, though different form the way the new parents are. Oh well, life brought me down a notch or two, as usually happens to people.
No one is being harsh here--as has been said before, people have different ways of expressing themselves. Some like it, some are able to see its benefit, and others aren't.
Trisha has blamed everyone else for her situation being the way it is, and from the looks of things, she doesn't seem to have taken a hard look at herself. That is why some of us are coming down hard on her--that is wrong, because a baby's life is at steak here.
forreel, the first scenario you lay forth is an accident, which again, nock on wood, hasn't happen yet. The situation with the op is do to carelessness by having choking hazards laying around for an mobile infant to get a hold of. Are you understanding the differences now?? ... ... Good! Silly that I have to spell something that simple out, but alas...
leo, some call it judgemental, but I call this laying the facts down. Who the hell in this entire world hasn't been nock down several times in their lives? You are not that unique you know? The thing is, some of us take ownership and responsibilitie for our mistakes, learn from them and do are best to rise up rather then blaming other people or happenstances.
The differences between the op and Perestroika is that, the latter has and uses commen sense. She is prepared by having living and traveling skills before getting pregnant. If one day she ever become a single mom, which I hope that day will never happen, she will be fine, her baby is in great and capable hands. And what the heck is wrong with having ideals and expectations then do your very best to meet them? How does one better oneself if it isn't for goals and expectations???
Cruel and heartless??? Exgerated much? Just because we point out somethings you should avoid doing to uh, protectect your, and I do repeat, your baby, that you turn a deaf ears to, does not make us as you described. Again, if it weren't for your baby I wouldn't bother wasting my time posting to this board. I'd ignore it just like I would 99 percent of the others.
Somebody's got a bee in the bonnet I see. Surely I never said I was unique. Only that *I* had been one of those extremely judgmental people when I was a lot younger, before the Internet actualy. It's actually pretty normal to be that way when younger, and grow out of it.
Really wayne, finding ways to apologize for a parent allowing her child to
choke on and possibly ingest foreign objects. That's a new level of stupid, even
for you.
I'll tell you something that will make your hair curl. You want bad parenting??! I'll tell you what happened when I was around sixteen:
I met some friends Mom and Dad had when there was a marriage. They told me how when Mom was a new mom, she let our sheets drie, from a bed-wetting, and put them on the bed, still filthy. Bad parenting is Mom not even caring to feed us on time. She never kept the house up, we lived in filth. It took the state thirteen years, to get us out of that!
One time, Dad came home to Mom being passed out, while his 2-year-old daughter was fittling around with a gas stove.
Bad parenting, is letting your nine-year-old daughter feel you and your husband while naked. That, my dear, is bad parenting. Trish is a perfect mom, compared to the shit I got shoveled on me.
Bad parenting? I'm glad some of you are aware there's worse that can happen. Bad parenting is starving your kid cause she tossed brussel sprouts away, eat in front of her, while lecturing her on the "Fucking kids starving in Africa, and you have the gall to toss your food away?!!!"
I was beat, and lectured, and starved for twelve hours! And, the fucking state turns the other cheek!
I had a saussage shoved down my throat, for not chewing correctly, when my jaws have never been that good!
Do not, tell me how bad Trish is! I know bad parenting!
So does Wayne, Leo, and others with some good things to say out here!
I knew a kid who's mom was trying to actively kill him, and he still lived with her. The school knew, and did what they could. But, she fooled the backwards system.
You want to know about progress? Progress is fixing the fucked-up system! And not letting them keep putting the wrong kids in foster care, while defenseless blind kids can't duck blows for not being honest about their homework!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah! I said a whole lot. It's all true! I was told some of this stuff, and lived the rest.
One more bad parenting example and I'm done. I was beaten till I lied and said Dad threatened me, so my mom would leave me alone. Good parenting, is the fact my father forgave me. Not God the Father, my biological dad. You know what he told me?
"You were in a situation just like a P-O-W camp=Prisoner Of War! You had no choice, and you wanted the pain to stop! How could you do anything else?!"
So, Quit judging, please!
And, Trisha, I think you won't get any help from your bf. Sorry. If he's not there now, it may take his losing you and Marshal to get a clue. Be tough, cause you're nearly elligable for sainthood, in the mom department! That's how I feel! I say nearly, cause ain't no perfect person here. And, with what you're dealing with, you're doing a pretty good job!
I may not agree with all you do, but I'll drive the Indi 500, before I criticize you, for motherhood lacking! You care about your son! You wash his clothing, bedding, and all that! You bust your butt!
And, as far as keeping the floor clean, if you can't, get a folding playpin. Keeps him safe, and mama can watch him and of cours, take a trip to the toilet if needbe. If you can't afford one, ask if you can get help, from someone.
Blessings!
Sarah
Wow Sarah, that is sad. You seem to be dealing well now though considering your fucked up childhood. I am sorry that you had to go through all that.
Ok, so there are worse parents than Trisha. That's all well and good. Good job
for stating the blatantly obvious. But just because there are worse parents
doesn't make Trisha a good parent. Its better to lose one arm than it is to lose
both arms, but that doesn't make losing one arm a pleasant afternoon in a
hammock with a couple of pretty girls. The logic of the last post, surprisingly to
absolutely no one, is entirely faulty.
I actually take a different point from what Sarah intended from that post. It actually supports a point I made some time ago.
Some of the examples Sarah gave exemplify what really god-awful parenting is.
Some of the examples Trisha has explained to us exemplify what not-so-good parenting is.
There's a pretty big difference between the two, obviously.
And while I do agree that you're not awesome simply because you're not among that god-awful parenting crowd, it does give the situation a bit more perspective than a couple of you folks might like.
Instead of comparing Trisha to some ghostly status quo made up of judgments and books and progress for progress's sake, you get to compare her to real-life things that used to happen, and are still happening. When you do that, perhaps you don't find her quite so deplorable.
Remember, though, that on some level, Cody still has a point, and I've never intended to undermine it. Just because you're not awful doesn't mean you're great, and doesn't mean you're off the hook. As long as both perspectives are kept firmly in mind, good progress may follow.
Trisha, please remember this. Do not ever attempt to lessen a mistake by saying that someone else may have done it worse. That's a form of deferring responsibility.
That said, you don't have to feel guilty for eight thousand years for an honest mistake either. Accept mistakes as they come - and everyone makes them, so there's that - and then move on. Please don't waste time coming back to examples of worse parenting than yours; they're just going to be used as fuel to set fire to all your other claims.
Ok. I've done well to stay away from this board. I'm conflicted. I've been coming back and reading and debating whether to post... And I'm honestly upset right now. Genuinely upset. And concerned.
Trisha, I've posted to your parenting thread very frequently from the very beginning, I've talked to you outside of this web site; you've asked me for advice privately. And at times I've been angry and alarmed by what you've posted. At times I've done my best to be understanding and diplomatic; you're a new mother and your baby is a priority to you obviously, and since I've been invested in your posts and updates, to me as well, believe it or not. I've advocated for you when you had some good ideas and you needed guidence and defending. And I'll continue to do so if you ask me for advice or seek guidance, for the sake of your baby...
But you've asked here what you should do, and I tried to refrain from giving my God's honest oppinion because maybe to some it might sound harsh. I can't refrain any longer, and I don't mean to be harsh, just genuine.
I need to agree with Cody here, and Loui and kimi... I really feel great concern for your son, seriously. I literally think of him each day, wondering how he's doing and how you're coping with him... And so to that end, here are my honest thoughts:
1, your boyfriend is an ass. You're trying to make a father out of a man who's not going to be one. If someone can seriously hesitate about whether he loves his baby, that's a silent sign right there. A woman with lots of resolve and good common sense would do everything in her power to relieve him of the responsibility of fatherhood until and if he ever decided to seek Marshall out. Think about how fair it is to Marshall to grow up with a parent who doesn't even know if he loves him. Seriously? You want to be a family... what cloud are you living on.
2. Your boyfriend is an ass, that we have established already. But he has said something I grudgingly and achingly agree with. I think you might hate me for saying this, but please here me out. If I were you, I'd honestly consider open adoption. Marshall deserves stability, good common sense parenting, and a future where he's actually being cared for properly by his parent or parents, not vice versa. I know you love marshal. But a baby can't grow up on love alone. If you truly do love marshall, which I don't doubt you do, I believe you'd at least give open adoption some thought because if you love him, you want to give him the best. You know he deserves the best. And here you are, pretty much telling us you can't really provide that for him. I believe you try. I believe you want to. But honestly, here you are on this thread, talking about wanting to get strangers to rally around you and be your support system because you can't care for your son alone, and if you were to split with his father, you wouldn't stand a chance solo.
It's probably the most heartwrenching, most god-awful idea, to think about allowing your kid to have a decent chance at a good childhood by allowing him to be raised by someone other than you. I know. I understand that. Really I do. But what matters more: Marshall's well-being or your comfort with your own feelings.
See, because in the first post of this thread, you talk about how people have fucked you over by giving up on teaching you relevant blindness skills. You talk about how your boyfriend was fucked over by various people who have been in his life. Um... what about who's fucking marshall over? Did anyone stop to consider that? This poor sweet little baby was born to a mother who desperately wants to care for him but lacks some very relevant skills for selfcare, not to mention baby care, and a father who doesn't even know he wants him... Um. would anyone agree that little Marshall has already been fucked over right from the beginning? I'd say. You know, you say you've planned for him... Babies are planned for, though, when parents are in a financial situation to have a kid, not living off of a parent's part-time job and maybe some government assistance. Kids are planned for when parents are well-equipped to care for themselves, let alone the kid.
I'm frankly very upset that you actually planned to have this child despite the fact that you knew you had these limitations. I mean, accidental pregnancies in such circumstances are somewhat more excusable. People have unplanned babies all the time in less than ideal circumstances. Some make due with that, while others choose to adopt their children out. I chose to believe till now that you had marshall unplanned because it made you a little more plausible in the things you've told us so far. But god, if you actually actively chose to make and have this child under your circumstances, knowing you guys had little to no finances, you could only afford a roach-infested one-bedroom, knowing you didn't have the skills to care for yourself, knowing that your boyfriend and you were on rocky terms already beforehand... You know, you talk of cruelty on this board from those who judge you. You defend yourself by saying people are just cruel for cruelty's sake. I have to be blunt and say that I think you wer cruel for selfish reasons. If you like children and you want a baby to cuddle, go volunteer at a hospital. Don't make one that you haven't the slightest clue how to care for by the time he's born. If you want someone to love and someone to love you back, go get a puppy for god's sake. Dogs are more resilient than kids when they swallow coins and such. I can't get past the idea that you say Marshall was planned because I can't wrap my mind around the idea that anyone would think those circumstances you are in would be ideal for a child.
I don't think you're a bad parent, Trisha. I don't think you're evil or anything, I don't even think you're cruel, honestly. I do think you are not a competent parent though, and that's a huge, huge cause for concern. Your best intentions can be fantastic, and I do believe you have the best intentions, but when you talk about some of the things that have happened with marshall and some of the things you do or have done, little shrill bells go off in my head and i wish I lived closer so that I could help you and give that baby the kind of care he needs and deserves. Because honestly, you may have the best of intentions, but I am convinced you can't connect the dots a lot of the time. I mean, who even cares about the nail-biting thing. Fuck that. Whatever. but something like, say, using a baby whipe to clean a child's pacifier. Or pulling coins out of a baby's mouth? Coins? I'm just afraid that until someone points things out to you, you don't get how something is either dangerous or just bad for the baby, and therefore, you aren't really a competent carer for him. What's going to happen when he's four and he needs homemade dinners and lunches, and he needs to get to school all the time. What about when he's six and needs fresh clean clothes and gets picked on because he lives with his mother in either a roach-infested apartment or in a shelter with someone who comes in once or twice a week to help his mom care for him.
My point is, if you leave his dad and you choose to keep him, what's his quality of life going to look like with you? You can't just cuddle away and kiss away all of life's curveballs that parenthood will throw at you. You can't just go to other people and expect to get them paid to care for the both of you, or to assist you. A kid deserves security, and that entails a parent or parens who will care for him competently. Who can provide for him. Who can give him stability. If you honestly can provide that for him, then I'm sorry, I've missed my mark. But I have to admit, as much as I'd like to believe you can for your sake, all I see points to the idea that you can't.
You say you've been abandoned before and that you've lived practically as an orphan in your early childhood. That's tough. Taht sucks. That's something I would never wish on anyone, and certainly not on your son. You don't want to give marshall up because obviously you love him to bits and that's a given, but also because you wouldn't want to abandon him. Open adoption would signify that you wouldn't abandon him. You'd have access to him, with the agreement of the adoptive caretakers, and you'd be able to choose who they were. You'd get to keep track of Marshall, and meanwhile, he could live in a safe home where he is cared for with competence, live comfortably and securely, with people who truly do want kids or have planned for one and just can't have one for some reason.
The cons of an open adoption are that you'd be heartbroken, and that you'd have to do the hardest thing you've ever, ever done in your life. The pros would be, however, that as a mom, you'd ultimately be making the biggest sacrifice for your child in order to ensure that he's cared for and provided for adequately. You know, the mark of a good mother is that she does what needs to be done for her child's utmost welfare in spite of herself. If you did choose to allow an adoptive family to care for Marshall, you could go and get yourself on track for once and for all. You could buckle down and maybe get the training you needed. Maybe get a job. Maybe some more of an education? Put yourself back on your feet. Which would make it a win-win for the both of you: you and marshall. Because honestly, it's admirable that you want to improve upon yourself now, but it's not fair to Marshall if you are that much of a work in progress while raising him.
I know of a blind woman who had a seriously , seriously cruel and tough childhood with abusive addicts for parents. It fucked her up pretty badly. Her sense of mostly everything has been warped by her upbringing. And I'm not saying that's what you're doing to Marshall by the way--so just bare with me. This woman had a baby nearly a decade ago. She had him unplanned, she was completely unprepared for him. She tried caring for him and stayed with his father for a year though they did not mesh well at all. She realized that the relationship wasn't going to work out and furthermore, that she couldn't take her son with her if she left because she couldn't handle being a competent mother. So she did the most difficult thing she could have done: she agreed to leave the baby with his father and let him raise the child. Now that's not an option for you because marshall's father is an ass. This guy actually wanted his baby. Could she have taken the baby and left and struggled with him on her own? sure. If she had been selfish enough, she could have said to herself that she couldn't part with the child, that she needed to care for him and that, so he wouldn't have a decent childhood, too bad, so sad. But she recognized that in the care of someone else, in that instances the boy's father, he would have stability and competence, and half a shot at a more decent childhoood than hers was. She's in touch with the boy and sees him at least once a year. they still have a decent relationship--as decent as she could have one with him from far away. Does she feel pained by her choice sometimes? sure. But her kid is smart as a whip, well adjusted, and happy. And she's still pretty damn convinced that with her, he wouldn't be that way, and I happen to think she's probably right.
I used to not respect this woman for various reasons at one time. I have a shit ton of respect for her now, though, after I've gotten to know her and I've heard how she made a hard choice to ensure the best possible outcome for her kid, so that even if the situation was fucked up at first, it was turned into a pretty big positive. She's a great example of what it means to be a great parent. Because sometimes you have to recognize your own limitations and you need to scout on forward to do what's best for your kid even if it's not what you'd personally prefer. You asked for resources. I will post one that I personally believe in for you. I'm not saying give up your kid, trisha. But my oppinion, and not unkindly speaking either, is that maybe you should consider it for his own good. Maybe that's the best gift you could give him. And if you'd ever consider it, look at your entire picture, not just your own feelings on the matter, but whats best for him. And do so while he's still a baby, while he's still resilient and can bond with a new family, and can adjust.
http://www.openadopt.org/
http://adoption-for-my-baby.com/how-to/older-child-adoption/
Oh, and for the appologists who come here and offer up endless optimism and appologies in the name of support, those of you who are going to inevitably tear me to shreds for my boldness and maybe for what you perceive is judgment, go ahead and say your piece, but preferably shut your traps.
You're not helping by reinforcing the idea that no parent is perfect. You aren't helping by acting snide twoard parents like Loui and Kimi who obviously got their shit together enough to speak with confidence. You say it's condescension and you suggest that they'll get their cummupance when their kids have a choking accident or when they get hurt in any other way, whatever.
You can't deny that Loui, despite the fact she is a new mother, despite the fact that she does speak her mind, is a good, sound parent. Forget the books for the second, the lady has common sense. She can connect the dots whenever necessary. And she'll make her mistakes, but she'll try like hell not to , and her efforts will be enough. I'd trust her with my kid. I'd say the same about Kimi. She's a single parent, right? with a child older than my own. and she's not one to come on these boards to cause drama. She is genuinely alarmed.
As am I.
Leo, I'm curious. You're offering up appologies for lackluster parenting here... what would your wife say on the matter? What would her gut feeling be about a kid having taken a coin or a candy wrapper in their mouth on several separate occasions? Your wife is a woman and someone you've said has professional child development experience. Run the scenarios here by her and see if it doesn't ring some bells in her head here and there, as a mother and as a child advocate.
Wayne, the difference between a kid choking on food and one choking on a coin is that the food belongs in the kid's mouth. Both may be accidents, but one is very clearly due to neglegance. Not malicious neglegence, but neglegence none the less. And honestly, if a parent is cruel and malicious, that's one thing and it really , really sucks. If a parent is neglegent without being able to help it, without even realizing it, without being able to cope, that's a whole other beast, and it's almost as alarming. And also very sad to me, personally.
Greg, a kid is not a progress project. I agree with you that progress is good, but sufficient it is not. A kid shouldn't ever have to, nor can it wait around for a parent to get their shit together enough to progress to an acceptable level. Your sincere congratulatory efforts are only serving as enablers for someone who clearly can't cope with the responsibilities of motherhood.
That's the responsibility of another human being. Who will be impacted and affected by how he's raised and by whom. Let's hope it turns out for the best for him.
I'm not going to sit here and throw out judgy commetns for the sake of being snide and cruel. I won't give any more lectures about how some of things mentioned on this board are clearly bad for babies. I won't interfere nor report anyone nor state my thoughts any further unless I'm asked. Even though trisha probably hates me for having stated my true opinion, she's welcome to come and ask me for specific advice regarding her baby and I'll give it to her diplomatically and objectively. I hope she does if she needs to, because I'm genuinely concerned about her kid. I mean that. And I appreciate that any decision she chooses to make now is going to be a big and difficult one, most likely. I'm stressing that I didn't state my oppinion just for the sake of commenting; I genuinely said what I did because that's how I feel, and that's what I think would be the most win-win situation. Call me heartless, but I'm only saying what many are thinking and don't have the nerve to point out. I'll leave you all with that.
Ok I jus want to say that nobody had to teach me how to dress, feed, or bath a baby. Yes, someone did have to show me how to change a diaper but I can do all the necessary things for him and I seem to be the one who does the majority of it and I am a fast learner and it didn't take me that long to learn these things. . .So excuse me if I feel a little stressed from all of that and I am working on my daily skills and I am teaching myself some of these skills as far as cleaning but I still also have someone come in to help me by showing me better techniques so... I have no control of how often this person comes in. I also have a worker from homecare agencies that actually come in for a few hours of every day and do some of the cooking and shit for me, she is paid from the state but I'm still trying to learn for myself, it just gets stressful to have to do all the house stuff, cook, and take care of a child by myself for the greater part of the day so... Also, even though I can do all the basics for him and figure out strategies to cope later when he's older, I just know that I wouldn't want to be a single parent, it would just be too hard. That is why I would want to find some kind of assisted living so that I can have help and all. Even if I do get all my skills figured out, I just don't like living by myself for reasons I have already listed so again, that is why I like to find housing that I would have assistance for helping with childcare and such.
None of us ever want to face the prospect of single parenthood. Answer me this though: no scratch that. Answer yourself for your own benefit. what's marshall's quality of life going to be in an assisted care living set up with you? where's his relatively normal childhood going to fit into that equasion. There's no place that'll take you in long term, so you'll be shoved around from place to place if you take that route. How's that for his stability? Who does he say cares for him when he's off to school? Mrs. Smith, sometimes that lady with red hair who's new here, sometimes mommy? My point is this whole support thing should have been figured out ages ago. And assisted living won't suffice. Can't suffice, in terms of his quality of life as a child. You make it work if you think it's what you want but if one day, your poor kid gets ripped out of your arms by a heartless CPS worker because its apparent you're not really coping yet, by which point he'll be old enough to be confused and hurt by the prospect of being away from you perminantly, look back at this board so you can remember why. If you live in some sort of shelter, you won't have room to make even normal mistakes as a parent, let alone some of these connect the dots issues we've been seeing here. You'll be scrutinized unless you're very fortunate enough to find somewhere where you're not. If you truly are capable enough to care for Marshall, which by the way I'm still not convinced but will to help you however I can, then you need to find a way to be ok with single motherhood, and that entails living on your own. Or wiht a roommate who likes and can help you care for your kid. that's another option but I'm not sure it's open to you or not.
Also there's a reason it takes two parents to raise a kid since it took two to make one so my not feeling comfortable raising him as a single parent has nothing to do with my being incompetent so unless you guys can help me afford to move or find me a better place to live, then yall have no room to talk! I am not apologizing for my thoughts either. Bernedeta, pleas don't take this too personally since it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your last few posts.
so some of yall say I should put my kid up for adoption and tell me that I'm not fit to raise a kid? and yeah choking on coins and the like is bad I get. But last year I was living with a friend and his brother and the brother has a kid who is now two years old. Anyway, that house was always a mess, dishes were never done, the brother was a slob and there was constantly shit on the floor. I'm sure there was more than one or choking incidents with that kid. My friend's brother and the brother's girlfriend constantly drank and smoke, the girl got drunk and high even when she was taking care of the kid and yet they're still allowed to keep their kid though the mother now is in jail because she pulled a gun on her son, my friend, and her brother. Also she cooked food with the weed in it and gave it to her child so if there's a family that needed severe intervention from social services, it's not mine, they should've gotten that kid out of there. So you guys still want to say that I'm the worst incompetent parent ever and that I don't deserve to raise my son...
Oh and not to mention they have always been in an off and on relationship long before the kid and even in the relationship they cheated on each other and all that. Of course they're not together since she's in jail for a long time. Also that house always had leaks and it would be bad to the point where the leaks filled up buckets with water. Not to mention, they always had bugs over there because of how slobish the dude was.
i have only one last thing to say to this, i give up.
No, none of us are saying you are the worst parent ever. You are not the
worst parent ever. Parents have left their new born babies in dumpsters before.
That is clearly orders of magnitude worse than what you are doing. But having
someone else do something worse than you, does not make what you are doing
any better. Yes, other people's houses might be dirty. Yes, other people's
cooking might be worse. Yes, other people might be horrible human beings who
don't deserve to even be allowed to say the word child, let alone have one. But
none of that affects you in any way shape or form. You are not made a better
parent simply because someone else is a worse parent than you are. By that
logic you would be made a horrible parent by how good of parents Bernadetta,
Kimi, and Para are, sorry para, don't actually know your name; should fix that.
Here's the bigger problem with your last posts though. Its not that you're
wrong, its that you're constantly trying to put the blame on someone else. You
can't control how often the people come to teach you. You didn't have good
teachers. You can't see to pick up the wrappers and coins. Your boyfriend is a
jerk and doesn't do his work. Its stressful. Its hard. So on and so forth. This is
immaturity, and you're past the point at which you can be immature. You have a
baby depending on you. You have a baby who, every day, whether you are
stressed out, tired, exhausted, hung over, hungry, thirsty, can't see straight,
whatever, you have a baby who is depending on you. Every single morning,
afternoon, and night, that baby depends on you to get him food, clothing, water,
warmth, a roof over his head, and dozens of other things. And that baby is
going to depend on you for that for aproximately the next seventeen years and
three months. Every day, for seventeen years and three months. From now,
until you are 41 years old, that child is going to depend on you. You have to be
able to step up to the plate for him. So far, though you've gotten the basics
down, all this blaming others for your situation isn't going to help marshal out in
the slightest.
That's why people like Bernadetta and I are saying put your child up for
adoption. We're not saying you're beating your child, or starving him, or
hanging him from his ankles and playing pin the tail on the doneky with him.
We're simply saying you aren't ready yet. So let a couple who is ready take care
of him. One who will let you come and play with him, take care of him, babysit
him when he's older and you're ready. Then, go and get yourself ready. Get
training. Get a secure career. Get some savings. Get some cooking skills. Make
a home for yourself that is happy and cozy and clean and makes you feel good
about it. Then, maybe, maybe, if you find someone new who you want a family
with, you can have another child. You have time, but you have to think of what's
best for you, and what's best for Marshal. And right now, as I, and Kimi, and
Bernadetta have all told you, staying with you, at your present capacity, is not
good for any child.
The difference between the possibility of my baby choking at some undetermined date, and the instances where your baby has either choked or almost choked, is the simple fact that it is 99.999% likely that my daughter will not choke because she has gotten hold of a coin, a food wrapper or a bit of paper that she's picked up off the floor. A baby choking on her food is totally different from a baby that has been allowed to handle things they shouldn't.
because:
1. I don't leave her unattended on the floor
2. I clean the parts of the floor she has access to at least twice a day.
3. I keep anything that might be a choking hazard out of her reach
4. I have house rules for visitors
Most of the skills I have aquired I have actually learned through trial and error. Noone has taught me how to mop or vacuum a floor, but I still do both of these tasks extremely well. Yes some things I have required teaching for, either from my sighted husband or from our local association for the blind, but many things I have just learned by feeling my way around them.
Sometimes you just have to try something out and figure out what works for you. If there is noone to teach you a skill you want to learn, try it out yourself.
Think your way around the problem and think of solutions in your head and try them out one by one.
Not saying this is a good idea for infant care, but for housework, it's absolutely ok to experiment on ways to figure things out for yourself.
You have confused me some.
If you can't live as a single mother, and your man won't help, I suggest going home again.
You have said you don't get along with your parents well, but you get along enough, so they'll help you.
Benedetti is fair, I’ll give her this.
Your post after hers make me have to say, you’ll have to sit down and decide you’re going to be a single mother, and do what is required.
It can’t be seen as a stress, because stress will make you break.
If this situation is going to cause stress, you’ll be the same soon as your boyfriend, so will need to give up.
Assistant living isn’t available for women with children long term. If you need assistant living, you’ll be seen as a person requiring care, so won’t been deemed able to care for another person.
In your case, because you don’t won’t to live alone, assistant living means a mother, family, or another man that is able and willing to take care of two.
Even a roommate won’t last long.
So, you are at the cross road. Are you willing to be a grown woman and do what is required without stress and hardship, or are you still not ready at all?
If you know you’re not ready, I’ll agree you should find someone that is. There is no shame in that.
Next, I’d not have any more baby’s period.
Unless you know for sure you’re with a man that wants a child and wants you too, so will be both you and the new child caregiver, you just don’t need anymore.
This isn’t a blind woman’s thing, it is just some people aren’t able to do for themselves and kids too, so blindness doesn’t matter to me.
Maybe his family will be willing to help you. What about them? Being a family member that helped people was the reason my X and I had so many kids through our house all the time.
We did the foster parent licensing, because some required we have it even though they were family.
So I know worse situation as you’ve posted about, but these aren’t your situation.
The only one that matters is yours right now.
Progress, or give up, that is about it.
what really concerns me is that every time we try to give you examples of why you are an incompitant or neglectful parent, you try to come up with more examples of people who are doing worse than you.
Yes. we all freely admit that there are much worse parents out there. Does Martial have a mum who loves him. hell yes he does, and he is lucky.
But that still doesn't exclude you from the criticism that is genuine here. Bernardettta raised some seriously good points in her last few posts, none of which you have addressed satisfactorally.
Yes, it takes 2 people to make a baby. But it doesn't necessarily take 2 people to raise them. In fantastic families, yes, it does take 2, but in your case, you need to ask yourself is the situation here going to nurture or harm my child.
If you think the environment is bad for your child, then you should get him out of there. We aren't saints. We can't wave a magic wand and turn your partner into the world's best dad. If he failed to get his shit together 9 months after the baby is born, if he shows no real affection to his own child, it's a bloody good bet he isn't going to get his shit together any time soon.
Plenty of mums cope with being single parents. There are even some on this website who do it and do it well.
Do you honestly want your little boy to grow up in assisted living? How much do you think he will be bullied for that?
He might even get bullied for being the son of a blind mother anyway, but if you get your shit together and show that you're just as capable as a sighted one, then he has a great chance of not being bullied at all because he will respect you and all his friends and their parents will respect you too.
In assisted living they will just feel sorry and pity for you and the reports to social services about that poor child living with his blind mum in a care facility will just keep coming.
How do you think Martial will feel about inviting friends around if you live in that kind of situation?
Yes. i get that you think 2 people should raise a child. I agree with you. but when one of those people that make the child are not responsible enough to be a parent, then you need to cut your losses and move on.
what really concerns me is that every time we try to give you examples of why you are an incompitant or neglectful parent, you try to come up with more examples of people who are doing worse than you.
Yes. we all freely admit that there are much worse parents out there. Does Martial have a mum who loves him. hell yes he does, and he is lucky.
But that still doesn't exclude you from the criticism that is genuine here. Bernardettta raised some seriously good points in her last few posts, none of which you have addressed satisfactorally.
Yes, it takes 2 people to make a baby. But it doesn't necessarily take 2 people to raise them. In fantastic families, yes, it does take 2, but in your case, you need to ask yourself is the situation here going to nurture or harm my child.
If you think the environment is bad for your child, then you should get him out of there. We aren't saints. We can't wave a magic wand and turn your partner into the world's best dad. If he failed to get his shit together 9 months after the baby is born, if he shows no real affection to his own child, it's a bloody good bet he isn't going to get his shit together any time soon.
Plenty of mums cope with being single parents. There are even some on this website who do it and do it well.
Do you honestly want your little boy to grow up in assisted living? How much do you think he will be bullied for that?
He might even get bullied for being the son of a blind mother anyway, but if you get your shit together and show that you're just as capable as a sighted one, then he has a great chance of not being bullied at all because he will respect you and all his friends and their parents will respect you too.
In assisted living they will just feel sorry and pity for you and the reports to social services about that poor child living with his blind mum in a care facility will just keep coming.
How do you think Martial will feel about inviting friends around if you live in that kind of situation?
Yes. i get that you think 2 people should raise a child. I agree with you. but when one of those people that make the child are not responsible enough to be a parent, then you need to cut your losses and move on.
and I hate to say this, but I think your BF has grasped the situation a little bit better than you have right now. Neither of you are compitant to give martial the upbringing he deserves. Do I agree with what he wants? not wholeheartedly. I think, if adoption is the road, then open adoption is always the best for children, because they grow up with the truth.
But he seems to have understood that your little family unit is not coping, and are not likely to cope well any time soon in your situation. You can't raise a child in a 1 roome, bug infested flat. If it were india, you would be expected to, but this is not india, this is the western world where there are standards and procedures in place for the protection of children. There are expectations to be met, and you can't meet them in your present situation. Not emotionally and not physically.
I have to say that I was hoping that Bernadetta would reach the op with her honest to heart posts delivered with sensitivety care and love for a baby that she has invested interest from the start. I am deeply saddened that the posts made little to no impact judging by the op's last 2 posts. Please please don't speak of how much you love him, and show it through your actions by doing the right thing by your little baby. He needs that from you.
Giving up your baby through an open adoption does no way speak ill of your parenting abilities, on the contrary, it takes a strong, mature and a selfless parent to realize her baby's life would be better with someone who is ready to care for him, and give him the opportunities that you know deep down you can't. - Not because you don't want to, but rather you don't have the means or the skills to.
I onestly hope that you will give the situation and the suggestion of an open adoption serious thoughts.
The people who had coddled, make excuses and justifying your actions up to this point are thinking of your self-esteem and self worth first, and your baby's needs last. It should be the other way around. A true sense of selfworth could only obtained through doing good, before you get to feel good.
For those of you who had been massageing the op's ego up to this point to so call help her, please think about your purpose for doing so. This isn't about you. this isn't about your needing to prove how friendly, nonconfrontational and open minded you are being. This isn't about the op. It has everything to do with the baby!!!
Now I too, will leave this board topic and hope for the best.
Bernadetta has once again stated very well what I have been thinking all along. I just wasn't sure how to say it in such a way as to be constructive without being hurtful.
Wayne is right; there aren't assisted living places for single moms, none that I've ever heard of anyway, and certainly none for longterm placement.
The way your childhood and adoption was sounds like it was very painful for you so I can see why you're hesitant to repeat it with your son. I'm begging you though, please put his needs above your own need to make up for your own pain. Sentencing Marshall to a life of haphazard instability is not going to undo the pain you've suffered yourself. That's for you to work out.
I know several people who were adopted as children and the majority of them respect their birth parents more for making the most difficult sacrifice, allowing their child to be raised by people who can provide a better life. There's an old song and it sort of applies here, "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough."
Assuming you decide to keep your son, based on what I've seen you post, it honestly wouldn't surprise me in the least to hear that CPS has taken him from you at some point in the future. Once that happens, you don't get control over who cares for your son. At least with adoption, you get to pick the family who will care for your son.
You've got a shit ton of growing up to do before you're ready to parent a child. I know that sounds harsh but sadly, it's true. Being a parent isn't about doing what feels good. It's about doing what's best for your child. Sadly, I'm not even sure you grasp this yet.
And you know what else?
Saying all these things really does make me feel sad. Since you started posting for advice I have wanted nothing more than to see you succeed, I think it's the same for bernardetta. Yes I am honest, I don't beat around the bush and I don't accept excuses, but I have really wanted nothing more than to see this work out for you, because the best place for a child is always with the parents who love him and want him.
But Bernardetta is right. loving him just isn't enough.
I'm not sitting here cheering the fact that I am coping and you're not. I am not having a party to celebrate how great I am doing and laughing at your expense.
I am sitting here worrying about this poor little human being who needs love, yes, but who also needs boundaries, attentive and constant parenting, a loving and safe environment free from anxiety, clean clothes, food, experiences, and everything else that a baby needs to grow physically and emotionally.
Gently coddling you into slowly doing what you should be doing isn't going to help martial with his immediate needs, and to be honest, he is a little more important than you are right now.
Parents like myself, Bernardetta and Kimmy know that what we say might hurt your feelings, but right now your feelings are a lot less important than martials needs.
Bernadetta you asked, I'll answer: I merely overlooked the coin issue, I didn't pick up on that for some reason in all the posts on here.
I agree re; picking up the floors, and it's something I did as a parent.
The other thing is you mentioned open adoptions. This was not available when I was a kid in the early 70s but it is an option for parents now.
Trisha, the wait list is very long for parents. Meaning you would have your choice of parents to pick from. You'd probably conduct interviews of prospective parents, you're not abandoning the child into foster system by doing this. You're in control, you make the selection.
I don't know how, Bernadetta, but I totally missed the coins and wrappers issue. But I did, no rationalizing or anything else, I totally missed that amongst everything on these boards.
I still stand by the original comcept of judgments on parenting, you will too when it happens. I never said that Kimi or Loui will get any comeuppance, only that *I* have lived to see how the other half, my parents' generation, lived.
I do actually agree with quite a bit of what Kimi and Loui have been trying to tell you, even if people like Wayne and I are a bit less refined in our ways and means. Hell, I know people who thought it just plain mean and demeaning that I would put newspaper down under the daughter's high chair ... but it made cleanup ever so much easier.
But I agree with you all re: the wrappers and the coins.
Trisha, check out Bernadetta's websites. And regarding the coin / wrapper thing, I was apparently completely clueless on this board.
Leo, we use a shower curtan under Matilda's chair when she eats. It does make cleaning up easier and it's not really all that bad. I know loads of parents who do it. it's bowing to reality and only demeaning if you choose to see it that way.
I admit that to some extent my buttons got pushed in all the posts / back and forth. I freely admit that with no excuses.
But I urge new parents to consider something Domestic Goddess said: Parenting isn't about you or your needs. The original poster's issues here clearly state that. But it's also been said, since the early 90s at least, that far too many parents are more worried about their parenting than they are about the kid. That doesn't seem to make sense on the surface, but when you stop and think about it, it sure as hell does! And Trisha, you think people are mean on these boards? Parents in real life are more often than not very infantilized in their competition with one another to show who's the better parent. Whose kid goes to what school, how soon did they potty train, how soon did their kid sleep through the night dry. And these days I see it on my Facebook too with the younger ones, they're just every bit as bad as we were. Who co-sleeps. Who attachment-parents. It's never about the kid, it's about the ideology.
Not always. In recent months, someone posted on Facebook about putting their kid in Montesori education. That's one of those places where usually the elites go, and there are people who debate that one on both sides. However, this facebook poster did the right thing. Was commenting on how their kid was doing there. Not peddling the ideology. In other words, this person was talking about their kid, not asking for everyone to notice their good parenting. When kids get a little older, trust me on this one; they notice. They know the difference, and your teenager will be the very first to tell you that not everything is about how everyone sees you as a parent.
All that being said. There are gradients here. Clearly, child endangerment is a actual thing, leaving them in an environment where they can find and choke on things. It's hard, every parent struggles with this, blind or sighted. Turn your back once, and boom they found something. *Every* parent struggles with this, even and especially those who want the rest of us to think they're better than us.
There are no theories or books or any of that re: choking or leaving stuff on the floor. That's kind of a universal at least in the developed world.
It's probably true there are lots of things we don't know about on here, I imagine I'm no the only one who missed things on this topic. I have the honor to admit it, but I'm sure others have too. And there are things we simply don't know. But things get harder, not easier, as the kids get older. Some things get easier, sure, but they're replaced with a lot of new stuff.
And in the U.S., at least, there's a wait list for private adoptions. Not for you, but for the parents who want to adopt your son. The public system is a whole other issue.
I stand by all I've said.
Not because I'm ignorant, but I believe a child should remain with family.
If that mother is trying, and I mean trying and actually learning from her mistakes, she's worth helping.
Her issues aren't Michael, but relocating.
If she sticks with the helpers, training, and all, she'd make a find mother.
When she added the fact she's stressed, I understand it when you are living in stressful places, but her and her son shouldn'd be any more stressful, at least not now then me typing this note.
Later on when they grow up they can be, but that's different.
Nothing beats a trying person, and I mean really trying to do well.
I now have to wonder if she was taken out of the home she's in now, and put in one with just her, and son, and support, will the stress fade?
but she's even stated herself that she doesn't want to live on her own, that she doesn't think she can hack being a single mum.
From what people have said already there are 2 main issues with this:
1. No long-term assisted living for mothers and children
2. Assisted living is not the right environment for a child to grow up in.
I personally also don't think she can hack being a single mum. Not now. Not yet. I also think the time until she could do it is too far away for martial's wellfair to be entrusted to her while she learns.
I am a quick learner as I have said. already I can do some things as far as cleaning a lot better since my trainer has been helping. it took me only like 2 days to learn some of the cleaning techniques and do them well.
Ok, so, you tell partner that you have absolutely no wish to put up martial for adoption. He says that's it. end of relationship. what do you do then?
he hasn't said that yet but if he does, then i'd start asking his family if they'd be able to help because they have told me on numerous occasions that if I needed help, Marshall and I could live with them even if my bf and I were to break it off. if that didn't work, then I'm not sure what else because I don't see any other cheaper options even if I was and could get a place on my own.
Just want to stick my oar in on something here.
I refuse to be branded as someone who's not taking Marshall's needs seriously. By Bernadetta, by Kim, by Loui, by anyone. That is an unfair and inaccurate rendering and simplification of my opinion.
Frankly, I am interested in the welfare of both mother and child. A mentally downtrodden or unstable mother may be less able to filter, less able to judge wrong from right, less able to use her various problem-solving skills...less able, in short, to be an acceptable parent.
Remembering, of course, that I'm actually agreeing with a good deal of what people like Loui and Kim are saying, I've often been finding fault with 1. the sheer volume of criticism, particularly when it gets aimed at stuff that probably doesn't matter and 2. the tone of said criticism, which is dismissive at best and downright contemptuous at worst.
Put another way, there is often a good way and a bad way to frame things. People have gone all over the board here, but nearly all of my most vocal objections have been raised not because I'm trying to coddle Trisha, but because I'm trying to stop the shaming and judging and idiocy before it gets runaway-freight-train momentum and flattens her, directly or indirectly.
Some of you are so much about the baby that you've forgotten the effects your aggressive style and contempt might have on the mother...so much so that, in my opinion at least, you've even begun undermining your own statements about how you wish it were possible for her to succeed. When I see some of the sheer nastiness that's been present on this board laid next to that so-called wish that Trisha could succeed, my first and strongest thought is "Yeah? Sure have a great fucking way of showing that, don't you?"
All that being said, I actually appreciated your posts, Bernadetta. I may not agree with you a hundred percent, but that's only because I happen to think Trisha has come farther than you do. In my opinion, she hasn't yet hit that point where it is impossible or extremely unlikely to be able to provide an adequate system for her child to grow up in, going forward. I do think that invisible line is quite close, though; whatever happens, it is not going to be easy, and Trisha, you're apt to have to fight tooth and nail the whole way.
Below, I'm going to lay out a few more simple suggestions. If you take nothing else from my post, please read this. It will hopefully clarify my stance.
1. Stop, for heaven's sake stop using other people's bad parenting in your arguments. That family you mentioned should likely have had their kid taken away; no one will argue with that. But every time you do this, you look more immature and less logically sound. So stop it. Don't say "yeah but". Don't question yourself on it. Just stop it.
2. Get your head on straight about parenting. There are many many successful single parents out there; you've been having a discussion with several of them right here. It may take contributions from two people to actually make a baby, but one competent person can raise a child. Can you be that person? Most people are saying "not in a short enough time". I'm saying "frankly, I don't know, but maybe".
3. Please try and read what people are actually saying, instead of what your injured ego spits at you. When people criticize you, they may be harsher than they need to be, but they're usually not calling you an awful parent. Most people here would agree that there's much worse than you. But again, we've made this point before. Just because there's much worse doesn't mean you're good enough, by itself. Stop putting words in people's mouths that they didn't say and didn't mean. I'm trying very hard to get people to be even--handed. I'm protesting some of the harsher and more judgmental things that have been said. You repay me and those who have moderated their advice very poorly by acting childishly.
4. Most importantly here, I need to say that my stance has shifted a bit. You don't have tons of time until Marshall gets old enough to really and truly imprint on you, and you on him. You don't have tons of time until things start getting harder in ways I'm not sure you can deal with. And while I do care about your mental stability and your feelings, I care about Marshall's a bit more because he is less able to recover at this stage than you are. If you fall down on the job, so to speak, he suffers if he's there. If he wasn't there, then you would be free to become much more prepared in a space that wasn't so loaded with disaster.
So am I saying give your baby up for open adoption? The answer is "not yet". But you really do owe it to yourself to think hard about it, really think hard I mean, not just dismiss it and say you did. Ask yourself what Marshall actually deserves, and whether or not you can give it to him. Ask yourself if Marshall deserves the shitstorm he'll get if you end up giving yourself too much credit and being wrong.
You have a choice to make, and make soon, if you ask me. Either consider open adoption, or do every little thing in your power to better your and your child's circumstances. No blaming, no shirking, no doing it half-assed, no "yeah but" allowed. One way or another, if you want to truly do right by your child, progress to better his position must be made...and as soon as you possibly can.
Stance shifting with new information = thinking. I'd say I've gone through some of the same on here.
It hasn't shifted radically either. Just a little.
It may look like a radical shift, but that's only if you think I'm explaining away or excusing all the not-so-goood stuff that's gone on in Marshall's life. I am doing neither.
Only problem with your stance, gregg, is that time doesn't stand still for that baby. The earlier he would be rehomed, the less issues of abandonment or confusion he would experience. What about that aren't you understanding. Trisha has been a troubled mother since the first day she posted on these boards, hell, since the day marshall was born. that was nine months ago. That's so sweet and wonderful that you're looking out for mom's needs, but quite frankly, Marshall didn't lay down and make himself and he didnt' ask to be born. Someone else did. And this someone else, albeit she has good intentions, is dropping the ball. How much longer does that baby have to be denied a really stable positive home while his mom gets her shit together. Maybe this'll piss you off a little gregg, but here again, I'll say you don't get an a for effort in parenting. I advocate for the baby because no one in his closest circle is even willing to do that adequately for him. Trisha is a big girl. She made and had a baby. If she has to deal with the consequences of whatever her life may entail from now on, that's her cross to bear; it shouldn't be the baby's. You're a really fair and nice guy, gregg, but let me tell you something: your niceness in this case actually impairs the situation because you keep giving the impression that the baby's needs are not as urgent as they truly are. No, not to me, not even to yourself--but to Trisha. It's nice to believe in someone and to support them in their endeavors. That's an iffy stance to take when another, more vulnerable life is in question though. Feel free to dismiss me as a bitch and an insensative person for caring more about the baby's needs. I dont and won't appologize for it.
Especially not after the posts I've seen after the ones I took the time and the grief to write yesterday. In case you all don't know, it was really difficult for me to write my honest oppinion out on this topic yesterday; it took a lot out of me because I approached it from both sides as a mother. As a mother, I would definitely be hurt if someone told me to give my son up. But I'd also have this huge pile of evidence of why I don't have to and I shouldn't. And if someone went and actually hit me with some eye-opening points I'd sit down seriously, accept them, and then fight like hell, tooth and nail, to improve. I wouldn't waste time looking at other people's shitty parenting to prove that I'm not so bad after all. I wouldn't continue to make excuses for myself and inflate the statements made against me by others. I'd think I'm in serious deep shit and I'd make a point of at least considering the statements of others.
Then, you know, as a mother, I was ultimately compelled to push through with my posts because I firmly believe that the child's best interests aren't being met, and that someone has to say something to that effect, and no one was saying it. I'm not trying to be a martar or a hero or showing off what a good parent I am. I honestly have no idea--I try to be a good parent. I try to be a damn good parent, and at the end of each day, I sit down and I reflect on what I did right and what I could have done a lot better. And so no, honestly, my motivations stem from the concern over marshalls welfare at this point, and no one elses. Marshall didnt' make himself, and he can't defend himself. You keep on making excuses and try to smooth the waves of all these things that are being braught up on this thread, gregg. If that's what makes you feel better, feel free. I just would love to know, from your generous standpoint, what your timeline for this sort of thing would ideally be. Does marshall have to wait: three more months? two? three more years? How much longer does he get to wait in the wings while his mother stopps pointing fingers for long enough to actually figure out her shit, and maybe even put him before her own feelings for once. No one gave this baby a fighting chance from the beginning. Trisha had him because she wanted a baby... She didn't give much thought to have she was going to actually raise him, or what his welfare would look like--she didn't give much thought to how he would fair as a person. It's clear because if that weren't the case, we all wouldn't be talking about this. Her motivations stemmed from what she wanted--not what was best for that new little person. And sadly, angrily, upsettingly enough, I feel she'll continue to do that at the expense of this child's welfare.
And I think even you know this gregg: when you're a parent, it's no longer all about you--or even as much about you as the kid. All the good parents know that. Leo knows that; he moved to a place once upon a time where he would fair worse with transportation--all so his daughter could thrive in a better school system. Loui knows that--she's probably gone without sleep night after night for days, weeks at a time--because her small infant needs her. And though she may have been frustrated at times, she didn't let the frustration outweigh her duty as a parent. Some people just cope better. Some are more able to act as an adult should. Others just can't. Plain and simple. And honestly, if you can't be a true adult, you have no business raising a kid. So how long, gregg. I asked you that five months ago. How long before Marshall gets to have the privilage of having an adult parent advocate for him... How long. Five years perhaps? Now I'm being sarcastic. But you know what I'm saying, I trust you do.
Five months ago, things looked a lot worse for Marshall than they do now. I've given the situation a lot of thought since then.
I was probably too permissive about the whole thing five months ago. I'm ready to stand up and admit that.
But now? I'm just not sure, and that's largely because Trisha's parenting has improved, her initiative has improved, her actual skills are improving still, and Marshall appears to be healthy. This would suggest to me that even if she had him for questionable reasons and really started off on the wrong foot, she's getting away from that now.
Even still, I'm right with you on the irresponsibility thing, Bernadetta. Every time I see comments about how other parents are worse, or how so-and-so is fucking her over, I've got to shake my head. You can't cure that kind of bullheadedness overnight, and it's getting in the way.
I think the clear question right now is this: "Is Marshall getting an adequate quality of life, and if so, will he continue to get it for the foreseeable future from his current situation?" That's what I'm focused on. And regardless of the shortcomings I've seen clearly on display here, I think the answer to that question is a tentative yes. It could be better of course (can't it always?), but yes, I think he's got an adequate life at this point.
Don't bring up the roaches, the bad preparation, the choking hazards, the lack of living skills. The former three are in the past and no longer qualify in the present (the roaches aren't even directly anyone's fault), and the latter is being worked on. The fact that it should've been worked on before is only a problem if Marshall's not having his basic needs met, and it appears that he is indeed having those needs met.
That's why I keep boiling this down, Bernadetta, and probably about the only point where you and I truly disagree. The margin for error is slim. Adequate doesn't mean excellent. Any one thing falling out of true could upset the whole thing and cause marshall to be in danger. For you, those things are enough to say that open adoption may be her best bet. For me, they're enough to say it is a serious option and should not be dismissed purely because Trisha doesn't want to give her baby up. On one thing you said, I particularly agree with you: if you accept that you aren't someone's best option yet you won't do what's best for them, if you want to cling onto them, then you're being selfish. It's understandable in an emotional sense, but that doesn't make it right.
I'm not going to give you an answer on a time limit, either, because as I said, I personally feel, based on what I'm seeing here, that the situation Marshall's in has greatly improved, enough that, though shaky, it's not inadequate. And as such, while I do think a serious effort is due to improve his lot, I don't necessarily think it's open-adoption or bust. Now that I have seen that Trisha is improving, I want to see if it honestly keeps up. I want to see if the excuses continue, or if other means are sought in order to improve the family's well-being, whether or not that includes Marshall's father. If improvement continues, I think it would be safe to say the worst is over. If it plateaus, then I think it would be equally safe to say that quite obviously the impetus isn't in the right place.
Put a much simpler way, I'm very uncertain, but Marshall appears to be over that safety line, so to speak. If he keeps going up, so much the better. If he dips below it agai or simply continues on as he is, then I daresay change might be best for him.
The only so call idiocy I see here is someone wants to play the hero by continuously making excuses as to why the op has a shot at being a parent. I don't remember ever being so angry to a particular user on here for a stand. Would you sw, if you have a choice, choose to be raise by the op or would you in fact want to be raise by someone who is responsible by putting your needs, your safety, your healthcare, and your well being before that of her own selfish wants? No one has the right to subjugate an innocent helpless baby under such conditions as the op has done.
You gave up your card to try and grow up, wine about your circumstances, and playcade to victim mode the moment a baby is born...
Bernadetta is right in stressing over and over and over again that there is no such thing as time before a major step must be taken to ensure this baby has a fighting chance of having a stable environment. The quicker this is done, the easyer it is for a baby to bond with his new parents.
She, and you, because you falsely encourage her, is playing with another helpless human being's life.
Come back here swear, and argue the facts all you want, but at the end of the day, we all know what must be done for said baby.
Trisha, they're right. There's not assisted homes for disabled moms, though you seem to qualify for a caregiver. I know exhausting, and understand it. Because of my medical issues, I have days, where I can't do much at all. However, even my companion animal depends on me, and I do my best.
Look, it's not going to be perfect. If you can stay with the dad's family for a bit, till your child gets older, it might be a good idea.
You are able to get personal help. Not tons, but it will help. I watched a child for a bit, and the little guy wore me out. Frankly, it confirmed for me, I made a good choice not to be a mom. You may have to live with just you and your son, and have someone come in. I bet Marshal's grandparents, the dad's folks, would move mountains to help with transportation, when they can.
I did give some bad examples of parenting, and people are right. Don't give up, just because you aren't that cruel. Keep trying. There's things and ways to have that will help you. You can do this. It will not be easy.
I'm with anyone who's against adoption. The problem is, the system isn't perfect. That's why the mom giving her kid stuff with weed in it, was allowed to continue parenting. Don't think, they will let up on you, however. They pick the parents that try, and say: "She's a bad mom."
Then accept the terrible work other parents do, because the parents know how to hid the kids from Child Services. I knew the state wouldn't let me keep a child, and there's so many kids, that can't find a place in life, besides foster homes. And, adopting doesn't mean that the child is safe. If I told you what some adoptive parents got away with, you'd litterally puke!
Yeah, the bad parents are out there. You aren't one. You have room for improvement. Keep working at it, so you can keep Marshal. If the dad has no interest, ask for family help.
I knew a boy who was given back, by the adopted parents. I know of parents that adopt only to abuse. Anyone who gets a "good family," is nothing short of blessed.
And foster parents? Hah! Many are just in for the money. Your best bet is to work your rear off, to keep him. I do not appologize for my opinion of foster parents. I remember staying with a teacher who was a foster parent, and listening to her blind foster daughter shrieking, from Mrs. R beating the shit out of her. Some of the things I've heard reactions to, make me cringe that any sane person would consider suggesting adopting out. You have no clue, what that kid's going into. And open or not, parents hid things.
A lot of foster parents and adoptive parents sell the kids out for sex slaves. You think I exagerate, but it was brought to my attention by my church.
No, not all foster homes are that way, but they do exist. Some people are saying: "Take a chance!" I wouldn't.
I suspect one of the Autistic kids, a girl I lived with, spent too much time in the foster parents' room, as in bedroom. With, may I add, the male parent.
Best is to do your best, and try hard. Live near his grandparents, and get help in the house, for you, so you can care for him. I forgot who was adopted out here, and had a good place. Now times, you get parents that either love the kids, cool! Or, sell them or rent them out. It's even odds. Sorry. And, the government puts kids in places like that. Why? The parents don't get caught, and brown-nose better than I could. In my state, sometimes kids are trafficked out of the country. I'm not trying for drama. I'm just saying what happens. I've heard the news. I've met kids like that. I cannot even tell some stories, because I was told I couldn't, for safety reasons.
Listen, you got to keep trying, and that's true. You know you won't hurt Marshal, so do what it takes to keep him.
Blessings,
Sarah
Kim, it's not idiocy to have a differing opinion than mine. Your opinion isn't stupid. I don't fault you for it. In fact, I have absolutely no issue with the opinion itself.
But some people have a way of phrasing their opinions that comes across as contemptuous and downright condescending. You and Cody are the primary offenders here, although the pair of you also make many good points and are not always appearing to look down your nose.
I'm not protesting a differing viewpoint. I'm protesting how you put it across, because how you're putting it across is demonstrably causing needless antagonism sometimes.
Now, to address your point in specific:
1. Trying to ask me what I'd do, who I'd rather live with, is an absurd argument, because first, I've already said that Trisha's circumstances are shaky, and second, most children have sub-optimal parent and don't get to choose a god-damned thing. Sub-optimal, before you try and attack the term, means less than truly ideal. It doesn't mean god-awful and terrible.
2. If you'd said all this five months ago, you'd have been right. I was probably too idealistic five months ago. Since then, Trisha has picked up some slack and is trying to make the best of her situation without giving her baby up. Looks like she's succeeding more than she's not, too. And most parents have a learning curve. Hers was just a whole hell of a lot more desperate than it should've been.
3. You say that Trisha put her own selfish wants before the needs of her baby. When she had him, you're damn right she did. So do a hell of a lot of otherwise good parents. If you have proof that she is still doing this to Marshall's detriment, bring it out; else, it's a moot point. She did it once, in a really big way, and is now no longer doing it. Sounds like a fair handful of parents I've known in my day...people who selfishly wanted a kid, had one, then had to really scramble to make ends meet.
No, this is not an ideal situation, Kim, but it happens with no true ill effect to the children more often than you'd think.
And hey, let's be honest. I remember you saying that if you had it to do over again, you'd not have gotten pregnant. Guess what this means? It means that you did roll with the punches and got the best out of it, but you were *gasp!* not as prepared as you thought you'd be. You made a decision, then later admitted you would unmake it. This is awfully damning coming from a would-be champion of children who dares to swing the club the other way.
Truth be told? I think it's common for parents to want a child and to then be unprepared. I think scrambling, at least a little, is common as hell. The issue is the sheer amount of common sense that appeared to be lacking, and thus the sheer amount of scrambling Trisha had to do. And that's an issue. There's no getting around it. It's just an issue that I think she's starting to get a handle on.
4. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I refuse to be treated like an enabler of inappropriate behaviour. I am not coddling Trisha, or telling her that everything she does is right. In my way, I'm nearly as harsh as the rest of you. The main difference is that I don't feel a burning need to sneer at her various failings, nor a need to scream in anger. Sure I'm angry at what this baby has faced. Sure I'm upset that many of these things have happened. But what do I gain by howling like the you're doing? Absolutely nothing, except I get to blend into a bloodthirsty little croowd. No thanks. I'd rather attempt to do some good with the words I write, and spitting on someone verbally doesn't qualify.
As great as you think you are by being diplomatic and seeing the best in someone saint sw, not everyone wants or choose to be like you. Your self-restraint may work for you, but my anger for the baby's condition and the lack of wanting to face reality shown time and time again by the op, demands that harsher approach need to be taken.
I, in my turn, refuse that you think you know my entire situation base on one single statement. What a ...!
Even though the pregnancy was not plan, I was and thank goodness am still abel to care and meet her needs on most if not all levels. Before this little precious came into my world, I have lived in another city on my own then travel to Europe and studied and live abroad for 6 years. So darn straight, I knew how to cook, clean, go to school while holding down a job, pay rent so in short be a responsible person way before my daughter was born. I had set aside savings thinking that I would eventually buy a house the moment I got back to Canada, a year before my life was and is altered forever. Anyways, this saving coupled with teaching English to children in France had allowed me to stay home with my daughter. It is only this year that I decided to work fulltime but do to the nature of my work, she is only with a baby sitter for half an hour a day so I am still her primary caretaker. - A job which I take more seriously then you are capable of knowing. So before opening your big mouth, why don't you stop making an arse of yourself by assuming you know everything ok? No one can deny that she has my best care and interest at heart. I put her needs, her everything before myself. I am not saying all this to make myself look better, because I frankly couldn't give a tinker darn what you think. I am only illurstrating a point that regardless under what circumstances that brought the baby into the world, if you have life skills in your belt long before she/he arrived, you would be at a better position to meet your baby's needs. But when you don't have most of your ducks line up in a row, this is not the time to shift blames. How the hell do you move forward without accepting what you did wrong?
um....wow. sarah?
This is exactly why Kimmy, myself and Bernardetta are saying open adoption.
Open adoption allows her to have a say over her kids future, and even stay in contact, so if anything truely horrible happens to him she can stop it.
There are, among all the people wanting to adopt for the wrong reasons, people who want to adopt because they are unable to have children.
And open adoption allows the mother and father to find those people instead of people who may be less interested in a child's wellfair.
Please don't freak people out with either second hand stories or sensationalised crap from the fox news network and the university of 'that woman in the street told me'.
Kim, I have absolutely no doubt that you had enough common sense to roll with what life gave you. None at all. Even if your pregnancy wasn't precisely planned, you coped with it the best you knew how. But you, like most people, were not perfectly prepared. There were probably bits you had to learn, or brush up on, or there was stuff you were flat-out wrong about, particularly in the financial sense. I am saying nothing more or less than the fact that, from your own mouth, you admitted that given the choice to do over, you wouldn't make it. This means either 1. your daughter was a mistake - as this is typical behaviour when talking of mistakes, or 2. your daughter was not precisely a mistake, but there were factors you didn't know or didn't plan for which, had you known or planned for them, would've changed your behaviour. Unless you had that baby by immaculate conception, you did something to enable it to come into the world. Maybe you were being careful, using protection/birrth control. But ultimately, you made a choice, had a child and many years down the road said that if you could, you'd unmake that choice if given it to do over.
It's damning because you're standing in judgment over someone with lesser skills who was ultimately in the same position as you. They thought they were prepared, and they sure as fuck weren't. The main difference between you and Trisha, Kim, is just this: Trisha has a much, much bigger hill to climb, and fewer skills to climb it with.
So you can get angry all you like, but all I'm actually saying about you here is stuff you said about yourself. I'm simply highlighting that in some ways, based on what you're saying, it's making you a bit of a hypocrite.
With regard to the baby's future prospects and Trisha's skillset, you're not a hypocrite at all.
Regarding Trisha's unpreparedness on deciding to have a child? That's where I'm pointing out some weak logic on your part.
as I said before, most parents come to the task unprepared in some fashion. The mark of a good parent - and I bet you'd agree with this, by the way - is not necesssarily in how well-prepared you are before you start, but in how well you learn to adapt to the changes in your life due to your circumstances.
And no, this doesn't mean learning should start when the baby's born. It means that you'll get a better measure of a parent by how they treat their child, not how they talk about or think about or plan for their child. It is often said that most plans of engagement do not long survive first contact. I bet parenthood qualifies for this.
I said that I love my daughter and would give her any organ from me b=without a second thought or hesitation but if I had to do it again, I wouldn't because I don't think it's fair for her to have one parent. No matter how much I love her, no matter how I did and will sacrifise for her, it does not make up for her not having a dad. Nothing more and nothing less. After this g=though, I will not be answering any more personal questions or statements.
The means which you spoke of sw, does not magically fall from the sky. I ... you kno, actually have to go out and make them happen.
What the heck are you talking about regarding my lack of financial responsibility? Either learn to read again, or be more attentive when you read. I had, and stil do my best to have the financial end to care for her. I put off buying a house, and would do it again and again because it bought me 6 amazing years of being able to experience all her firsts, watch her grow, an just be with her.
All I'm going to say here, gregg, is, let's see what you have to say for your stance in five more months. Five months, plus five months, plus five months, plus five mont--you get my drift, don't you? If you were being permissive then, as I have insisted not that it matters, I continue to insist you are still being permissive. It doesn't affect you and you're merely a commentator in this case, so who cares if you're just doing your part not to stirr the shit, right? As long as it makes you feel good about your stance.
I'm a stupid woman though. I get emotionally invested in stories like this, and I genuinely give a shit about a certain little baby's well-being. You give a shit about minimizing the waves. How nice. :D
I still contend that you do come off as an enabler and that's the only reason I still take issue with your stance. If you've noticed, gregg, on this bored especially, I chose my words wisely. I didn't bash; instead I explained. I gave an alternative resource that no one else had the tits to bring up directly.
May your permissiveness actually help the op, gregg. For it sure won't really help marshall. Least not in the short term. I suggest if you're going to be helpful and you care so much about trisha's well-being, stop wasting all your time on smoothing over the waves made by those who are disturbed by the situation, and use your intelligence and your optimism to actually come up with some viable resources for her. That's the only positive way you can spin it, at this point. And I'm sorry you refuse to be labeled an enabler--I stick by that assessment--so I guess we can agree to disagree. You say should forget all of Trisha's initial shortcomings and lack of common sense, and the conditions she's subjected her infant to... Well, I would, if the damned issues weren't popping up persistently in one form or another. You know that rising pit that rockets from your stomach all the way to your throat when you read about or witness something really disturbing or alarming? Yeah, well, I keep geting that sensation once in a while in every few new revelations, reasonings, excuses, ideas, plans... She may have learned some--woohoo. But her reasoning and her finger-pointing and her helplessness in certain situations forces me to digress back through the whole scenario. And just because she's not telling you about issues with roaches, or whatever other hazzards her neighborhood and apartment has on hand, doesn't mean they don't exist. But you keep on waiting on that platteau. lol. Consistency is key, after all, even if it's in the form of denial and permissiveness. I think you're a very nice guy gregg. I genuinely think you're a very good person and I admire and respect you for some various points you've made in different situations... Just don't go into social work for new parents as a career, ok? Just a thought.
I won't either by the way. I can't stomach some of this shit and its upsetting me a great deal that a baby was born into such termoil and uncertainty... and unfortunately, you're right... there are plenty more cases like this and plenty more that are worse. I could never excuse or act permissive twoard a single one of them. I'm not a saintly parent. But I don't lack common sense and I put forethought into my actions as far as I can see them. And that's why I literally want to shake any parent who doesn't. Maybe the little things don't mean much individually--they certainly don't if they're a once in a while thing. But they mean a ton when they accumulate and keep cropping up. And that's why, in this case, as much as I'm sure it would make me a much nicer person, I can't join you in your rah--rah idealistic efforts. I will give objective advice when it is solicited. But I don't think I'll come back to this board any time soon because it's taking an emotional toll on me and I can't do anything about. it.
Oh and, can someone tell sarah--because she has me on ignore--to go inform herself about open adoptions before she continues on spewing random bullshit about something she knows next to nothing about? Thanks. I know plenty about it by the way--I considered that avenue before my son was born. Then I chose to get my shit together and decided it wasn't a viable option for me after all. But that's besides the point.
Oh and leo, putting newspaper under a kid's high chair to minimize mess is peanuts. If most parents did the kind of transgressions you talk of, we'd have to put social services out of their miserable jobs. lol. I used to put a smock on my sun--the kind you use when getting a hair cut--pretty much a giant bib--when I was first feeding him solids. It took the frustration out of the cleanup process, and besides he looked funny and cute as hell in that cape-bib thing. It was a hoot feeding him in it, and no it wasn't conventional. It was adaptation. I also have used a harness when out with my son on walks when he was still a toddler. Some judged me, but I had firm reasons as to why I used it, and I knew my reasons were valid so I frankly didn't give a fuck. We all get judged as parents. You're right that so many parents are more about the parenting than the kid. I tend to think that it all adds up and blends in--you can't not care about your parenting if you care about your kid, and you can't emphasize your parenting while putting the kid himself on the backburner. Neither yields good results. I put my kid first--that's always a priority. I care about how I raise him because it directly affects who he is and how he is. Maybe not as much as some parents swear, but at least to some degree. I agree with you though--parenting to compete with other parents is utter bullshit.
Bernadetta,
I've spoken to Trisha directly about her issues.
I've spoken out publicly against some of the shit that's happened, both now and in the past.
I've squashed excuse-making and backsliding where I see it.
I'm not a "ra-ra idealist", and the more you write the less I respect what you say on the subject. Your biases are clouding your judgment in a way which makes me think it's wise for you to back off. You think I'm too permissive. I think you're too judgmental of me, and people like me, who do not immediately damn Trisha for her actions (or inactions in some cases).
When I read that thing about Marshall choking on coins and paper and whatnot, I got precisely that nasty feeling in the pit of the stomach that you described. Ditto the roaches. Ditto the idea that, for awhile at least, it seemed like Trisha was maybe going to go along with letting Marshall get spanked, not to mention the notion that he can manipulate his parents at four and five months of age. That hurt in a very visceral way.
Contrary to what you seem to think, I am -not letting this woman off the hook. I'm just not being mean about it. And I have the temerity to speak up against people who are...not because they're wrong to be outraged, but because their way of dealing with that outrage is not productive in some cases and is downright harmful in others.
Kim,
If I misquoted or misunderstood you I apologize. I thought one of the reasons you wouldn't have had your daughter was because of the financial responsibility you weren't as aware of when it happened. When this came up in quicknotes, financial responsibility is what you started with, and then you made your statement. Thus, I may have attached the two where you did not mean an attachment to be present.
I never said you weren't financially responsible either. Please, if you're going to get upset or angry at what I say, read what I'm saying. Correct me if and where I'm dead wrong about a fact, that's fine. But at no point did I say you weren't financially responsible. in fact, I made a point of saying you must've coped very well, and since parenting requires some form of financial responsibility, it would stand to reason that you possessed said responsibility if you did it well.
As I said before, ultimately you had a child and there was a reason that you'd have undone it later. If this reason is because she doesn't have a dad, it's ultimately the same thing. I imagine you got pregnant by a man you intended to stay with at the time, and it didn't work? This happens to a lot of people. We can't always know. Shit happens.
On a much larger scale, the same thing happened to Trisha, only she was far less prepared than you, so the ripple effect was much bigger.
In that way, you two are similar. You were both new parents who ended up with a situation different than you expected. It matters only insofar as one argues that expectation when it comes to parenting is essential. The truth is, it's helpful, and you should prepare a bit, but the biggest thing you should plan for is to be surprised.
Just a general question, what's wrong with using newspapers to minimize messes when it comes to feeding? The Hadley courses suggested it also just saying.
There's nothing wrong with it. that's what we're saying. We braught it up because to some it might look funny. but there's that difference many of us speak of:
Somethings are judged for their strangeness, and if they aren't actually hurting baby or leading it to any danger, who gives a fuck. Some things are judged for their danger potential. And in that case, rightly so.
I actually like Loui's shower curtain idea though--I wish I would've thought of that because newspaper gets nasty and messy if it gets wet from solid food. Shower curtains don't, generally.
Yeah, I think my mom might've used newspaper under the high-chair when my brother and I were kids. We had a woodstove too, so sometimes the newspaper that wasn't tooo badly drenched just got used for kindling anyway.
Oh ok my bad for misreading that lol.
I'm not trying to bare bad news. But, you will never know what you send your child into, these days. So to just tell Trish to hand the child off, cause she's not up to your level of satisfactions, please? Spare me!
I know sighted parents in worse situations than Trisha, and nothing happens. She's trying, and you treat it like you just want to say what a failure she is. Tell me, Loui, that you never made a single mistake parenting? I mean, really! You got things pretty good. Nice dad, a help to you, at least. Well, it doesn't always work like it's supposed to.
I'm with Shepherd Wolf. The condecention you guys are all over with, is more than stupid.. I was a mistake, but that don't make me a failure.
I'm just aching with disgust at the "Oh! I'm so better than she is!" attitude, from people. I heard that before, how I was terrible, and a failure, just like you tell Trisha. But all the people saying those things are still drinking without caring to control their behavior. All the "cool" people I know, are lost without family support. Please, I bet everyone with the cruel attitudes thinks they are that much better. How many times, must this cenario repeat itself? It's old.
Blessings,
Sarah
Sarah you and I are older than these younger parents. So when we were younger adoptions were handled very differently. Now, these days, there is something called open adoption where the parent doesn't just have to hand off the baby to the state. The parents conduct interviews. The adopting parents have to pay a lot of money, many thousands of dollars, to go through the private adoption process. It's expensive enough, in fact, that it bars people from just doing it and not knowing what they're in for.
I know this first hand because my Wife for a time wanted to adopt a little girl from someone. I admit I wasn't sure I wanted another child, but what I did was go out and do the research, talk to an actual adoption lawyer. In our case, it prevented us, and I do believe based on what was goin on at the time, that was probably best for the daughter we have. I never met that other little girl, and I don't know the whole story. It was my deal at the time to look into how we would do this.
Private adoptions, or what they call open adoptions, are extremely and prohibitively expensive. If someone wants to get into such a thing, they have to really want it. That's precisely the message I brought home.
These rings you speak of would not happen under a private adoption system because it's just not advantageious.
Trisha I hope you're hearing this too. Should you decide to go that route, it won't be the state horror stories of kids bounced around in foster care.
I've advised someone else on these boards who was going through a similar decision making situation only before her baby was born.
Thank you Leo for speaking sense.
Open adoption may possibly be a good thinghowever , there are issues with it. The parents who would be interviewed could put up a good front for the sake of the interview and once they get the child, one could come to find out that they only wanted the child for money or they could be hiding a lot of things from the birth parents and they could still be abusive etc. With adoption of any sort people can lie and kids can get mistreated. Suppose also, the adopted parents get so attached to your child that in the open adoption they break all legal agreements or they are cruel enough that they don't want you to see your child? So in a open adoption kids could still get bounced around from home to home just saying. And te kid could end up in a far worse situation then the one they left, thus leaving the birth parents feeling guilty that they put their kid in that situation but I understand it could go both ways.
Open adoption is pursued by rich people who actually invest time, money and emotions into bringing a new child into their family. What part of that doesn't anyone understand. Kids can't get bounced around from home to home during an open adoption; the adoptive parent does have the legal right to keep and care for the child. You as the birth parent forfeit your parental rights to the child, so there's no way you could have the child bounce from house to house. Children from open adoptions do not end up in the foster care system simply because the adoptive parents can't afford to go under such scrutiny. Sure, there's always a chance that adoptive parents can be nightmarish or whatever, but the chance of that is comparable to the chance of getting into a car crash each time you get transported in a vehicle. Tell me, do you avoid cars and busses because you could possibly get into an accident someday? Or do you get into a car hoping for the best, trusting that the numerous safety procedures put in place by various car manufacturers, coupled with the responsibility of your driver, will ensure your safety.
Its your decision: do you keep your kid with you despite your meager resources and skill set, which almost guarantees a difficult childhood for him at best, a potentially dangerous one at the very wrse. Or do you look into the option of entrusting the care and welfare of your son to a family who actually did truly plan for a child, so much so that they invested a specific amount of money into the process of adoption.
My point is that I understand your reservations, but I wouldn't base my decision if I were you, solely on the idea that there *may* be an issue with a set of adoptive parents.
Similarly, all birth parents come in all shapes and sizes. Some are totally unprepared, some are more prepared than others, some are so prepared that they've had a nursery set up for their future child way before its even conceived. This apparently doesn't stop people from procreating though, does it.
Make no mistake though, adoptive parents do get attached to the children they take in. They should and they have to. Its a heartbreaking idea for a birth mom, maybe, but your goal is ultimately for the potential adoptive parents to get so attached to the child that they treat him entirely as their own. it's the only way an adoption is ever successful.
You negotiate the rules of an open adoption prior to consenting to it; each set of adoptive parents will require different rules, and the birth mother may require a set of rules of her own. Like in any deal, a compromise has to be met in order for the deal to go through. Then its put into writing and both sides have to honor that.
But you need to understand something else though: once a person gives their kid up for adoption, they forfeit the right to raise the kid, as I said before. So you as the birth mother don't get a say in how the kid is raised, unless you happen upon a very generous set of tentative adoptive parents. I would advise against great expectations of co-parenthood with any set of adoptive parents though, because understandably so, most people would feel invaded upon if a birth parent kept insisting on how they should do this, how that should be handled. An open adoption means that the birth parent has some form of contact with the adoptive parents or the child, and that he or she knows about the child's family or wherabouts. It doesn't mean that the birth parent shares custody or makes decisions alongside the adoptive parents. It's still an adoption, just much safer, much more generous to the birth mother than a traditional public or closed adoption. You can't come back for your kid whenever you feel like it, for instance, and so no, there's little to no chance that the child would be bounced around from home to home.
I could see how it work for both natural and adopted parents benefit.
We just always believed in keeping kids in the family, so as I've posted, took in several for short and long term times.
I still believe in this, so say try all your family first if you decide you can't handle it, or find it is simply the best option.
We never adopted the family, just have a verbal agreement.
As to the news paper and such under the high chair, I never cared enough about the cleanup.
My spouse doesn't care about it either. She keeps babies even now.
We'd just mop the floor.
It had to be cleaned anyway often because of foot traffic when we had crawling ones, so I guess we never thought about it at all.
I'll have to ask her has she thought about something to keep the messes at bay.
My step brother and his wife adopted a baby a couple of years ago. The process took a couple of years and cost about $62,000. Not only did he and his wife get interviewed but also many family and friends. Extensive home studies and background checks were done. That is one spoiled little boy, let me assure you. I don't know whether his is a closed or open adoption.
Ok, Trisha, it sounds as if you're planning on trying to keep your son. Let's assume for a second that your boyfriend decides to split because he doesn't want to be a father. I only know what you've posted about him so that's what I'm basing this on. Despite the fact that it does indeed take two people to make a baby, you won't be the first woman in the world to discover that more often than not, the care and raising of said baby is left up to one person so let's get past what should be and deal with what is.
What resources do you currently have if your son's dad took off tomorrow? What are your immediate needs? What can you take care of on your own and what things will you need help with? Take a good hard honest look at these. Only state things that are, not how you want them to be.
Let's start by making some concrete lists. Let's get all the cards out on the table so you can realistically start preparing for the future. You're going to need to come up with a plan for your son's immediate needs, short-term needs, and long-term needs.
I've got to go for now so can't finish my thought process but start with some of this stuff. Let's all quit the back-and-forth about who's right or wrong and all that and try to do what little good we can as a cyber community in this situation.
So, those lists? Let's see them.
Domestic, you see it like I see it.
Instead of bashing her, help her?
Yep. Not do too much, but help to look at her whole card.
What happens if the father leaves? I've learned to be prepared for all options, and agree with the advice here. Time to be serious, if we want to advise and help. Look at what you have, and then, look at what's needed. You can do this. You can't pretend the intelligence you have!
Hugs and Blessings,
Sarah
I'm sick and tired of enablers like Greg--yes, you are one, like it or not--providing more excuses for Trisha to have under her sleeve. On this and other topics Trisha has posted, she has done nothing but prove her immaturity and lack of skills--both as it relates to being a parent and as it relates to caring for a life that she laid down and created. News flash: you don't need to be a parent to recognize and admit the fact that is still what is happening here.
Trisha, clearly, people like myself and others do care about your baby's circumstances. That is something else that you don't need to be a parent to do--I am not one, but that doesn't disqualify me from having a heart and being able to empathize with a person's situation. Because as many have said, it is not about you, not even just a little. It is about being able to provide the best possible life that you can for your baby. No ifs, ands or buts. Anyone with sense would tell you that, even Marshall's family.
Trisha, as I continue to read through this board, I get the impression that you are possibly being torn in two different directions. On one hand, there is your relationship with your partner who does not appear to be good for you oare your baby based on what you have said about him on this board. Then there is your relationship with your baby who is depending on you to care for his emotional and physical needs. Perhaps I am wrong, but it sounds to me like the source of most of your conflict may be coming from a need to decide between your relationship with your partner and your relationship with your baby.
I do not think the stress that you are under as the result of being in what appears to be a bad relationship, or arguing with your partner all the time is good for your baby. If you are truly set on keeping your baby, then I believe you can find a way to do it. However, I do not see how your relationship with your partner is good for your baby, so I believe it will be rather difficult for you to provide your baby with the support and care that he needs while remaining in your current relationship.
In one of your posts, you state that your partner's parents would be willing to take you in if the relationship between you and your partner does not work out. if this offer is still available, and you feel as though they could give you the positive support that you need, it might be worth considering moving in with them for a short period of time to get some space between you and your partner so you can make the best decisions for you, your baby, and your relationship.
Based on my own personal experience, I do not think I could ever choose a bad relationship over the decision to keep my own child. Even if you give up your baby, there is no guarantee that your relationship with your partner will work out. Just something to think about if you are in a place where you have to choose between your relationship with your partner and your relationship with your baby.
Sarah, with the amount of money that private open adoption costs, you can bet that it's going to be a lot harder to find abusive parents like the kind you are describing. The kinds of people who have money and who are desperate to adopt a child because they are unable to have their own or because theirs are all grown up and they feel they have more love to give are the kinds of people who will fork out money to dodge waiting lists and so on to have the chance at being chosen by a mum like Trisha, who wants the best possible outcome for her child and is prepared to invest some effort into finding the right kind of caregivers.
People who are just doing it to have the money, or for a kid to abuse can get one a lot faster if they apply to be foster carers.
CrazyCat hits the nail on the head here. Which is probably testament for the need for more voices than just a few to speak up on this. CrazyCat I agree with you.
The idea of sacrificing a child to a relationship, or an ideology, or anything else is indeed reprehensible.
Crazy Cat has a point.
Ultimately the number of voices matter very little. The op's voice is the only one that could alter her son
s life.
Honestly, that's why I haven't posted nearly as much as I otherwise might have in this thread. It's a bit like banging one's head against a wall.
Admittedly, I never got the impression that Trisha was trying to choose between her son and her relationship... I'd be willing to give her that much credit. But if what CrazyKat speculates has even a hint of truth to it... well, that just proves my point altogether... Shaking my head.
But yeah, like others have said, if you're really hell-bent on keeping the little guy, prove it by preparing a list of priorities--not for the people on this sight but for yourself even, and then take it from there. I can't say I have any ideas beyond what I already suggested, so I'll let others with maybe more optimism than myself step in and help if you're choosing your original route.
Wayne, I'd agree with you, actually, that the best place for a kid is to be with family... Under many circumstances. But you have to have a family you get along with at least to some degree for there to be a possibility of an informal agreement where the family member keeps the child and you allow that child to be raised by them. Haven't you noticed that trisha doesn't get along with nor is especially close to any of the family she has at her disposal? I'd also caution that, if you and the family member who agrees to take your child in don't see eye to eye, an informal arrangement can become a bit muddled and troublesome for one or both parties, and ultimately, the person most affected by any trouble that may arise from that is the child.
I'm not talking out of my ass; my mother is that person in our family who has taken a couple siblings in without formalities. and for the most part, everything was ok until her brother decided that she wasn't raising them according to his liking, yet he couldn't do the job himself since he had substance issues and couldn't hold down a job.
All I'm saying is that sometimes, the parents can get resentful or bitter for one reason or another, and inadvertently they try to overturn everything which ends up making chaos for the kid or kids in question. Sometimes, if you're not especially close or fond of the family who is willing to help with your kid, you might be better off writing up a more formal agreement, maybe even court mandated, so that should any disagreements arise, all parties know their roles and boundaries alike. Just a thought.
I would like to just clarify something. What I had said was: that I wouldn't consider going back home an option because I don't have a good relationship with my parents so yes, it is true that I don't get along with my family. Now, on the other hand, I do get along with my bf's family for the most part since I have previously said that I talk to them when I'm having issues getting through to my bf but I don't talk to my family about any of my relationship issues or parenting problems anymore. So, if I absolutely felt 100% sure that I couldn't take care of Marshall or even meet his basic needs, I would see if I could live with my bf's family with my son since they even suggested it if things were to get tough and if I needed a place to go.
Trisha, what exactly is the real problem here? If your current situation is bad enough for you to vent to strangers about how you are stuck and need help, and if going to the house of your partner's parents is an option to help you get out of your current situation, then why exactly have you not used this option to help make your current situation any better? I honestly do not understand.
I have absolutely no desire to attack you, or question your ability to care for your baby. However, if your situation is so dire as you claim it to be, what exactly have you done to make your situation any better? I understand this board topic is filled with a lot of criticism regarding your ability to be a good parent. However, there are a few posts that actually provided some practical suggestions on how you could go about improving your situation. Have you actually done anything that anyone has suggested on this board?
But honestly, what exactly is the real issue here? Are you afraid of being a single mother simply because it means that you were not able to make the relationship with your partner work out, or create the ideal happy family that you have always wanted? Is the stress you feel really coming from struggling as a new parent, or does it have more to do with the status of the relationship with your partner?
If I recall correctly, I believe your first post talks about how your partner does not love his son, or does not care enough about his son to want to keep him as his son. Now what exactly does that say about your partner? Is this the type of person you would want to be the father to your son? Or think of it this way, is your partner the type of person you would want to have as your father? If the answers to these questions are no, then you need to take the steps necessary to leave your relationship because your relationship with your partner will most likely will not get any better.
I completely understand you are scared to be a single mother. And I know exactly what it is like to feel as though the whole world is somehow against you. However, I also believe you are a courageous young woman who appears to be willing to do whatever it takes to care for her baby. And if your relationship with your partner is really not all that great, I believe you are strong enough to leave the relationship and make it on your own without him.
Yeah, but she mentioned that she doesn't want to be alone. So, it's almost like she likes what she's going through, and as far as giving her practical advice, screw it! She's stubborn and is going to do what she wants, which is what got her in this shitty situation in the first place.
It's honestly sad because a lot of people has given some really good suggestions, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Ah well...
No, you can't help someone that won't take the suggestions and put them in to practice.
It just isn't possible.
So, now if you will answer the question.
What is keeping you home if not your boyfriend?
Yes I don't want to be alone and I am working on my skills, I have someone coming in once a week to help me it's someone who works with rehab services, not my counselorherself. As I already said, I can clean a lot better from what she's taught me already. and you can't really get a good apartment at least not one that keeps cps from coming back over and over again for a kid and his mother with one measley SSI check specially when rent is so expensive. I've called lots of places in edition to the section 8 that I've applied for both in my home state and in the current state where I currently live and I got denied both because of no credit score and the other one had a waiting lit that was full. that was the case with other places I called also and I had called at least 5 or ten different places and they were similar things. Besides, did you guys not say that assisted living places would not exactly take in a child or whatever if I need as much help as yall claim and if I'm beyond the ability to improve as a handful of yall clearly stated? Ican't remember the stuff word for word, I'd have go back and read but that's not the point. That being said, I'm not including the people who have been encouraging so so those of all, don't get the wrong impression.
by the way, I forgot to mention that SSI is the only source of income I get right now since finding a job isn't that easy especially when I've heard a lot of workers are getting laid off with the factory type of jobs because there's no work available for them. I've heard of two cases of this pretty recently as recent as yesterday.
Trisha, I understand you do not want to be a single mother. However, as a mother, it is your job to do what is in the best interest of your baby, and sometimes what might be best for your baby may not always be what you want to do. In my opinion, allowing your child to grow up in the context of a bad relationship is probably just as bad if not worse than bad parenting skills.
Okay, so you are living in poverty, so what, there are probably more children growing up in poverty than you realize. When was the last time you called any of the low-income housing places? Are you on any of their waiting lists? have you applied for food stamps? Have you applied for the Women Infant and Children program?
Honestly, if all you are doing right now is posting on this board with nothing but excuses as to why you cannot change your situation, then I do not have the time or the energy to help you.
Unlike a lot of people who have posted on this board, I believe you can be a successful single mother who is capable of caring for yourself as well as for your baby. However, if this is something you really want, then you need to be the one willing to put in the hard work to make it happen.
If you are willing to put in the hard work to be a successful single mom, then I would say keeping your baby would be the best option for you. However, if the only two real choices are to allow the baby to grow up in the context of a bad relationship or be put up for adoption by a kind loving couple who can provide a stable home for your baby, I believe adoption would be the best decision between these two choices.
Trisha, what does your credit score have to do with applying for Section 8? They want to know what income, or lack of it, you have, that's all. Have you actually applied, or are you not doing so, based on some faulty information you got second hand, from someone else? this doesn't make any sense?
Get your butt over to the office and fill out the papers. You have a child; they will give you a place.
I have no idea about what the credit score had to do with it, I got the application and the response all in paper in the mail so it doesn't make much of a difference if I do it online verses going getting the app in the mail, or doing it in person.. also I called all those places in September of 2015 and April of that same year so before and after he was born and the response was the same. I told them I was going to have a kid so it's whatever. and I am signed up for food stamps and WIC.
CrazyCat is on to some stuff here. The boyfriend will never be a father, I think.
Trisha, I was probably in my late 20s when some people in my life thought that I, a young father, should "help" (in quotes) this guy be the father he should be to his son. I'm not a teacher, I'm not a mentoring kind of a guy, but I will say that I did try. I also failed miserably. Not "oopsied," not "we all struggle," I mean failed. I do mean catastrophically. He never acknowledged the boy as his son. Fortunately the boy was given up for adoption. It took me fifteen years to finally realize the fault was not mine, but I was merely trying the human equivalent of teaching a horse to do algebra.
My real knock-on-the-head lesson? We were at his house, after the baby had been sent out for adoption. I found a pacifier, a "binky", if you willk. Just ran into it with my hand by mistake. Now I'm sitting there thinking all sorts of thoughts like "If I ran into this in my house after my own daughter died or was taken away, this would tear me up."
I told him about the pacifier just so he'd be aware it was there. His only response was, "oh yeah, we can just ditch that." Sounds like a silly example, yes. But there is a great gulf between those of us who are fathers and those who are not. Don't ask me how it all works, to be honest I don't actually know. You can't "teach men to care about their kids," or "teach men not to rape," or any other modern religious platitude. I actually don't understand the difference, or what makes a man like him what he is or a man like me what I am.
I didn't wake up and decide to be what I am. And I'm guessing the same is true of the guy I'm talking about, or your boyfriend.
Now, that's got to be a hard pill to swallow. But a father doesn't second-guess his love for his child. Second-guess his activities? Hell yes, all the time. And every household is different. One reason I currently eschew all religions and ideologies combined. The only way someone could prove to you the situation isn't hopeless with this guy? Explain how it is we are what we are, dads like Wayne and I and others, and why your bf and others like him are as they are. And how one could convert those from one way to the other.
That's actually how persuasion works; you actually understand how the other side thinks, and can see a way to change the view from one way to another. I don't see it in this context. And neither do people who demonize all fathers; they can't see anything but the abducating ones. They clearly have no clue what's going on any more than the rest of us, even though they make up the majority of the media, academia and religions.
Credit score doesn't matter as to section 8, but it does as to the place you rent.
She's not old enough for this to be a major problem, unless they've just been seriously mis using people to get things and not paying for them.
Sort of like fancy stealing.
However, section 8 and low income places can be gotten.
The child makes many things happen and doors open.
You have SSI and you have support for Michael. You'll not be losing much, because you drop a person.
However, you have that family, right? You said they'd take you and the boy in, right?
All that other stuff doesn't matter, and can be worked on while you are staying with the family.
Wayne, just curious, who is Michael? lol
The apartments ask you. No matter if you have section8 or not. I find it's not fair, but, it just is. Even local housing asks kinds of questions that make no sense. I'm stuck paying over 2 thirds of my check for rent. The lists are long. At least, she's trying and applying for help.
Actually, Trisha has not said whether she has applied for help. She has said why they would, or have turned her down though...and Section 8 wouldn't turn you down based on the fact you have a kid. Now, a single woman like me who will never pop out any kids? I get turned down in a heartbeat based on that fact. And guess what? I still survive. So, what I'm saying is, you can too, Trisha. It isn't as tough as it seems.
Hey guys I have some good news and I don't care what you haters have to say but I'm a little happier now. I had a heart to heart with Marshall's father tonight and it turns out that he does in fact love both me and Marshall! He finally told me in words when I asked him. I am just so glad to hear that from him. I believe things will start to be looking up since I'm getting a better grip on my living skills and all!
now that he has said it, let's see if he can walk the walk. it's one thing to say, 'I love you," or, "I love my child," but actually putting in effort and showing it is quite another completely. For some people, saying is much, much easier than backing up their statements with effort and action to demonstrate what they mean. Glad you finally were able to communicate with him. Still slightly distrustful, but not without hope that you guys can get through this rocky patch. Keep us posted.
Trisha, my heart goes out to you. I went back to reread some of your past board topics to see if there was anything in them that would help me to understand your situation better.
It seems to me that you have been having problems with your partner for quite some time now. I am sorry to hear that you have been having such a difficult time with your relationship with your partner. However, simply because a relationship fails, it does not necessarily mean that you are a failure too. I believe you deserve a lot better than your current partner, and I am sorry to hear you have made the decision to work things out with him. I am rather doubtful that your relationship with your partner will work out for you in the long run.
I am glad to hear that your partner told you the words that you have been wanting to hear. But what exactly do his actions say? In this board topic you have stated that your partner is emotionally distant towards you and argues with you all the time. How is growing up in this type of environment in the best interest of your baby? Your baby will either be treated in the same manner as you, or he will grow up thinking it is okay to treat other people, especially women, in the same poor manner as your partner treats you.
I gave you the benefit of the doubt when you said you were looking for help for your situation by providing you with practical ideas that would help improve your situation. However, I have not heard what you have done to improve your situation since creating this board topic. Therefore, I am not quite sure why you created this board topic when it appears as though you are not willing to take any of the practical advice that anyone has given you. I cannot help but wonder if you are nothing more than a drama queen who is looking for some attention. Based on the responses I have seen you post to people who have provided you with practical advice, it would appear as though you are not interested in changing your situation.
At least she was able to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him about this serious problem. Only time will tell if he actually means what he says.
If nothing else, this respite from the drama will give you a chance to work on becoming more self-sufficient. It's hard to give advice not really knowing either of you but I hope that things work out for the best for you and your son.
Yeah...at this point I'm kinda in the same boat as the last few users.
I'm not so much convinced you're being dramatic for its own sake, but for me at least, the jury's out. Your partner saying what he's said really doesn't solve your problems, and I think they run pretty deep based on what you've been saying in this and other board topics.
Good luck, whatever you do. You're going to need it.
Yeah, I'm not 100% sure about this. I feel so sorry that you feel that you need him to make your life complete, when he's holding you back more than anything. Anyways, good luck in the months to come, and if you're not going to be serious about bettering your life, maybe you should not post on the boards. It's just a waste of people's time.
Also, it's great that people are helping you clean and whatever, but nothing you are doing is for the future, and that's troublesome...
Since they are working with me and showing me techniques, that will actually help me in the long run because I will finally have those skills in place for life.
Yeah...the impression I had is that they're both doing the job and helping her learn to do the job, thus enabling her to better do it in future.
Give a man a fish, vs. teach a man to fish, and all that.
I've known many successful single moms. Please don't stay with your partner just because of a few simple words. Words have meaning, but they aren't everything. I guess the best short-term advice I can give you about your partner is this:
Watch and wait, but not very long. See if his behaviour changes, if he becomes more attentive, if he puts truth to his statement that he loves you and Marshall. If he just says that and then doesn't do anything, you're in the same boat, except now you know you're dealing with someone who will say what you want to hear in order to please you. That's not good.
Lakeria, I hesitate to support the point you mmade about wasting people's time. What wastes your time, or doesn't, is if you, the reader, decides to read and/or respond. That is a choice you make, as a reader/responder.
That said though, it is a little dismaying to think you got all this feedback, Trisha, and now may not do much with it. Whether you do or don't, I have no idea yet. That remains to be seen.
Michael is Marshall's . I'd forgotten his name so was going on my falty memory.
Note, I normally called Marshall's no name at all.
Ah, the words.
Maybe he logged on, read this board, and learned his warm body was being wised up? Smile.
I'll have to again agree with Crazy Cat.
At this point, I'll just read your post, but not respond.
I suspect you'll be back.
Good luck always. It is what I'd wish no matter my opinions.
Trisha, abusers, and I count your partner as emotionally abusive, go through this kind of pattern with their partners.
After a particularly rocky period of emotional abuse they promise the world and say whatever it is you want to here, but when it comes to action, nothing happens.
Fine. give him the chance he deserves, but if it turns out just as it has done so far, I urge you to take action for yourself and your child and get yourselves out of that situation. It's toxic for you, and it's toxic for martial.
Perestroika's on to something, Trisha.
Men since the 70s have been told how absolutely important it is that they tell
the woman they love "I love you." Even as a young boy he will be taught and
told this over and over.
But did you know there are cultures where couples never say this? Because
their actions are the indicator. And in these cultures, the women are not
"oppressed," or "wishing he would just say he loves me." That is a Western
monied phenomenon.
I, like Perestroika, have real doubts that your partner really loves you, but
here's how he would convince me he did.
Speaking as your partner here:
If he's sorry for what he's done, one big indicator is making reparations. He
would be asking you how best he can help in this situation, how he can earn
your trust back. He'd be doing things without being asked, and start picking up
the slack.
I know this, because I've been wrong before. We all have, regardless of gender
or lack thereof. And when most of us find out we've been wrong, we make
actual steps to rectify the circumstance. Not all things can be fixed, of course,
but at the very least there's an attitude towards making amends. That's not
saying "sorry" only. "Sorry" is just the beginning.
Leo is a wise man in this regard. It's all about walking the walk rather than talking the talk.
I totally agree with the last several posts on here. This is why I always tried addressing the problems with the relationship with the partner over caring for the baby. I suspect she had the baby as a means to hold onto her relationship with her partner. now that it is not working out the way she thought it would, she is at a loss for what to do. Given the fact that there are a couple of board topics about her relationship with her partner, I would say that things between her and her partner are not going to get any better. But Trisha needs to be the one to realize this for herself before things will get any better.
You folks are right. I've seen those that really love and they don't have to "try". They find it very normal, to do loving things. Not sex in public, or anything stupid, but just showing respect, and helping each other.
Blessings,
Sarah
As an example of what Leo is saying, my husband almost never tells me he loves me, but he doesn't ever have to. He doesn't tell Matilda either, but again, he doesn't have to.
The only time he really ever tells me he loves me are for special things and when he is on the phone.
It's in his actions. it's in the way he helpse me bath her every day. it's the way he gets up early every day just so he can spend an hour with his child doing fun things like taking her to the park so she can use the baby swing while I am pumping breastmilk.
It's the way he never complains, never argues when I ask him to do something.
It's in the way he touches my hair and hugs me warmly when he comes home. It's in the tone of his voice, his body language and in his touch.
Couples who genuinely love each other display their affection inside a place of safety, or even in public.
So if he loves you and his son, watch for him to back this up with action.
Yeah, well he's always been the kind of guy who puts others before himself, like he's always doing nice things for everyone, he makes sure if I'm busy and Marshall's hungry well he makes sure Marshall eats first before he does, I am just a person who needs to hear things in words because, not looking for pity here but as I have said before, in the orphanage I was neglected, abandoned, and unloved. Hell, I wish my adopted parents told me that they loved me too for that matter. Like I'd say it to them but they'd never say it back. I guess their actions tell also, but I need to hear the words once in awhile from the people who care about me just saying. Personally I don't think that is too much to ask for.
So long as there are loving actions to go along with those loving words, that's
the important thing. I really do wish the three of you the best.
You might say me crual, or heartless. I think Trisha is not yet a compedent adult, left alone to be a competent parent. You think like a 14 year old, you act like a 14 year old, and you behave like a 14 year old. Stop playing the victim card, just because you are not the worse parent in the world, doesn't give you any credit for good parenting too. Just because you are blind, doesn't mean that you can left things on the floor for the son to play with, to chew on, to injured himself with. I don't have kid yes, but learning to care for a puppy dog is not so much different from learning to care of a kid. whatever is on the floor is you, and me, the adults responsibility. Whatever your son puts in to his mouth is your responsibility. Your responsibility is not just giving him food, cleaning him, washing him, but also his whole welfare for the next 18 to 20 years.
It was fun isn't it, planning and making baby, and the thoughts of a new born baby and how much fun you can play with it? If i can be blunt here, dare I say, when you so call "plan" your baby, you would have thought you will have all the assistant you need from everyone around you. But guess what, this is not a novel living in a fiction world. This is a real world. he is now 9 months old, the hardest time is not here yet. Try when he learn to walk, when he can pull everything out of drawers and play with things that kids are not suppose to then what? Who's fault?
Stop playing the victim card and blaming anyone beside you. You, you the one who can change your situation. You! the one who can change your son's situation. Not the father, not the social worker, not your family, not the neighbor next door, or some stranger on the street. Start being a 20+ year old adult and take responsibility for your child, for your own. Stop making lame excuses. Your son didn't choose to be born to this situation, you choose to make him, be responsible for him. Why don't you compare yourself with some other better and great parents like Kim and Loui, why you keep comparing yourself with worse parents than you?
When you come here to get advise, you don't accept most of the advice, you look for people that will tell you how great of a parent you are. Just because you gone through the whole process of giving birth, nurturing him, cleaning him, and taking care of his basic needs do not authomaticly make you a wonderful parent, or a great parent. For f**k sake, the problem between you and that bf of yours aren't new. You have been talking about it on and of on zone for years. You choose to stay with him, you choose to have a baby with him. Now, make it work for you and for the baby. Make a life for your son and for yourself. You keep saying how much you don't want your son to have the life you have had as a child, but guess what? With the situation that you are putting him in at the moment, do not make it any better either.
What is the ratio of the mothers on here who have fully sighted and not visually impaired partners?
Just curious--what does that matter. By the way, if you're wondering, out of those of us who are parents who have commented on your threads, only one of us has a sighted partner: Loui. I'm pretty sure the rest of us are either single blind moms or mothers with blind partners.
I ask only because I have noticed it is far more difficult for a totally blind person to find a job than it is for someone with some vision or a fully sighted person for that matter.
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Topic: Please help me, I feel trapped...
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Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Sunday, 10-Jan-2016 22:31:26
Ok guys I don't know where this post would belong but I really need help and I don't know where to start. I've talked to my friends and to my bf's family about some of the problems here but they can only help so much and I can't afford to see a therapist plus what I need help with goes beyond this.
My problem is this: I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is getting to the point where it's not healthy for my son to be around. Before I say anymore, I'd like to ask that you guys please not judge because I've tried putting a lot of thought and have tried taking other steps to fix things but I feel like I'm getting screwed no matter what I do. So anyway, about a year ago before Marshall was born, I tried to apply for section 8 housing and other things because things were kind of rocky between my bf and I before Marshall was in the picture but I got denied the section 8 and other housing programs I applied for since I don't have a credit score and whatever other reasons they came up with. Anyway, my bf is always bitching about his family and everyone he deals with fucking him over no matter what he tries to do in life anywere from a job to just support and I'm tired of him itching about it. I mean what I don't understand is, if he knew all this shit about the circle of people he deals with on a daily basis, why then did he choose to hae a kid with me? When I asked him this, he had replied that he was hoping he'd have more help and some of the bitching I agree with but he's constantly doing it and we're constantly fighting over all this. I get the impression that he doesn't want Marshall but when I asked if he loved my son, he never gave a straight answer. I like to believe he loves him and all, but he keeps saying he can't take care of him and do all the house stuff. I try to help as much as I can but people have fucked me over when it comes to helping me with cleaning skills and mobility skills because they all gave up on me or only worked with me so little on everything. So I'm trying to learn all the skills on my own. Anyway Marshall's father keeps talking about how he thinks we should give Marshall up but I feel strongly against it for personal reasons having to do with my childhood and I don't want my son to go through similar experiences that I had as an orphan and all. I just need to know how I can find homes or programs for single moms because I know I can't raise Marshall by myself bu I really don't want to give him up because I don't want him feel like I am abandoning him just as my birth parents abandoned me. I don't trust homeless shelters for sure. Marshall's father's constant stressing isn't helping me and it's certainly not ood for Marshall to be around since it's a daily thing. Sorry if I keep ranting but I need some kind of answer or housing idea. Also I've tried applying for jobs but all gthe jobs I've applied for said they don't have positions available plus neither of us can afford daycare for our son so we're both financially fucked. Grrrr! Also living with my parents isn't a choice because we don't have a good relationship and we never have but that would take another post to go into so I'm really stuck.
Post 2 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Sunday, 10-Jan-2016 22:33:55
This is the guy who talks about he hates people like I've said before. I've gone through the idea of breaking off the relationship but that could be a huge mess either way. If I did break it off, what would I tell Marshall if he asks about his father? Do I let him see his dad? There's a whole set of problems with that scenario.
Post 3 of 329
AgateRain
Believe it or not, everything on me and about me is real!
574 posts
Sunday, 10-Jan-2016 22:37:28
Have you looked into any training programs for your independence? A lot of them will work it out so that you and your child can live together and so that you can become more independent. Also, you receive SSI right? Try applying for a credit card to build credit. Other people might have other suggestions, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head.
I just feel so sorry for your child. You two should have been a little bit more careful so that this couldn't happen.
Post 4 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Sunday, 10-Jan-2016 22:51:39
Our child was planned, but I feel like I was more emotionally ready than his father and I thought he was just as prepared but I guess not. I did look into the training programs but they aren't going to work for me right now specially since my child is so young and all and other reasons plus as I found out this past Christmas, he doesn't do well with long trips and there's really nothing here locally. Also, my bf and I've been together for 4 years prior to Marshall with us breaking up once from the father's doing, not mine. When we did get back the second time, I am learning things about him that I'm not sure I'd like to deal with the rest of our lives together so if we break up again, this will be the final time but I just don't know how to work that out with Marshll in the picture, I'm not even sure how this could turn out into a civil thing and all for Marshall's sake since the relationship with the dad and I together isn't really good right now.
Post 5 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Monday, 11-Jan-2016 0:46:42
Trisha,
I'm not going to bitch, but fair warning...you may not like everything I'm going to say. Please read, though. I may not be able to give you a ton of nuts-and-bolts help on housing and programs, but I might be able to clarify a few other things.
First things first: you've got to figure out exactly where you stand, and stop deferring blame here.
You say your partner maybe shouldn't have had a kid with you. That's fair, but shouldn't you also have known what he was like, and avoided having a kid with him? You say Marshall was planned. So either you knew what this guy was like and you made a mistake, oor else you didn't know and maybe should have, and still maybe made a mistake.
The sooner you accept this part, the sooner you can move on. Because everyone makes mistakes; it's how you try and fix them which largely defines you.
Okay, so mistake or not, you're in this mess, and it's not an easy one. I can respect the difficulty you're having.
My opinions are as follows:
1. There are almost certainly options for you. I'm sorry that you've been fucked over in the past, but you can't let that stop you from trying. Marshall is depending on you.
2. I personally don't feel you're in a position to give Marshall up. Please, please don't do this unless you've exhausted every other choice. I don't think you have.
3. If you leave Marshall's father, it's going to get awkward, but take it from me...Marshall is young, and based on what this guy's like, you may not want him associating really closely with his dad anyway. I'm not saying you should hurt him in any way, but leaving him early might be better all around than staying in a relationship that is clearly toxic.
Just my two cents' worth.
Post 6 of 329
tough sweetheart
Generic Zoner
32 posts
Monday, 11-Jan-2016 10:28:42
I totally agree with what's been said already and also urge you to look in to some programs that can help you in the mean time. There are tons of options for single women with children (if you live in America, that is) and you should definitely apply for them so you can get out of your current situation. You really need to be an adult about this, that means stop making excuses as to why you can't do something (I.E. your son "doesn't do well on long trips" if a long trip is necessary for his future then a few hours of discomfort might have to happen). It also means working things out with your partner; I'm not saying you should stay with him but you do need to talk to him about what he would like to do in terms of your son. Does he want to give up custody completely, have joint custody, how often does he want to see his son, how do you feel about that? Do you want him to pay child support? You don't need to answer these questions here but you should most definitely think about these things and research them heavily. You should also get everything done officially so that your current partner can't change things without your consent later (I.E. You guys informally agree to a certain amount in child support and then he lowers it in the future).
Post 7 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Monday, 11-Jan-2016 12:54:35
I am sorry your marriage isn't working as you feel it should.
I only have your side of this story, so I'm going to take the middle.
take your child completely out of your dispute.
I know from previous post, you receive support for him, so he's not causing you a financial hardship.
Managed correctly, he is actually benefitual at this point, due to his age.
Because he is small, if you repair, or end your relationship, he'll not suffer.
When people, meaning your spouse, are frustrated, they say things they may not mean. They want the easy way out.
They see fault were fault doesn't exist.
Having a child, or not having a child, won't solve the issues, he'll still have them.
Never try restricting one parent from seeing the child unless you can prove it is dangerous, unhealthy. This is an unfair fight, and should never be started for emotional reasons.
Let's start from the bottom.
Because of history post, I don't think you're able to live alone. Your fight before was due to your lack of skills and willingness to get them, and you've not improved from much from what you say.
You need your spouse's support for your day to day life, and would suffer greatly without it.
This is not saying stay in your marriage. If you are going to leave.
Go home. Go home were you can receive parental support. While at home, sign up for your state VR program and get some basic skills even if you do travel to get them.
It has been pointed out these centers will accept you and your child.
If I am wrong, and you now have enough basic skills to manage your home alone, your next step could be going to a women's shelter for mothers and children.
The shelters will help you find a place to live, and get you resettled.
The risk with this, is you must be able to handle it, or you'll run the risk of them deciding to remove your child from you because you aren't able to take care of him or yourself.
Once you can prove this, you can get him back, and they'll allow you visiting, but it is a hassle you can avoid if you can.
Apply again for housing. Don't apply once and give up, you must continue to apply.
If were you live now is already low income based, negotiate with your spouse who will move, and move to another unit in your complex.
You can't take everything just half, so you'll need to replace some stuff so it is fair.
Speak with your case worker about relocating you. This will be a great source, but again, you must be able to manage you and your child alone.
The only reason I'm suggesting you and your child, is because I'm assuming your spouse doesn't want the responsibility, so will not fight it.
If he did want the responsibility, he'd be the better parent based on your previous post if he took care of his anger and did not blame it on his son.
From what you've posted, he has basic living skills and can handle life on his own, you couldn't.
Put your computer to work researching low income places and support service for women with children. Call, sign up, and do what is required.
That is what you should do.
I'm open to questions.
Post 8 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Monday, 11-Jan-2016 22:41:39
Just to clear up a point, I'm not the one who wants to give Marshall up. His father is the one who has said time and time again that we should put him up for adoption. As I have said earlier, I'd rather exhaust every resource before adoption due to my history and all.
Post 9 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Monday, 11-Jan-2016 22:57:36
Right right, I know that. I'm only reinforcing that. Don't give in to that pressure if things get tough.
Post 10 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Monday, 11-Jan-2016 23:00:11
Right on Greg. I'm a stubborn person so I'll do whatever it takes to keep my child. I want to be there for him and give Mrshall the best life he can possibly have.
Post 11 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Monday, 11-Jan-2016 23:39:17
Okay. Now what?
Post 12 of 329
AgateRain
Believe it or not, everything on me and about me is real!
574 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 0:02:37
Right, are you going to look into any programs for you and your baby so that you can, I don't know, get on your feet to get out of this abusive relationship?
Post 13 of 329
Reyami
I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?
4960 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 0:05:59
I would suggest speaking with the BF first to make custodial arrangements, assuming he wants anything to do with the child, as was suggested in post six. If you can't even get a straight answer to the question of whether or not the father loves martial, then there's a major problem. It's either yes or no, nothing in between.
Post 14 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 9:44:31
I see it exactly that way.
Yes, or no. If he says no, have him put it in writing, and have it notarized, witnessed.
Post 15 of 329
LeoGuardian
You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?
7002 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 12:58:13
Haven't read all your posts.
But Tricia how about when you sever the relationship see if he can sign away his parental rights? That means no child support, though. No such thing as rights without responsibilities and vice versa. But then he could give up the child and you keep him.
He doesn't want the boy, you want the boy. There's a solution, but it means you have to be an adult and manage it like a solution. Divorce the father, get him to sign away his paternal rights. Women often don't because they want child support from the man. But that would solve your problem. like, dare I say, a "strong, independent woman" we've all heard about, and some of us actually know in real life.
Post 16 of 329
Domestic Goddess
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1306 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 15:02:29
It's not always that easy to get a man to sign away his rights. In Texas, for
example, a man cannot sign away his rights to avoid taking responsibility for
the child. Most judges won't go for that, especially if the mother is on any sort
of public assistance.
Maybe I've got bad information or your state is different. I hope you're able to
come to some sort of resolution with this matter. I highly suggest that you start
working with a social worker if you have one because from what I can tell,
you're going to need quite a bit of assistance, far more than what we can offer
here. I wish you and your son the best of luck. As for his father, he might want
to consider a vasectomy. Just saying.
Post 17 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 15:10:30
Not sign away his rights, he is agreeing that he's okay with her leaving with the child, because he doesn't want it.
That will avoid issues when he wakes up mad and wants to raise hell.
That is assuming he feels as posted.
I don't agree he shucks financial responsibility if and when he is able. A man should always try to take care of his off spring no matter how he feels about it.
Post 18 of 329
LeoGuardian
You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?
7002 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 15:32:16
Oh I agree that's what he should do. But is this guy working? Enough to support two households?
Post 19 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 16:02:45
He only has one part time job and works only 15 hours a week, that is all he has right now.
Post 20 of 329
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1468 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 20:54:53
Does your state have any kind of charity or organisation that provides respite care? Maybe all he needs is a break?
Failing this, you need to have serious and frank talks with your partner. you need to ask questions straight up. why he wants to give martial up, does he realise how painful that is for you? won't it be painful for him?
If you love your son, really love him, then doing what is best for him is what you need right now. You need living skills. you need to work your arse off to get good at mobility and household stuff and baby care.
Do you love your partner? does he love you? more questions for both of you.
Finally, you may need to accept that you could fail at all this. You need to prepare for the worst, because if you split, social services could still take him from you without the support of your partner and his family. You need to decide what will happen in that case. There are such things as open adoption, where you would still have some access to martial.
Kids should always have the option open to be close to both parents. Dads should always have the option to be close to their kids.
Post 21 of 329
LeoGuardian
You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?
7002 posts
Tuesday, 12-Jan-2016 22:44:09
I agree with Perestroika on this stuff.
Makes a ton of sense.
Post 22 of 329
SilverLightning
I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!
2863 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 9:43:54
I'm going to be a jerk here, but I think its a fair question. Do you feel that
you have the life skills to take care of a child? Granted, that question should
have been asked before you got pregnant, or certainly when you found out you
were pregnant, but its still a fair question. If you decide to raise your child on
your own, do you have the skills, right now, to take care of him in a safe,
healthy environment? Honestly, judging by your past board posts, I'm skeptical
that the honest answer to that question is yes. A baby should not be raised in
an environment where his mother needs to learn how to do cleaning on her
own. Sure, mothers have things they have to learn, like how to change a diaper
or how to shush a crying infant, so do fathers. How to clean, remember the date
of a doctor's appointment, make a doctor's appointment, and get to that doctors
are not covered under the acceptable things one can learn on the fly.
Now, I don't claim to know all the details of your situation, so take this with a
fistful of salt, but if you've already had child services at your house with two
parents, do you really think you're ready to go to bat by yourself?
Post 23 of 329
Reyami
I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?
4960 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 11:52:48
fair point.
Post 24 of 329
mini schtroumpfette
the Zone BBS remains forever my home page
177 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 11:55:42
Reyami
Post 25 of 329
mini schtroumpfette
the Zone BBS remains forever my home page
177 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 12:00:39
Lol, sorry about the previous post... I've forgotten that I have cut and paste something before posting...
Anyways, back to the topic at hand.
I have to echo Cody's sentiment& This is not about what you or the father's needs and wants& It has everything to do with your baby's needs. Being stubborn is great if you use said determination to better your daily living and travel skills thus enhance your abilities to best care for your son. However, it would be idiotic to say the least if you want to keep him at all cost without the financial means and skills to properly care for the baby. Be forewarned that his needs will only increase as he grows& Do you have the skills and patient to care for him when teething comes in thus making him winey and needy do to pain and thereby keeping you up all night at times? Does he have healthcare coverage should he fallen ill? Do you know how to prepare baby food, keep a clean house, and know how to perform first aid basics? How about a social connection with other parents so that your son can interact with his peers later on? I am only scratching but the surfice of what you'd have to face raising this baby alone. Sometimes, although adoption is a painful process, but it might be what is best for a child unless said parent is ready to do all that she can to better her life thus his as well.
Post 26 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 13:38:37
I do want to step in here just a bit.
While Kim and Cody do have a point, I've known of a lot of single moms who, for instance, don't really know first-aid basics and don't really have connections with a lot of other moms who might be able to help, and they muddled through. Admittedly they were sighted, which helps a bit.
To me, it looks like you've started out the business of having a baby kind of badly, but you've started picking it up a little. As for whether it's good enough? To be honest, I don't know. I'm a bit skeptical too, but you might have enough to go on by now.
Whatever happens, you do have a lot to do in the future, and it's not really going to get easier.
One thing to consider, guys: if Marshall's dad has mostly been an impediment in the past (suggesting spanking, not really pulling his weight, basically seeming to fight Trisha at almost every turn, etc), then removing him from the equation, while it does take away a monetary resource that can't be ignored, might also seriously help Trisha's mindset, and might provide, however indirectly, a better environment for her son. It's a thought, anyway.
Post 27 of 329
Click_Clash
I just keep on posting!
760 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 13:39:40
I'm well aware that I'm posting this without any knowledge of you, your life, your past, or your abilities, other than what I've seen on this thread and the one about your issues with your landlord. That being said, I have some strong opinions on several aspects of this discussion, so here's my general advice:
I agree with whoever said that your boyfriend either does or does not love his child. There is no in-between. So make him answer the question once and for all. If the answer is no, or if the answer is not forthcoming, then make him sign away his rights if such a thing is legal in your state. If he doesn't love the child, then the child is better off without him. It's as simple as that. Do not keep him in your and your child's life just for the sake of child support either. As others said, find a way to make it on your own. You don't want to instill in your child the notion that he should keep toxic people in his life just for the financial convenience they may provide.
I do not agree that daily living skills cannot be learned after one becomes a parent. Sure, it's not an ideal situation, but so many of us grew up without the opportunity to learn said skills through no fault of our own. There's no reason to penalize us for that, especially to the extreme of taking our kids away. That being said, it is now your responsibility to rectify your lack of skills. Find a training program that will allow you to live with your child while you learn, as was suggested above.
One more thing, you're already on DCS's radar, and that's not good. I would strongly suggest that you research all of the disability rights groups in your state and have an advocate and/or a lawyer on standby, just in case they try to interfere again. Compile a list of contact info for all the different media outlets in your area and let them know if anything happens. It would also be a good idea to have contact info for all the higher-ups at DCS in your state. Or you may just want to consider moving to a new place so that they'll be off your back.
If you love your kid, then you'll do whatever is necessary to avoid giving him up or having him taken from you.
Becky
Post 28 of 329
Click_Clash
I just keep on posting!
760 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 13:42:44
I love that Greg's and my responses were posted within a minute of each other and that they basically say the same thing. lol
Post 29 of 329
mini schtroumpfette
the Zone BBS remains forever my home page
177 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 13:51:07
Greg... A baby is not an experiment... And you picked 2 very weak points to justify as reasons to keep her child. Yes, I agree that a social network is the least of her worries, however, it is nevertheless important for her mental state of being to tlak to other parents face to face and even exchange services of having potential play dates to give herself a break.
Moreover, removing herself and her baby away from the dad may eliminate some issues while adding others perhaps bigger ones in the process.
Post 30 of 329
mini schtroumpfette
the Zone BBS remains forever my home page
177 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 14:01:14
Oh and, one more thing... Never under estimate the role of a dad no matter how minimum... Also, we only have her side of the story to go on. Is he really as bad as she made him out to be? Judging by her other topic, she sounds ... and I did say sounds... like an irresponsible parent too by not doing the research on parenting and all that's involved. Especially since this baby is planned, so you can't tell me she didn't have time to do the proper research even if the skills demands time to acquired.
Post 31 of 329
Reyami
I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?
4960 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 14:18:40
She said in another topic under the parent talk section that she did do research. she seems overwhelmed by all the conflicting advice out there. I realize that is no excuse; I'm just clarifying.
Post 32 of 329
chelslicious
The Zone-BBS is my prison, but I like it here.
36304 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 14:35:58
She also refers to the father as "my boyfriend"...so those who are saying she's married, I think are misunderstanding things.
I'm also sure that she, too, is partially to blame for the way things have turned out. It takes two to tango, after all...
Post 33 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 14:55:04
Ok, let's get some things straight here and I'm not trying to come off as defensive here so bare with me. You all have made some valid points and I really do appreciate it as harsh as some of the points were. The father and I are not and I stress, N.O.T. married. I have found lots of ways to compensate for the things that I couldn't do or thought I couldn't due to lack of self confidence. I mean since my very first post on the parenting board, I hve come a long way and I can now do all the necessary stuff for Marshall such as changing diapers, feeding, clothing, bathing, and yes, I even know how to prepare his solid food and/or bottles of milk although he won't take solid food from me right now, he still prefers my milk which is ok since he's only 9 months right now but I digress. Anyway, the issues that I am worried about should I ever be a single parent is how to keep track of his whereabouts as he gets more mobile with age thus running, walking, and what have you. I have figured out ways to take him to doctor's appointments now and I know what to do to soothe him in times of extreme crankiness and teething now. I know how to give him medicine when he's sick since I've had to give him baby cough syrup I just learned that since the last time I posted the question about what medications to give and how to go about administering them. As for my cleaning and cooking and all those skills, I have had someone start coming in to teach me and I just very recently started hiring a worker from a home help agency to come in again and help out also. The worker will come in every day for a couple hours daily nd she gets paid by the state. So I just want yall to know, I am making progress with a lot more than I started out with when Marshall first entered the equation. I just really want things to work out in some way with the three of us as a family though.
Post 34 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:03:10
Right then.
Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but solid foods are a really really excellent idea by nine months. You may have to get a heavier hand on that. Most babies I've known are eating some solids by nine months.
I'm glad you've got someone in now, to teach you the things you were having trouble with. I know if you're starting from ground zero, everything seems huge and daunting and scary...but the great part is that once it starts to move, you'll be able to look back and say "Jeez, that wasn't so bad at all, was it?". Many progress-related issues are that way; starting is hardest, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Please understand, I'm not saying that being hesitant is an excuse. It's not, though for awhile it was for you. But you have begun, so all you can do is commit yourself as much as you're able and essentially make up for your shortcomings. Better late than never, and all that.
Post 35 of 329
Devilish Anthony
Just go on and agree with me. You know you want to.
1412 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:10:38
Keep up the progress! I'm not a parent, so I can't tell you how I'd handle things. Off hand, I think I'd worry about the child, as he's the one who depends on you. If the boyfriend wants to stay and be a part, then great, but if he doesn't, it may be in everyone's best interest to let him go. I wish the best, for all of you. You'll gain confidence as you move along.
Post 36 of 329
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1468 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:17:12
he should definitely have a little solid food each day, but not too much. the saying goes 'food before 1 is just for fun' so she has some time on that score.
but you should try to get a few little spoons in before each feed if you can, because after 12 months he will start needing those more.
We try to give Matilda a tiny meal 3 times a day so that she's eating about 100 mls all up of food a day, not including milk.
Trisha, if your bf doesn't want to be a dad, nothing you do can force him to do so. he has to do it on his own terms and in his own time. However if he is bullying you to put martial up for adoption then you need to put your foot down if this is something you don't want. you need to tell him straight that it's a definite no. you'll fight for your son, even if it means losing him in the process.
If that's what you're willing to do.
Gregg, a child isn't a social experiment. You can't just say that plenty of mums get by. yeah, they have, and plenty also haven't. not to mention she's already on the radar of social services, so she can't afford to just get by or muddle along.
Post 37 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:20:22
He is eating solids, he's been eating them since 6 months, but only not for me. He will for everyone else since he associates me with milk lol. But I'm not too worried about that right now since tht's still his main source of nutrition at least that's what my wic advisor and his pediatrician says. Oh and before any of yall start bitching about how often I've been posting on boards, I have free time when his father is watching him or when Marshall's napping and I'm not tired, but I still do a lot of the taking care of him ie feeding changing and bathing him so... just clearing that up before it becomes a debating point. On that note, I will go see what my son is doing at this moment.
Post 38 of 329
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1468 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:28:43
if he won't eat solids for you, how will you feed him if you end up leaving his dad? these are problems you need to solve before that happens, not after.
My daughter associates me with milk but will take solids from me gladly. don't offer too much, just a few teaspoons and then done, but make it a perminent part of your day so that he starts to learn to take them from you as well. keep trying. I know how frustrating it is.
Post 39 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:32:04
I didn't know that bit about babies being all right on non-solids before the age of one. Most babies eat solids by six or seven months, even if the solids are nothing but mush of some fruit, vegetable or other. I'm glad to know he's in no real danger here. Otherwise I agree with Loui in the sense that getting him acclimatized to taking solids from you is definitely a good idea. Even if you don't end up on your own with him, you're getting to a point where, on certain things at least, you can start becoming more firm, and food is one of them.
Post 40 of 329
Devilish Anthony
Just go on and agree with me. You know you want to.
1412 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:42:33
I didn't learn to chew until I was about 4 years old. My grandmother would chew the food for me and feed it to me. Mom was grossed out by it, so she would take me to my grandmother for mealls, which wasn't so terribly bad, since we lived next door. I only say this to point out that there were things Mom couldn't do, and I turned out relatively ok... (Yes, I know it's a matter of opinion. Hahaha)
Post 41 of 329
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1468 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:53:41
it's recommended that a baby's primary source of food under 1 year is milk. they can have a small amount of solids, but our nurse says it should not be more than 100mls a day, and if she gets sick of it after a few spoons, we just stop. baby's have solids to get used to the idea of eating. they should also not have fruit before one year. you should stick to baby food containing only grains, some root veg like potato or carrot and a little meat. breast milk and formular contain more than enough sugar for a baby, so don't go putting more in his system with fruit. babies should also be getting a few sips of water with their solids to get used to that as well.
Post 42 of 329
LeoGuardian
You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?
7002 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 15:58:14
My daughter was eating solid things by six or seven months, I'd cook up ramen or other soft noodles, no seasoning, adding in peas / corn / carrots so long as they were mashed up. And, this was the early 90s so probably people do it different now, let her eat it with her hands off the tray in the high chair.
An information disparity isn't terribly uncommon between parents. It's all in the motivation, speaking of the father here. What I lacked in all the child development knowledge stuff that her mom had, I made up for in the just common sense street smarts / ability to make some kinds of food from scratch. Not a hippie or back-to-earther, just been pretty poor at times in my life, so I knew how.
We're such opposites in background the daughter jokes about us now.
So it's not really what you don't know; it's what yu're prepared to find out.
you don't gotta know it all, I never did. I never really learned all the developmental stuff She knows.
But you, and he, has just got to have some sense.
Let me say one more thing, Tricia. When I was younger and a bit of a cuck, behaving like a fool with "one good man syndrome", I believed I could help some other guy "step up to the plate" and be the dad he should. That's bullshit. I was a total failure at convincing him to. He was technically right: Nobody had gone out and convinced me to do it, so how could I think I was gonna convince him.
Your boyfriend there either wants to or not. If he doesn't, you might be able to get the State to enforce child support payments, taking a bite out of the payments along the way, or wipe him off / get him to rescind his parental rights and move on.
I know a ton of young cucks out there pining for absolution aren't gonna believe me on this, and probably wanta be the one good man to bring home this wayward deadbeat. But that's BS: Forget him. You don't have to ask a dad if he loves his kid. It shows or it don't.
Put it this way: Do you think anyone doubts that you love your baby? Has anyone had to ask you? Probably not to both questions. Well a dad's just the same on that account.
Post 43 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:04:04
I'd like to believe he loves Marshall cause unless he's just a plain manipulator or has greedy intentions which I don't think he is, why else then would he do for Marshall things he already does? I mean he does buy clothes and spends time with Marshall and all. Also on the note on eating solid food, Marshall won't eat jarred food for me but if I give him a little of this or that from whatever I eat, he will eat it and I just finger feed it to him since he won't eat from a spoon. I don't get him sometimes but I have given him a lot of stuff except for anything with cow's milk since he can't have that till he's one according to research that I've done.
Post 44 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:07:05
He'll eat from you. Right now he doesn't have to, so just wants the breast and the close.
Again, he's not the problem.
I am happy to learn I was wrong about your skill level. You have come up. Smile.
You have support coming to help you and all.
Use this same support to relocate to another unit, or place in your city. You already have the people, or service in place to use.
Your main thing is an agreement between you and spouse.
If it is over it is over, and I mean between you two.
You won't ever keep him from his child, so if he wishes, he'll visit.
Just get your agreement in writing, not that you mean to keep him away, but that he's agreed you'll do the parenting and he's not interested.
You are putting things on your son that have nothing to do with him.
Even his dad saying he wants to give him up has nothing to do with him.
It's not hurting his feelings.
Settle your problems between you and spouse, or move.
You are his gard, protector, so it only has to do with you.
Post 45 of 329
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1468 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:20:21
Trisha, be careful what you give to him from your plate. Martial isn't allowed salt or other seasoning yet either.
Post 46 of 329
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1468 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:20:23
Trisha, be careful what you give to him from your plate. Martial isn't allowed salt or other seasoning yet either.
Post 47 of 329
SilverLightning
I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!
2863 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:23:23
I'm gonna have to disagree with the concensus here. You haven't progressed.
You've come up to average. You've hired someone to come and teach you how
to prepare foods and such. That would have been great when you were two
months pregnant, not when your baby is nine months old. I realize how harsh
that is, but its the truth. The fact that you're just now coming to the conclusion
that you need to know this stuff is troubling. Especially since even I know that
children change drastically and quickly as they grow. so you weren't prepared in
the slightest for him as an infant, are you prepared for him as a todler? How
long will you take for you to be prepared for him as a todler? How much time
will he have to spend as a todler before you are prepared to take care of him?
Because, I'm sorry, but right now you just aren't ready to take care of him.
You're able to scrape by, but if you can't even prepare a meal for him, you're
not ready for him once he progresses even the slightest bit from the stage he's
at now. You can't just prepare him canned soup and pizza until you've learned
how to cook.
And please, mothers, don't step in with your, well no one is really prepared for
a baby, even when they plan everything correctly because babies are little train
wrecks with adorable giggles that you just can't prepare for. That's a crock, and
you all know it. Yes, there are variables you can't prepare for. That doesn't
mean you can't prepare for a baby entirely. We can all agree, even those that
agree silently, that the care for this child that has been described here, and in
other boards by this same poster, is woefully lacking. So lets not start pulling
out cute platitudes to try and defend the indefensible.
Post 48 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:31:13
I like to give people who are trying some praise. I believe this is productive.
She's come a long way, and this is good.
She'll even go more if she continues.
Nothing beats a try.
Post 49 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:42:40
Is it good enough? Maybe not yet.
Is it progress? Well, considering how things were several months ago? Yes, I'd say it's progress.
Calling it progress doesn't mean that all danger is gone and everything's all right. It just means that the first steps have been taken.
Just a heads-up: I remember eating all kinds of canned pasta, frozen pizza, french fries and other crap as a toddler. I wasn't being fed things like salads and fresh veggies on a regular basis, and I hated fruit. There are ways to get around an inability to cook or prepare food well, as long as you use things like vitamins and whatnot. I didn't even do that half the time, and I turned out okay.
All that being said, continuing to improve your abilities will make Marshall happier and healthier, and will probably make you feel better too. Here's the neat thing about progress, Trisha (and you may be feeling this already): the more you do, the better you may feel. Sure, you'll still screw stuff up here and there, or have questions, or have days where everything just sucks...but knowing that you're at least -trying to do the right thing will probably help you not feel so trapped. And not feeling trapped is one step toward proactively doing what you're supposed to do for a child depending on you.
So I'm not going to be the one to say "congratulations, you're an amazing parent". You don't have to be, and you aren't. All I'm going to say is "Okay, you got the ball rolling. Now for heaven's sake keep it rolling."
One last note:
Loui, you say Marshall "isn't allowed" to have salt or seasonings? I'm kinda curious why this is. Some people are very finicky about what baby gets to eat before a year old, while some would give baby almost anything as long as they wouldn't choke on it, and as long as new foods were introduced in very very small portions. I know most parents my mom's age did that...baby food and breastmilk and all, of course, but every so often they might try me on applesauce, mashed carrots, even something like a tiny piece of hot dog to see if I liked it (I really, really didn't, apparently).
It's a bit of back-and-forth I've heard a lot. Some say "anything in close moderation", others say "absolutely no food of type x before age y".
Post 50 of 329
LeoGuardian
You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?
7002 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 16:52:30
Perestroika you're probably right in the most proper sense. My Wife used to try and institute strict things for what she could have what and when. But, well, I said she's the better more refined educator type and me an average working class guy. But I ran into the older versions of myself when I was younger, and they always said they as dads just let their little ones have a bit of everything. A particular laughable situation was an older Mexican who thought the whole "no spice" thing had to be just a white thing.
I didn't go overboard, but the older generation -- older when I was youhnger I mean, -- used to tell us younger guys that letting your baby eat more diverse stuff and sometimes run into things that wasn't officially allowed like spice, makes them less picky when they get older.
Not sure it worked, well, the daughter got a compromise of me and her mom on that stuff. Anyway there's not just one way to do this.
Post 51 of 329
SilverLightning
I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!
2863 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 17:00:01
Wayne, we're talking about a helpless, defenseless child here. I don't think we
should be giving out "well, you tried" medals.
Post 52 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 18:32:49
I'm not worried about her child. She has said she can do for him the basic things.
If that is so, she's doing well.
She has support, so can and will learn more.
The thing is progress.
Kids just aren't all that difficult to take care of.
She talked about keeping him safe when he starts to be mobile, but that's easy too.
You simply put everything away or up high that is a hazard.
Locked your door and you're pretty good.
Put some bells on him, or something that makes noise, or put him in a play pen with you have to do things and can't be as attentive.
He's not her problem, resettling is.
Post 53 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 18:37:11
A bell, yes. I totally was gonna mention a bell and forgot.
That, and communication. Some kids are good with this, some kids aren't. When Marshall gets old enough that he can understand your speech and can say things like "yes" and "no" and can generally get his point across, that'll help too. Try to explain to him that your eyes don't work so you can't see him, and that he can help you keep him safe. As I said, it won't always work well; some kids are prankish and will test boundaries, while some are actually really sweet about it.
And I hope none of you others have a problem with this. Trying to encourage mom to get baby to actively take part in this sort of thing isn't laziness, it's practicallity. In a small house or apartment it shouldn't be too big a deal.
Also...yeah. Keep your poisons (cleaners and the like) way the hell out of his reach, even if it means the only place he can't get to is somewhere up high that requires you to get a chair when you need them. Better to inconvenience yourself a bit than risk him getting into something because he's curious and doesn't know better.
Post 54 of 329
mini schtroumpfette
the Zone BBS remains forever my home page
177 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 18:42:07
The so called allows or not probably changed over the years as food science are further studied. Some spices have negative effects on the baby's digestive system as well as dary products before the age of one. Honey, as another example, although has great benefit, can cause botulism if given to an infant.
And again, all we have to go on concerning the dad is her words. Why are people so quick to judge him yet making justifications for her behaveours?
Thank you Chelsea for the clarification. Doing research is one thing, taking what you've learned and apply is another. What I take issue with partially is the lack of common sense the OP is showing among other things.
And yes, I guess some small, and I do mean small progress is better than none at all. I'd congratulate her if a little one isn't involved.
Post 55 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 19:09:54
I don't even congratulate, but precisely for the sake of that little one, I'd rather encourage than be mean. Encouraging doesn't mean "you're done, stop trying now", it means "You've started, keep going", as I've said before.
Kim, I knew the thing about honey, but didn't know about spices and whatnot harming a baby's digestive system, particularly in small quantities. Learn something new every day I suppose.
Funny thing though: the more shit we put into our food, the more you see people who can't tolerate glutin or dairy or half a hundred other things. yet, if you give baby a dash of scrambled egg when they're eight months old, or a couple of raspberries at nine months, the worst they ever seem to get is a slightly runny poop which doesn't seem to bug them. In other words, the number of children and adults with food-related problems and intolerances goes up even as the list of disallowed foods for baby also increases. Funny parallel.
Post 56 of 329
mini schtroumpfette
the Zone BBS remains forever my home page
177 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 19:19:08
Not harm Greg, just discomfort. And trust me... If any discomfort can be avoided, as a parent you'd want to follow the advice, lol.
Also, the goal is to teach a baby how to appreciate the natural flavor of any given food without introducing such things as sugar and salt. Nothing stop you from introducing spice later on though.
Post 57 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 19:40:26
You're a parent and I'm not, Kim. I've known many parents who did what Leo did, and I've known a good handful who do it more like you and Loui are talking about. I can definitely see what you're saying about sugar and salt though. Our food gets enough of that already.
Post 58 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 20:08:50
I'm sure there aren't any parents here that were ever 100% prepared for parenthood. I've heard of parents doing everything by books and whatnot but yet when that little miracle arrived, they were nervous and all even though they were as prepared as they could be. Those who think they were 100% prepared are fooling themselves. Correct me if I'm wrong. On that note, not everyone is an awesome gourmet cook. I can prepare simple things such as pasta, rice, canned shit and the like so I'm sure Marshall wil be fine as food goes when he's older. By the way, WIC stops when he's five and without that, I can't really get good healthy stuff since fruits meat and vegies are quite expensive and I'm only living off of SSI and I don't get a lot in food stamps, just under $100. I have applied for other benefits here but was denied because I get the full amount of $733 in SSI so in 5 years when WIC ends and I still don't have a job, I'm pretty much fucked as far as good healthy food, right?
Post 59 of 329
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1468 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 21:15:20
Gregg, salt is especially bad for the little kidneys of babies, which are still developing, so you have to watch their salt intake even up to the age of 2. they have no salt in baby food, precicely for this reason and that is why it tastes bland.
Trisha, there were definitely elements of becoming a parent that scared the shit out of me. I freely admit that. However Matilda was totally a planned baby, so for us, the shock was at least minimal. My husband has done this twice before, so I had a great deal of support there. What concerned me is that you only ever mentioned some random blind parenting cource that you took and the research from that. I don't recall you ever researching or reading up on other methods of parenting and opinions. It took you a long time to get to this board and even to the blind parent alliance. and I want to stress that you cannot put this off. you need to learn and you need to learn fast. I hope you can, because a tiny human being is depending on you.
You cannot be passive about this, you need to be prepared to fight tooth and nail for your son if you want to keep him, because as far as social services see, you haven't been fantastic so far, and you are already on their radar.
Cody, I wasn't even planning to defend her. I am a mother, and I have a planned child. when she says her child was planned, my eyebrows go up, because it really doesn't seem like it at all.
Post 60 of 329
SilverLightning
I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!
2863 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 22:39:40
Ok, so some of your benefits are going to end. What are you going to do
about that? and no, not everyone is a gourmet cook, but you need to be able to
cook more than just pasta and rice. Pasta and rice require boiling water, nothing
more. What about proteins when he's old enough? What about vegetables and
starches? are you going to know how to cook chicken, or hamburger, or pork
chops, or potatoes, or anything ike that? How are you going to afford those
kinds of things if your benefits run out? Cuz he's going to need those things.
Yes, canned foods can get you a bit of that, but its nothing compared to real
food, and real food doesn't have all the salts that canned food does.
Post 61 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 22:53:46
The Hadley course was a series and they weren't the only method of research I did. I read a ton of other parenting books from different libraries but none really mentioned discipline or things about baby food or taking care of a baby, they just told me facts that I needed to know but no step by step instructions, so I had tried to get rehab counselors and teachers at school to work with me on baby stuff. Unfortunately everybody dropped the ball until it was near crunch time, so what was I supposed to do? When I was in high school, they had those simulated baby dolls, does anyone remember those at the blind schools? Well, I begged and begged the teachers to let me work with those, but they always had my schedules crammed with other classes and they also apparently were running out of those baby dolls or other careless students were mistreating those dolls so I never got the chance. I also worked at a daycare when I was 16, but it was a volunteer program through my high school and the daycare didn't allow volunteers to do personal things like changing diapers and such. The babies I worked with were 3 months and up so all I was allowed to do was bottlefeed and anyting else except handle diapers like I said. I promise you guys I'm not trying to make excuses, but I did my best and some of those circumstances I didn't have control over. Also outside of the daycare stuff I never got to babysit because my parents put into my head that no mother would ever want to hire a blind person to babysit their children because we were a minority so I was never given any opportunities.
Post 62 of 329
Aunt Hot Wheels
Finally getting on board!
571 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 23:17:26
I agree with all these folks out here, that you have to keep pushing yourself. However, you are doing something right. I have seen states' services, and they are harsh on the disabled parent! So Keep doing what you are doing, and never stop improving who you are, as a mother and person!
Blessings,
Sarah
Post 63 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 23:23:34
Trisha,
Your original shortcomings are understandable, to a point, but why you had a child in the first place is beyond me. You were ill-prepared by your own admission. I've heard it said that you had a child deliberately, yet here you are saying you weren't ready. That was a traitorous, dangerous thing to do, to your child, to your partner and to your baby if that's true. if it's not, then feel free to disregard. If Marshall was an accident (as in, you were doing what you could to make sure he didn't happen, short of not having sex at all)...well, that's a little different.
But here you are. You've had three quarters of a year since Marshall came into the world, and another three-quarters of a year or thereabouts while you were pregnant. That's a year and a half for you to look at your skillset, your capabilities and go, "Uh-oh. I've really got to get my shit together". And you're starting to do that now, so that's good. Part of the reason you're getting flak is because you're running uphill here, metaphorically speaking. You should've done this quite awhile ago, and with a bit more effort I think.
But you didn't, so here you are, and now you're kinda making what you can of things.
You don't have to become supermom. You don't have to become a gourmet cook. But between now and when Marshall turns five, the time your assistance or whatever cuts out, you owe it to yourself to pick up on some cooking. Fruits are a bit expensive, yes, but veggies aren't so bad. You may not be able to give your child an absolutely 100% healthy diet (many single moms can't), but if you play your cards right you may be able to make do. Try and think of some other ways you might be able to earn money, for a start. Is there anyone to watch Marshall while you work? Are you employable?
Difficult questions, and you aren't going to solve these problems tomorrow, or even next month, but the time to think about them is now, or very very soon, not in three years. Keep that ball rolling.
Post 64 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 23:48:46
Actually as he gets older you'll receive different benefits for him.
I know for a fact your state has what is called the wick program. Check in to this.
Fresh veggies and such can be gotten, ask the provider that comes to teach you house skills, she'll tell you how.
I didn't bad mouth the dad. In fact, I said if he was actually angry, and put that aside, he'd be the better parent.
He's mor able to run a house.
To bad you can't workout differences and do it together, but that is that.
We've only got one side of this story, so I'm remaining in the middle.
Your benefits aren't going to end. You just need to use more services to live if you can't work.
Post 65 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 23:55:38
Oh oh, something I just thought of...and depending on what sort of place you have, this might be tricky.
What about growing some of your own veggies? You won't be able to grow everything, but if you have access to more than just a balcony and the space it provides, you might be able to learn a little gardening and do stuff like tomatoes and lettuce, maybe certain types of peppers...I'm not sure all what, you might be better off asking someone with more of a green thumb. But if you are able to do this, either where you are now or wherever you may end up, you'll probably save money in the long run.
Post 66 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Wednesday, 13-Jan-2016 23:58:51
that is a good idea but I'm not sure how that will go with my landlord and we have a balcony and I know nothing about our yardspace though
Post 67 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 1:16:15
That's the thing. It's something to ask, if nothing else. Maybe it's a dead end, and maybe there's a little bit of grass out back where you might be able to start a garden. You won't know till you ask. And hey, if it doesn't work...well at least you tried.
Post 68 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 3:46:51
So I was just curious about something. For the ladies who have posted to my board topics, how many of your partners are involved in these discussions? I know people have mentioned something about trying to get my bf involved so I was just wondering.
Post 69 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 10:38:10
So you don't feel too sorry for her not being able to get fresh vegetables and fruits.
Where she lives, she has what is called food banks. If she desired, she could go and pick up these items weekly for free.
If she can't travel, she can even have them delivered to her home via volunteers.
She does not have to try growing anything in an apartment.
Here's an example.
http://fox2now.com/2014/12/15/organic-produce-company-donates-fruits-and-vegetable-to-food-bank/
Post 70 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 10:47:59
I neglected to menschen.
These same food banks provide frozen, or canned vegetables and fruits as well.
Post 71 of 329
Trisha Takownawa
move over school!
312 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 11:16:47
I do order stuff from schwans a couple times a month and its really good stuff for the most part. However, the stuff is all frozen but it is said the quality is high and though they are a little pricy, they are worth it.
Post 72 of 329
LeoGuardian
You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?
7002 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 12:14:24
I'm not a benefits expert but I know this much from some of my family working around these government type programs.
If you're a woman, especially a woman with kids, there's no reason you'd have to skimp. There's so much benefit out there. There's Tanif, which isn't much I'll admit. But there is all kinds of small business programs specifically for women. There's Healthy kids programs for different things as he gets bigger.
I'll say this too, even though I'm not a big government kind of a guy. Those programs are there because your local community wants you to be able to use it if you need it. Everyone's down on their luck sometime. I've had to do things for my family I didn't like either. I mean, who wants to go to the government office? But especially the local community or state-specific stuff is there for people like you who are down on their luck. And as a woman, especially a woman with a child, there's all kinds of programs just for you. Look up Title 9 for schools. Many different school programs are giving a ton of money and preference for women, especially in fields that the current politically powerful are trying to fill quota and get more women into. Things like any of your STEM fields. I don't know about trades and such though.
Post 73 of 329
forereel
If I had a dollar for everytime I logged on to the Zone, I'd be richer.
8097 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 12:23:32
Also as you know Leo, because you have helped deliver things, we have plenty free and good quality food.
Again a woman with a child has no worries if she will make some effert.
Post 74 of 329
Shepherdwolf
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1147 posts
Thursday, 14-Jan-2016 17:00:55
I'm hoping that maybe you didn't know to ask about some of this stuff, Trisha. Not everyone does. But this is precisely why you reached out, right? To find things out?
If Wayne is right, and these things are available to you, then there is absolutely nothing wrong in taking them up on it. Not if it means you and Marshall and even your partner get to eat better. This doesn't mean you should become lax in other areas, but it does mean you aren't j
What in the world? To the previous poster, looks like you copied and pasted a chunk of the webpage instead of a response to this thread.
My partner is and was fully sighted.
I also don't see what that has to do with anything?
Being blind doesn't make parenting a small child any different from seeing parenting. Having a job, or getting a job has nothing to do with parenting either.
Especially in your case when you've got resources available to you for the simple reason you are blind, and a mother on top of that.
If you had plenty money, you could just hire a nanny, and get in to your lover completely and forget about this stuff. I wonder if you would?
What about fathers?
I have a sighted partner but that merely means when she is involved she can use sight. But when I'm the one doing the caring, I don't use sight. What gives, re: sighted vs. blind? And why mothers only? Damn you kids and your 1950s ideals ... some of us became fathers in the 90s and did paternal activities. Were we rewarded for it? Hell no. Want to know why? Because it's statistically the norm, and people don't get a cookie for doing something *everybody* does.
Yup, I even have known quite a few traditionalist conservative gun toters who change diapers, get up at night with the baby, feed from the bottle be it breastmilk or something else, and everything else some young foos prattle on as though it didn't exist.
What is abnormal is the male parent not doing his domestic duty, pulling second shift, whatever you wish to call it.
Trisha, my husband has a job, and I don't. Nor am I looking for one.
Now I will admit, that my situation is different from yours. I was very lucky that I live in Sweden. Matilda is lucky because her mamma gets 14 months payed parental leave from the government so that I or her daddy can stay at home.
This still doesn't change the fact that I am the one doing the bulk of the work for the baby.
I can't just ring my husband when I'm having a hard time and demand he come home because I can't cope with something because I can't see. If I did that he would laugh at me, because someone has to go out and pay the bills.
So I problem solve. I sit down, I work it out in my head and then I try out solutions.
Sometimes they aren't the best, but I get by fine. if my baby overflows her diaper with shit, I have to bath my baby because that's the easiest way for me to cope with the mess with a lack of sight.
Does this mean that my child has an unnecessary bath? absolutely. If my husband were home, he would just change and clean her properly. But I can't just call him, or some other sighted person to do it for me. it's a cop out, especially since I chose to have Matilda. She's my baby and I am damn well responsible for her and her needs.
I solved the problem of food too. I use food pouches to feed her with spoons that attach. Otherwise my child would not get solids every day.
I couldn't just ring someone up and tell them that I couldn't do it because I couldn't see. Again, it's a cop out, and it's passing on a responsibility that ultimately rests with me.
I chose to have a child. True, my husband chose to have her too, but when he is home, he does his share. absolutely he does. He also helps me problem solve. He helps me think my way around things so that I can learn. He teaches me where I need to be taught, but for the most part, I do it myself, because he isn't always here when I need to solve some issue.
Don't get me wrong. if there was an emergancy where I needed him. to take us to the hospital quicker than I could get there myself, for example, my husband would be home in a flash. but he also knows how resourceful I am. He knows he doesn't have to worry about the day to day things, because he has a wife who knows what's expected of her as a mother, and what kinds of things I need to be able to do. He's confident in my ability to problem solve.
So the fact that he is sighted is convenient for some things, but it ultimately changes nothing. I am still a blind mother.
The fact that you are almost unemployable was something that you knew. you should have known it anyway. You know how hard it is for blind people to find jobs. You knew that you had no qualifications under your belt. You can't say you didn't know this before getting pregnant. If you didn't know this, you should have found out. It's again and again excuses for why you fucked up and why we should be okay with it. Why people should give you the benefit of the doubt because it's so much harder for you because you're blind and have no job prospects. If you had no job prospects, you shouldn't have brought a child into your world. If you couldn't cope financially, it shouldn't have even been a choice for you.
It's called research. Now I know I am dwelling in the past here, but so are you, really. You offer up excuse after excuse for why your situation is what it is, but every single part of your situation was preventable. Now yes, you've made your bed, and you are determined to lie in it and do what you think is best for your son. Great. However do not keep giving us excuse after excuse for why your situation is so desperate and why you can't live on your own, and single motherhood is not an option.
Sighted people might feel sorry for you, but I don't.
I feel sorry for Martial though.
Not because he doesn't have parents who love him. He seems to have a mother who does. But I feel sorry for him because he has parents who totally failed to do any research weather or not a child was the right thing for them, but then keep going on and on about how he was this great planned baby and not accepting their major fuckups in this situation and then blaming loads of other people while failing to look at themselves. I am pointing the finger mainly at you here, trisha, but also partly at your partner for not doing his own research and putting his foot down about a child that you had no skills for and few financial resources for.
Stop. blaming. others.
The only person who will get you out of this mess is you. If that means you have to do some kind of education, do it. If it means you have to job search every day, do it. If it means you have to do volunteer work to get some experience, do it. Whatever it takes, do it and stop blaming other people for your situation, because it is noone elses fault but your own.
I never, and still don't think in terms of what is, was normal.
We did whatever was necessary.
Also at night, excuse the reference, but we both had sex, got the kid, so the night duty, bottle feeding, diaper changing, or whatever else was required was a shared activity.
The only thing I couldn't do was breast feed.
When she was breast feeding, I'd get up and bring the baby to her most times, so she could remain resting on my time up.
If she got up say at 12, it was understood I'd get up at the 2 feeding.
We never really discussed it, it just was.
During the first part of the relationship, I was home during days, so doctors appointmens, and whatever had to happen during these hours, was my responsibility.
When she'd come home, it wasn't like, okay, she's home, so she gets the second shift.
If I had to leave for work, or whatever, I was free to do so, but if we were both home, I just had help.
I've never seen child raising in the same light as many hear do. It wasn't a job, difficult.
If we wanted to go out and party, we found someone to watch, and we left.
If it was someplace we could take the baby, like dinner, shopping, or just hanging out on the beach at the blues bar, we took the baby with us.
We were young people that wanted to do young people stuff, and we did.
I know how society sees this stuff, but I never did, nor do.
I think it's a case of what works for each couple, because people's needs are different.
§I get my breaks on Johan's days off. Driving a taxi isn't a job that's safe to do while half asleep, so my husband needs his sleep. he doesn't get sleep if he has to get up and feed a baby, while in my case, I don't have anywhere particularly to be the next day, for the most part, so I can have a little sleep when Matilda naps, if I need to.
Wayne's right at least I remember this too. I just did things, we didn't sit down and have this philosophical (and ideological?) discussion about who is going to do what how. Hell I still don't.
Now that I work from home and She is no longer a writer but working as a director at a facility, I do all the domestic tasks. Never talked about it, never had a sit-down. And I'm not griping and complaining and carrying on like many within a certain young demographic do. When the daughter comes over, there's more food to prepare, dishes to do, laundry to do, and so forth.
To my mind, that's just the price I pay for telecommuting from home. I have no preinstalled software for complaining about what seems just like natural activities to me.
I do think all this gesticulating about who does how much and when must be a upper-class thing. Raised working class, when I was a kid, if you see a mess, you clean it up. If you want it done right, do it yourself. Which implies no bitching about it. I'd rather live my way than live the way the uppity classes do, picking over every little thing and dividing every little task.
I think it's slightly different when you have a tiny baby. Sometimes there is definitely a mess in the kitchen, or a load of dishes waiting to be put away, and neither of us get to it because we're either so busy or so tired that we just don't get the chance.
So yes, you do have to have a discussion about who's going to do what, and sometimes when someone can do the afore mentioned what.
I don't think it's an upper class thing at all. We are certainly not upper class, but we discuss things like this all the time. So do other low income Swedish families.
Admittedly it was near on 20 years ago.
But if I wasn't tasked with holding / watching the baby, then I picked up the mess in the kitchen and vice versa. Maybe in Sweden and other countries it's more a culture thing. But over here, the people you see complaining about who did how much are usually more of the rich types.
I just happen to be absent-minded enough that, as a responsible person, I will pick it up lest I forget. Not all are as absentminded as I am, and so don't need to. But I already know that I'll forget about it, so if I run into it and am not otherwise occupied, I'll pick it up. A bit of a shortcut, sure. I'll admit that.
I assure you guys that the sight question had nothing to do with wanting pity or making excuses what have you, it was just a general question. On that note, is anyone ever 100% financially stable? Marshall's father and I both want jobs because it's always nice to have extra money. I mean we have enough for all our basic stuff and food and bills, so it's not like we're doing poorly as far as money goes just saying. I've just often heard cases where a lot of blind people have a harder time finding work than sighted or people with partial vision. Like my friend had a job working somewhere and they fired him because he was visually impaired, then he got laid off from a factory type job because the factory didn't have enough work for him or the other employees so if totally blind folks can't find jobs, it may also have to do with discrimination.
Yes, Trisha, blind people often have an uphill battle finding jobs. That should answer your question.
it's the same for sighted people in the sorts of jobs you're talking about, Trisha. true, they might have it easier to replace their jobs, but there are a lot of homeless middle class families who would also have something to say about that, especially in the US right now, because they too can't find work, sight and all.
It's not just blind people who can't find work. it's most disabled people and a hell of a lot of people who are perfectly healthy.
The kinds of jobs that require 0 qualifications are drifting away into other countries or being only given to those people who are very young, who they can fire in a few years and hire more young people who they can pay less.
generally to get a job as a disabled person you have to be seriously overqualified for something, know someone, or find an agency to help you, and even then it's not set in stone you will get anywhere.
Nobody, blind or sighted, is 100% financially stable.
Perestroika. I am interested in why a person can't put away say a load of dishes or whatever with a small baby?
Babies sleep, so you do the work when they sleep.
If they are awake, you just put them in a seat, or carry deal, set it on the counter or table near by and do the work.
I kept my daughter and a friends daughter at the same time many days, and I could still clean up, wash dishes or whatever.
Sure, you've got to give them some love time, but that never kept me from doing much of anything.
My daughter laughs to this day, because she likes country music, and her friends think she's strange.
I worked at home in a music studio, so would put her on the mixing board while I worked sometimes. Lol
I'd keep the sound low and she's sleep.
I also had a bag thing that strapped to my body. I'd put her in that, and go wash my car sometimes, or do work outside.
People picked cotton, farmed and you name it with babies, so house work is a breeze.
My mom always instructed never to be quiet when a baby slept, or you'd ruin them.
She said vacuum or whatever you needed to do. I really believe that.
I doagree that your husband should be allowed to sleep, but that goes without saying.
You are home, so it is your place.
As to financially stable, I disagree.
Many of my family are such. Sort of the banks closing, or the government freezing assets, they are stable period.
Even when things are in financial straights, they can afford to cut back rents on the properties they own, so people can afford to pay.
Even if you are poor, you can set your life so you are stable.
I think I'm pretty stable short of the things I've said have to happen. That mess me up, but it mess everyone up, so.
Financial stability can be had if you do what is required to secure it, but that is a speech I don't need to make here. Lol
I've got some personal problems with that topic. Lol
.Is it possible to have enough money to the point where one would never be in need o want of anything or have to find a job to get the money for people's needs and desires? Surely not unless you are rich or a multi millionaire. That is the financial stability to which I am referring. I doubt most on here are that fortunate to never have to work or could always stay at home and hire servants maids and the like. Those kind of people would probably never need daycare either.
The answer is no. It is easier to fulfill the 'needs' but not the 'wants'. Ones your needs and wants got fulfill, there will always some new needs and wants popping up. It is about how you able to budget for yourself and family. How you can work out your priority list. IF you have $20, will you use that $20 wisely to buy proper food, milk, dyper for your baby, or you will use that $20 to buy cokes, chips and things that do not matter much?
Is there really a point with that silly question?
Wayne, Matilda is still waking up twice to 3 times a night, and I am the lucky one doing the feeding etc, so I do often take a sleep when she does. A lot of mums who get up during the night do this and don't see it as an issue, and is in fact something we desperately need.
Matilda is also very mobile now, so she takes a lot more watching. Like I said earlier. since I can't see, I can't just put her down on the floor and go and do something else. She's learning to crawl and to sit up, which is a nasty combination, so while she is playing I need to be sitting with her at all times to stop her smacking her face on the floor too much.
She's getting increasingly frustrated if I put her in chairs or in her swing, she doesn't want to be there, she wants to be moving, and she needs to be moving as well. so right now about 90% of my time is spent with her. Sometimes I do get to put the dishes away, but not always, and my husband is very understanding about that, the same way as I am understanding why he may not clean the kitchen after he makes breakfast before work. He has trouble sleeping and often sleeps in so needs to save as much time as possible.
Trisha, that kind of stability is beyond the reach of most people.
I am at the point where I really don't need to work right now, but that's because of disability benefits and parental leave. My husband works the night shift though, because if he worked days, we would not be as stable as we are.
So after Matilda is old enough to start the free daycare we have here in Sweden I will begin looking for work so that Johan can stop working as much as he does, because it's really not healthy, and we would like more time together as a family.
If I can find a job that pays 7000 swedish kr a month, I think we will be doing pretty well. Maybe not the best, but we will be able to afford a holiday somewhere warm each january, as long as it's not too far, and won't have to think so much about money as we do now.
Well, you work at anything, so I’ll agree you must work.
Even if you inherit you have to manage the money, so that is some work.
But, I know people that have worked, invested their money in real property, some stocks, and they don’t need to work anymore at all.
They didn’t start out rich, and are not wealthy now, but they can buy things they want.
Now, that want has to be in range of their means. If the wants are in range, then they buy and get exactly what they want.
They don’t want a personal jet, so affording one isn’t important, because they don’t want one.
They have income due to the real property, and stocks, so many flows in and they gain more money, so the savings grows.
When they get to a point, they invest some of the savings in to real property again.
Now let’s say you live in a modest house, and you own that modest house. You have several other properties generating cash flow.
You only spend a 3RD of that cash flow on day to day expenses.
This is food, utilities, outings. You are now financially 100% stable.
You have 2/3RD’s of your cash flow not being spent.
Even if the economy drops and you have to reduce the rents on your real estate, you have other real property, such as bonds that earn interest.
These are not stocks, so the value of the bond can only increase, even if interest rates drop.
On your stocks, you only have invested what you can afford to lose if the market crashes.
If you have luck, you draw the excess from the stocks and invest that in to real property, so you have more funds/cash flow generating.
To get there, you need some sort of job, or income while you are young.
While you work, or draw your income, you don’t live to the top of that income, so save some.
Sure, most people get to the 100% financially stable through jobs, but if you can’t, you use the money you draw from the system and budget it well.
What you want, and what you can have to be equal to what you can afford, or you aren’t going to ever get financially stable.
If you spend every penny you bring in and some above that without management, you have a cash flow problem.
Some people have millions of dollars, but still aren’t financially stable, because they have a billion dollar want racial.
This is why I say, and know, you can be financially stable.
As to the baby crawling about, you need some baby gates. It makes her feel as if she can go but she’s actually in a gated area. Smile.
You could get a large play pen too.
I do understand about your husband needing to sleep, I did agree on that.
I'll let the topic get back to the help me question.
I'll add, you don't have to be older to be financially stable. You can be young and do it, even a college student. It just requires planning.
One thing my son had when he was a baby was called a Jumperoo. I'll try to describe it. Imagine the seat similar to that found in a baby walker, the one where they sit up but their feet dangle through the holes. Now, attach that seat to a frame that is secure and stable. Attach it with padded and covered springs. The baby sits low enough to the ground that his feet can touch the floor. He'll jump and bounce until his heart is content and his body is pooped, and the dishes are done or Mom has had a shower. I'm not sure if I described it well enough but they're super safe so please don't start with the comments about leaving baby unattended. Put the jumperoo in the bathroom or kitchen and listen to the munchkin giggle maniacally while developing strong let muscles. There's also stuff on the tray of the seat for him to entertain his hands if he's so inclined. This was hands down my son's favorite thing from the time he could sit up until he outgrew it.
I would avoid the traditional Jonney Jumpups at all costs. Those are the ones that hang in the door. The one we had wasn't secure and the baby could have fallen out of it or choked himself on the straps. I put him in it once, saw the design flaws and took him out immediately. The jumperoo replaced it. At the time, 2004, it cost around $60 and was worth triple that.
I know what you mean. I never know the names for these things though. Lol
It is safe, and a great toy.
Some places have enough doors too. You close them, make sure the floors clean, and let your baby go.
If they hit the floor enough with the nose, they'll quit.
You can't lose them, nor can they go anyplace dangerous.
Loui, if I may ask, at what age can a child start daycare in Sweden? I know that in in the US a child can start as young as six weeks. I was just curious.
I'm afraid Wayne and Domestic Goddess, parents like us are probably written about in all their new magazines, the way we used to talk about the parents of former eras.
DG, Johnny Jump-up is another name for it.
Honestly, those walkers they've had for 40 plus years: the baby can walk around and still be sitting, just propelling themselves with their feet Plus, use that tray to put toys on.
When my Wife was working and I was at home, the daughter was around 1, I made dinner, cleaned up, all kinds of things when she was occupied. Our parents did the same thing.
I also used an inflatable wading pool. Not full of water, just a blanket or two, and she played in that for hours. She was too big for the play pen by then, and could get out if she wanted to.
A lot of what kills parents now is the expectations. I found it interesting to read an article from a psychologist that my cousin posted on Facebook where he talks about kids raised by parents who had all these expectations of themselves, and the kids grow up thinking the parents truly neurotic and go to therapy themselves on behalf of the parents.
Truly, hard as this sounds to ideologues, there is a serious common sense middle ground between Trisha and these new extremists.
Oh and as to breastmilk? Put it in bottles. Lol I fed ours all the time. I know, I know, they love to carry on about nipple confusion and the like. But the baby was hungry and mom was sleeping.
Look at us: We're 7 billion and counting. When it comes to parenting, we must by and large be doing something right.
To people like Trisha I'd just say: Put your thinking cap on. There are many ways to skin a cat. People who sell books and ideologies will pound out one single one that garners them an income. But there are just so many ways to manage this. Baby gates, jumping and walker toys, sit and spin, all sorts of gear. Little Tykes, or even their knock-off brands, are made of such durable plastic you can clean it in scalding water without incident. And once it dries, the toy works just as good as new.
You know what I gave my daughter to play with? She really wanted it, kept grabbing for it: One of my shoes. Took the laces out, washed it real good, and let her play with it, chew on it, do as she wished. She was around 1 at the time.
Again, there are so many ways to solve things without all the institutional overlords.
Leo, I'd love to read that article.
I know when my son is older, he's going to tell me that I really needed to chill the F out. Hell, even now, he's always saying to me, "Mom, why are you always worrying about everything?" I am a perfectionist by nature and I really have to work on not worrying about every little thing and how it will affect him. Also, anything that does go wrong isn't necessarily an indictment of me as a parent but rather sometimes just a matter of life happening.
we already have a walker for her, but our house is pretty small so we don't have her confined. rather we have to keep an eye on her once she gets going in it.
she only smacks her head on the floor when crawling or trying to sit up. a playpen wouldn't really help this.
Trisha, free daycare comes into play after the child is 1 year old and the next inskolning is available.
Some parents choose not to send kids right away. some prefer to wait till the child can walk.
All going well, Matilda will be about 14 months when she starts in August. I might choose to keep her home another couple of months if she can't walk properly though.
Probably you're right Leo.
My mom told me things to do, and they worked.
I dealt with 3 two sons and a daughter.
I'd say I had more to do as to the care of my daughter, and talk about it most, because I was home days.
My sons it was split, so bran ma's aunts and such took up that slack.
I remember cutting my youngest sons hair off before he turned a year.
It is terdition not to. They say you'll cut off his speeches.
He was 11 months old, and I didn't have the patients anymore to listen to him hollering when doing his hair, and his momma wasn't home to braid and do it the best way, so yeah, I cut off his speeches.
Nice and quiet after that. hahaha.
He talks up a storm to this day, so I guess it only hurt my mom and his mom's feelings.
Ok guys so it's been awhile since I posted here. So I have finally broken up with him and am wondering what to do next? I'm trying to apply for section8 again but that shit takes forever because of waiting lists. So now here's the question: How do I deal now? Should I leave even though I have a son or stick it out till the lease is up? Because frankly, I don't know how long we can live civily as exes until our lease is up which isn't till May of 2017. in case shit happens where he fucks me over like the last time but he was the one who ended it back then and this time I ended it. I'd rather not live with him but I have nowhere else to go till I get approved for Low Income housing. I'm not going back to him again, this is it. We're broken up for good because him taking my phone and lying about it was the last straw. He denied it but I'm almost certain he did it and I have my reasons and there's evidence that points to my accusation.
Women's shelters are great support services for people like yourself.
Your parents too.
I agree with forereel. Staying with an abusive partner after you have decided to end the relationship does not sound like the best strategy to me. Seeking out a women’s shelter or even a room for rent that may be a bit cheaper than an apartment would be good places to start. However, a women’s shelter would probably be your best bet as you should be able to go there right away and they would be able to help you find a more permanent form of housing that is affordable.
I cannot recall what if anything you may have said about your family, so they may or may not be an option for you. If they are willing to be supportive of you, I would safe that moving in with them could be an option. However, if they are not supportive of you, I would say that you would probably have better luck with the a women’s shelter or a roommate situation.
I know how difficult it can be to break free of abusive relationships for good. So I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in your life. You and your child deserve to be happy and safe.
I don't want to sound negative, but I wonder what sort of work you looked into. You have tried the system and they couldn't get you on assistance. Okay, next step would be trying to actually support yourself and your child.
Is a women's shelter really the best choice for a child though? I mean I generally don't trust people so I'm not sure if I can trust that Marshall would be safe there. I've tried applying for daycare positions and work at the YMDCA and I'm not getting anywhere. Also tried applying for the lighthouse for the blind but work there is not reliable as workers constantly seem to be getting fired or laid off. Also I think I'm not getting anywhere because my work history is way too far in the past, it's been 5 years since I've worked somewhere.
Not trying to make excuses but that's how my situation is right now in ll seriousness.
You're a single mom with a child. A women's shelter would be a good place to start, yes. they understand such things.
Regarding your lack of work: it's tough, but you just have to keep trying.
I'm in a worse position than you are there (nearly 33, and I've never had a job), but employment won't fall into your lap.
You'll make it but you need to pound the pavement.
Okay, so you are questioning whether or not it would be safe to take your child with you to a women’s shelter while your child has been growing up with an abusive father? I honestly do not understand. If you are eager to get out of your situation with your abusive partner, then it seems to me that you would at least be willing to check out a women’s shelter before automatically wondering if it would be safe for your child. There are shelters specifically for women and children to help escape abusive situations. These shelters are different than a homeless shelter, and could prove to be rather helpful for your situation. However, you are the only one who can make the decision to contact them for help and support. Good luck to you and your child.
A social worker? And, don't give me that they might take my child crap, cause they would have taken him a long time ago...
It is a social worker's job to help women without anywhere to live, and who has a child.
Post 366 said it well.
Women's shelters are specificly set up for people just like you.
Hello,
I did not read every single post, but think that if you aren't ready for a child, you should probably wait. Abusive relationships are difficult to escape, but consider the improvements you might have if you were to finally get rid of that partner for good?Although some of the posters were critical of you, I think they care about you and your child's safety. Take the suggestion of the women's shelter and follow through. People can provide you with all the advice in the world, but if you don't follow it or plan to, all of it becomes wasted words.
Margorp,
It's not that easy re: pounding the pavement. Hell even with two people, sometimes one of the parents will give up on work and stay at home with the child because, once you add up daycare, extra medications / sick time due to them being sick and all the rest, it's actually not a net benefit for both to work. Except a net benefit to the tax man perhaps.
That being said, it's way way harder for a single person taking care of a small child. In order for her to pound the pavement, she'd have to already have money to leave her child with someone, and go to interviews and such.
Single parents who actually do this are doing so with some external supports.
I was the one at home when the daughter was 1 for a few months. I've been telecommuting now for almost ten years. Although mine's now 22 but still lives with us and with an injury, she recently had to move back in. And has now got anxiety and other things.
Women's shelters provide day care for women needing to do interviews.
After you leave the shelter, you are on all the programs to assist you as a single parent if you really try.
Nothing is easy in this world. it comes to how willing are you to step out the first step. It is much more easier to sit on the front of the computer and talk about it but do nothing or do little about it than taking the phone, call social service, or get proper support or step on to the first step. If social service going to take away your child, they have good reason, and if you can't even take care of yourself, and making sure that you are bringing up your child in a safe environment, then, perhaps, the alternative might not be as bad. There are always two sides of the story. It is not the first time you come here and tell us how bad your sex partner is, and people have been giving you all sorts of advise, you didn't follow through, every few months you come on here and tell us the same old same old story. Only different is that your child is getting bigger, gorwing up, from an infent baby to now what, 2 years old or so? How much more months, or years will you like to sit on the computer and look at information and complain about your situations than doing something proactive, productive, and practical about it? Is about time to take the responsibility as an adult, as a parent, and do something about it!!!!!
I'm going to say this in a slightly nicer but still sort of firm way, and I hope it gets through. I've come to believe that it's all about the language we use, and it's easy to shut people down if you say the wrong thing the wrong way.
So, okay. Life is hard, Trisha. No one's going to discount that life is hard. You just got out of a bad relationship. You have my sympathies. You're trying to learn a lot of stuff that maybe you should've learned awhile ago, and you're getting there, but it's a struggle. You've got some sympathy there too.
So, it's hard. But that's not where it stops.
It's absolutely, 100% okay to say something is hard, but that shouldn't be the end of the discussion. So, so often, I see people in difficult times say "Well, it's hard to..." and then start complaining. The difficulty acts as a barrier, not just because it is one, but because you fashion it into one. Believe me, I've done this myself. This is not a holier-than-thou attitude I'm spouting here.
So here's my advice.
Any time you catch yourself saying, thinking, feeling or worrying that something is hard, stop right there, then ask yourself something like this. "Okay, so it's hard. What am I going to do about it? I can do this."
You may not find a way tomorrow. But instead of focusing on how hard it is - which can be extremely scary and daunting and debilitating - focus instead on what you're going to try to do. Then go ahead and try it. The worst thing that will happen is that it doesn't work. And the best thing that will happen is that hard things get a little easier.
In the case of finding a job or a women's shelter or whatever, yeah it's hard. But start making phone calls, sending emails, whatever it takes. Ask questions. Be a bit of a pest if that's what you need to do. Your baby's future, and your own for that matter, are at stake here. Here's something you've maybe forgotten about, but you deserve to have a good life. Whatever bad choices you may have made, whatever time you may not have spent too well, you still deserve a chance. So don't wait for the chance to fall on you; go out there and try to grab it.
I'm applying for section 8 as well but yeah can't really leave my current place till the lease is up. I mean even if I did, I don't trust that my ex wouldn't come after me with rent bs so it's easier to just stay but I am looking at my options for afterword. My friends told me that a shelter is not the best choice for me just because of how I am and lack of street smarts I have. That's what they say anyway.
Why would you need street smarts in a shelter? As I understand it, they provide quite well for the women and it's not as if fights break out.
Not only that, but there are organizations that provide transitional housing for people who have been homeless and who are getting back on their feet.
Becky
You need street smarts to live on the earth, so developing some would be wise.
The shelter your friends are talking about are homeless shelters.
A shelter for women with children is set up much differently.
If it is proven your X is abusive, and might come after you, they put you in a place he doesn't know you went to.
Unless you call him up and say, hey, I'm at, he'll not trace you.
Section 8 takes time, and in many cases is on a lottery system, so you might have to try for a few years.
A women's shelter cuts all that red tape.
You talk about these friends, why aren't they offering you shelter?
Also, you can't just say your X is abusive, you'll need some proof.
Plice records, medical records, something other then he gets mad at me and calls me a dirty bitch.
No, you don't need to prove he is abusive to go to a women's shelter, but if you don't want him knoing because it might be dangerous, that must be proven.
Your friends likely haven't spent time living in a women and children's shelter, so their opinions are just that, and speculation. This isn't your friends' decision to make, so look into it yourself.You are responsible for your little boy, and that's going to mean stepping out of your comfort zone, now, and probably many times over the next two decades.
I have a friend with four kids, one still a baby, who needed to stay in a shelter. She felt safe there, and never encountered the phantoms you are allowing to stop you from taking some action.
Well said, be a good parent and pick yourself up by the boot straps. Do what must be done.
I really like what was said in the last post by Shepherdwolf. Sounds like some really good words of advice there. As long as you keep making excuses for your situation, you will never get anywhere. So you can either choose to do something about it, or you can choose to remain in the situation. But at the end of the day, the choice is up to you.
they still insist that I will not do well in a women's shelter that it's rough there just saying. one of my friends has been there and she says it's not for me specially since I'm lind and all.
In that case, you're stuck.
If that friend won't take you in, and your family, or boyfriends family won't what next?
You'll need to just deal until maybe you get an option otherwise.
I suppose you could start looking for another man that will support you and child?
Smile.
Here's my 2 cents worth. In post 373, Shepherd Wolf said it much better than I probably can. But in addition, I will say this to give you some food for thought, but please don't spend too much time thinking because doing something positive to help yourself is way overdue. You Patricia, are the only protecter for your child. Put another way, you are the only person in this whole damned world to keep your innocent helpless child safe. Because you brought this child into this world, I believe that you bear 100%of the responsibility for providing a healthy, safe enviorenment for your child. Now I understand if you personally can't provide that care, but to continue to make excuses for not taking advantage of all the resources that are available to you for helping yourself and your child is inexcusable. Tough words I understand. But this is a tough situation for this child to endure one minute longer.
My friend is helping me look for places. We're using his phone to call since I don't have mine due to my ex taking it though he denies it. We've called at least 5 numbers today. The only thing I'm worried about now is the ex coming after me with the rent if I leave before my lease is up which isn't for another 6 months. But as my friend said, low income housing can't be put on hold so if I get a place, I should take it bubt that is my one concern since I can't afford to pay rent here and the new place and I don't trust my ex not to do that shit. He's fucked me over before and I know he'd do it again so not sure what to do about that situation.
I agree with lalady. Raise your kid.
Trisha, if you still live in mo, check this site for lifeline cellphone service there are a few options.
http://www.fasts.org/by-state/missouri-government-cell-phone-providers/
The Center for Independence has been a big help for me since I've lived on my own. This one serves your area. Give them a try.
Disability Resource Association
130 Brandon Wallace Way
Festus, MO 63028
Phone (636) 931-7696
TTY (636) 937-9016
E-mail dra@disabilityresourceassociation.org
website disabilityresourceassociation.org
They may be able to answer your questions on how to break your lease. Good luck.
It's certainly a start
Can't come after you for the rent.
Unless your names the only name on the lease, if you leave for spousal abuse, that frees you from liability.
Next, if you just leave, he's left, so whoever you pay rent to comes after the person they have.
That be him.
If he leaves, then maybe the person you pay rent to will attempt to sue you both for the rent, but that also takes time.
This is all the more reason you need to seek the pros at the shelter. They will take care of this sort of thing for you, if it happens.
Calling 5 numbers and finding low income housing tomorrow, still leaves you going before the lease is up, right?
So, that argument is void, don't you think?
If I call you up today, and say, look, I've got an extra bedroom, come on over, what are you going to do?
If you presay call the next number, and the management says, yeah, we have a cacant place, what are you going to do?
If you are worried about him, and I mean really worried about him coming after you for the rent, why are you calling around to find another place?
Your 6 months is still not going to be up?
Are you saying, you're staying 6 months?
Again, and answer this question, why doesn't your friend take you in?
And I don't understand why you keep referring to your ex. I know you feel abused, but he has nothing to do with your current situation. The fact is, some kid fell out of your front door and that makes you responsible. It's easy for us to feel sorry for ourselves but at the end of the day we need to look out for number one. We all have to do that.
Thanks for the numbers and info. I will check them out. My friend won't take me in cause his place is not the best environment for a baby and plus the last time I lived with him he felt I fucked him over but that's complicated so I won't go into that.
Then he is an ass and you just need to do what you need to do. If he won't support you he isn't a friend.
Um, I wouldn't go quite that far. Some [people are just not well set up to take in a single mom with a child. I know I'm not, for instance. I might (key word, might) be able to do it in a true emergency, for a fairly short time, but it would be a mighty tough skate.
Trisha, some places which have phone numbers also have email addresses/websites you can look at, and if you don't really have good access to a phone, then email is a way that you can be proactive without relying on other people.
You have multiple people here telling you that the sort of shelter you're after will be safe, vs. the friend of yours with whom you have a complicated history saying it wouldn't be ideal for you because you're blind. Tough call, but none of us are out to fuck you over, and none of us actively want you to fail, so please bear that in mind. Many of these women's shelters are geared for people just like you, who need a little help getting on their feet. It's not easy, but nothing is anymore.
If you're living in the place you've been in for awhile now, and your ex has left, whose name is on the lease? If you don't know this, ask your landlord. If both names are on the lease and your ex already took off, he's technically in breach. You, though, aren't necessarily locked in for six months. Talk to your landlord. Tell him your situation and your plans. A lot of times, people are allowed to break rental leases like that under extenuating circumstances as long as there's like two to four weeks notice. Maybe the U.S. is vastly different here but I don't think so.
Good luck. I hope you get some balls rolling soon.
Yes and if your ex were to try funny business you can call the police. The cops don't take kindly to abusers.
Don't know where you've been calling, but there are 19 listings in and near St. Louis Mowith 1 bedroom apartments on the hud website for families meaning you can live there with your baby. Here's the site.
portal.hud.gov
If you can get an appointment set up at that disability resources place, a housing advocate can call around with you, help you fill out the applications once you get them if you don't have enough vision to do it yourself or have no one to help you at home, plus shed more light on the shelter situation. Also, are you apose to moving out of town or out of state? I only ask because you might be able to move faster the more places you apply to.
To fellow zoners, if you or someone you know has wind of any low income apartment complexes with open waiting lists and/or vacancies, please post here. It might not only help our friend Trisha but another in need. Truck on, girl!
If I'm understanding correctly, her X is still there. They are just split.
Call 211 on your friend's phone. Or go to 211search.org
These are people in your community who will want to help you.
I do things in my community for both hunger and disaster relief. Many of us who do this are just ordinary average people that live and work in the community.
Call 211, or go to 211search.org
They'll help get you set up somehow. But you need to go with their advice, at least be ready to do more than talk about why you can't.
Trisha, at some point in time you will need to find a way to stand up for yourself and your child despite what your so-called friends tell you what you should do. So what if your friend does not think that a women’s shelter specifically designed to help women and children escape abusive relationships is the best thing for you. Given your other options at this point in time, what harm could it possibly do to actually contact a women’s shelter and find out for yourself if this type of place would work for you? In some cases, a women’s shelter like this may even provide you with a phone that you could use to secure more permanent options for your situation.
According to all of the messages you have posted on here, it does not appear as though what you are currently doing is working for you. Generally, if you want to change something, you have to find a new way of doing things. If you are not willing to do something different, if you are not willing to try something new, then things will continue to remain the same.
People have provided plenty of suggestions as to what might help your situation. However, the only person who can do something with these suggestions is you. Personally, I am starting to get frustrated that most of the suggestions made on here have automatically been turned down without much consideration or investigation as to whether or not they could actually help your situation.
Generally, when a person is serious about changing their situation in life, they are willing to make changes in their lives to create this change. And most of the time, it is the smaller changes we make in life that really creates significant changes in our lives.
Well said and I will ad this:
You made the choice to reproduce, now make the choice to get cut loose. It doesn't seem like you want to do anything but complain.
Smile.
Women's shelters provide many things.
Phones, food, clotheing, housing, jobs, day care, school programs, you name it.
This man won't take you in, but his advice is what you follow?
So be it. This will be my last post unless something changes that is interesting to add to.
Two words for your X coming after you: restraining order. Do what's best for you and your child and get some help.
Oh yeah I didn't even think about the restraining order angle.
The title of this topic is "please help me, I feel trapped." Yet, the OP continues to complain, despite the numerous helpful suggestions people have made, to help give her pushes to get out of her situation. I don't like saying this, but it seems the OP likes attention and drama; forget the baby she made, it's more fun to talk about how everyone but *her* is screwing up. That is beyond sad.
I agree with Chelslicious completely. In my opinion, the child should not be returned to the custody of Patricia unless she gets her act together enough to take care of herself. If she can't do that , taking care of a child should not be an option for her. Sad to say, but not everyone that can make a baby is equipped to want to or be able to take care of that baby. It's unclear to me at this time as to whether Patricia is unwilling or unable to make the changes in her life to raise her child. But right now, that really isn't relevant. The main priority is the physical safety, and both the emotional and nutritional health of the child. I'm glad that someone stepped in to intervene in this sad situation for him.
Yes, Trisha is nothing but a baby machine. Sad isn't it?
No. You can't put that on her honestly.
She's only got one.
Most girls that are "baby machines" would have more by now.
Just needs some guidance herself.
I certainly didn't mean to imply that she is a baby machine. Honestly, Patricia has enough probllems without adding that fault. But I'm not sure that guideance can work a miracle either. She's already had access to lots of guideance and that hasn't made an appreciable difference in her ability to be agood parent. I stick by my original statement that not everyone who makes a baby is equipped to either want to or be able to handle that responsibility.
I didn't mean to be harsh but it annoys me to no end when I hear of women cranking out kids and not doing what needs to be done to properly care for the kid.
Guess I've been harsh too, but I'll not apologize until there is clear evidence that Patricia has been a good parent after all. I've based my opinions entirely on the words straight from Patricia describing her situation for the best part of this year. I'm glad that baby is in better hands now.
Margorp, you shouldn't feel bad for speaking the truth.
Wayne, I can't believe you: saying that this shouldn't be put on Trisha, when the reason she's in this situation, is because of what, she, did!! She and her boyfriend laid down and made a baby, so yes, what happened is because of her, along with the irresponsible choices she made.
I must say that I too, am relieved that Marshall is in better hands now. I hope things stay that way, for his sake as well as Trisha's.
Well one part of Trisha works but it isn't her brain I'll say that.
All I'm saying is she's not a baby machine.
You want to know about some baby machines, I got true stories.
Girls with 4 and they've not turned 21 yet.
Hopefully here she's taking or has some device that is keeping her to one.
1 is a mistake, 4 is a machine that doesn't care.
I wasn't talking about the extreme. Maybe she is a machine set on low power.
Nope, just a girl that needed some guidance.
That could come from the man she's with, or other, but it has to be close to her most likely to get her to do it.
Look at how she's gotten good suggestions here, but continues to come up with reasons why they won't work?
If you knew all the suggestions, as she seems to have, won't work, why'd she ask?
I can't say this is so, but I'd bet good money, if the man she was with told her she was going to take care of their child while he was out working, and do other task, she'd do them.
If he came home and the house was clean, his child cared for and he praised her, she'd try hard.
If he was upset, I think it make a difference.
Odd concept, but I'd love to see if I'm right.
I base my opinion on her background being adopted and all.
We'll never know because she never came on to do any follow up post.
She'll be back. Usually does.
What does her being adopted have to do with this?
He was diving into her psychology for a second. This is mostly about her getting her shit together.
I don't think for a second that her being adopted has anything whatsoever to do with this. I haven't had a family to help me since I was 20 years old either, but I live on my own and support myself. That's why I'm saying, Trisha can too. If she had the drive to want to make her life better for herself or her son, she could, and would, do so. I doubt it would matter who tells her how she could get out of this situation; she seems bound and determined to do what she wants, and she has to want to make things better. Doesn't seem like she does, from all the posts I've seen of hers.
Someone else has the kid? How'd I miss that one?
Exactly my point. She was taken from a country that does not care for blind people. Her adopted family over compensated for this by not giving her much of anything to learn. Once you get use to people just taking care of you, and directing you’re live, it is not easy to get on and start directing your life. She chose a man so she doesn't have to be alone.
Sort of cleaving on to someone. If he directed her life in a positive manner, she'd learn some of the skills she requires. It is much like making someone feel good about the things they have learned. Positive feedback even works on us that are able, so think about the affects it might have on someone that is used to it? She's able to tell us things won’t work because we're not there directly saying yes, they do, and if you care about me you'll try.
This is absolutely a theory of course.
On the other hand, some folks just don’t give a damn about anything at all. The pretend they do, but if they’ve lived a life where they didn’t have to and all the people around them didn’t care either, it is much like trying to change the ocean tide.
The term "baby machine" usually refers in derogatory fashion to a woman who has had multiple children. It most often is applied to younger women, or to those who have produced many offspring. The term does not apply to Trisha here.
Wayne, that's an interesting theory you put forward. It might even be true, to a point at least. I don't think it excuses things, but it might explain things a little. Some people, no matter how hard you may try to help them, just...aren't wired to change, or so they believe. Having had plenty of struggles with trying to change my life and break my bad habits, I can tell you it's not easy. That doesn't grant me a license to give up, but it's not as simple as flicking some mental switch and being better about everything.
Fine then if you don't like her being called a baby machine I'll just call her a vending machine. Like it or not, she is some sort of machine.
Like I have said in my earlier posting, I believe Patricia has enough issues without being assigned the label of being a baby machine, Margort. However, I do understand your disgust with her irresponsible behavior and I too share that opinion. Also, I agree completely with what Shepherd Wolf said in his last posting. But I'll go a step further and surmise that Patricia really doesn't want to change to make things better for herself because maybe she enjoys the attention for herself even though it is all negative. I'm more than a bit weary of hearing her excuses.
Ah, could be. Have some problems, get people talking to you.
SmilingSunshine, Trisha posted in another thread that her boyfriend's parents took the baby. No further details, except that someone said he was under weight, and needed to socialize more.
And that is what annoys me. That kid suffered under her care and I think she should not be allowed to get the child back.
Ah, thanks. Sadly, I can't say I'm surprised.
Wow, 5 pages. Has to be a record, lol.
Hello, I would glad to shed some light on the entire issue since I'm the boyfriend.
Seems since I haven't been on here for awhile. Trisha T has been busy here. So the
short story is as follows. We have a son. The fact that I work a blue collar job tires
me out. That on top of she has to have our son in our full size bed, which left no
room for me. So I slept on the couch. Besides the job, only stuff I would do is
errands like the laundry mat. Also Sunday nights I would play dominoes at my
cousins. Trisha does play dominoes and my cousin and her dislike each other. After
we moved to a much nicer home in a way nicer area. All thanks to me working to
part-time jobs. Some days I worked 12 hour days. When I would be available away
from earning money, I was with my gf and son. Except for playing dominoes as my
only social interactions. Trisha finds an internet love interest on playroom. They
became secret BF and GF starting in August 2016. While telling me she loved me
and yet distancing herself. Even though she had been so well since becoming a first
time mother, she went down hill. Even to the point of neglecting him. I had noticed
her talking way to much to that guy and the neglect. So we had plenty of fights. I
found out about the secret BF and our relationship ended the day day before
Halloween. I had to get my son to a safe enviroment. He had not gained weight in
months and constantly had diaper rash. Plenty of other people have noticed about
possible neglect. There was one night after work, I got some grocceries and came to
her sleeping in bed all covered up. While Marshall was running around trying to eat a
piece of glass cup he had found. Her life was and still focused on her online social
life. As the father whom always wanted and had the means for a child that was
horrifing. This is coming from the only person that believed she could and would be
a good mother. Parenting and committed relationships require team effort. She
played selfishly. So now our family is broken and she makes it all out to be my fault.
No I'm not perfect. Though I would be nice if Trisha T. would take on her share of
responsibility instead of that being majority on me. I will be starting a new
discussion based on this. That will be called: Drowning under all this Drama.
I'd be interested to read the other side. Always knew there was one.
Yes, I'm glad you shared your story. Now we can piece together the madness though I'm not exactly on Trisha's side.
Thanks for sharing your side, it's great to hear the other side. I too am not impressed with Trisha at all and I sincerely hope that she is not given back you all's son for the safety and well-being of all involved.
She has been a good mother before, she has made some mistakes. Now she has to
suffer the consequences. Unfortunately Marshall has suffer as well.
So is this some sort of crisis she's having?
Honesty I have no idea. All I know is that there has been more than enough drama.
There have been several big instances of drama during Our relationship. I thought we
got passed all that mess then all of the current mess.
Sounds like you're ready to give her the boot.
No. Some women are just the girls.
You love their dirty panties even when they aren't good for you.
It takes a man time to find one that is better, or he wakes up.
Smile.
Wayne is right. There are women, and then there are girls. There is a huge difference between the two. Trisha is clearly a girl.
Wow Wayne, the last post must be one of your best. Haha.
I do believe that there are people that live on the dramas, for better or for worse.
However, whatever it is, whoever she is, it is not the main problem here, what is
important and the most urgent is the little kid. Whatever you both do on or in the bed, or
beyond that, it are your both personal issues. I believe there is no single right party, just
like i don't believe there is only one single wrong party.
You both choose to get in bed, think with your other heads instead of your brain, is about
time both of you be adults, and think of the result of your few minutes of pleasure. He is
the most innocent in this mess, and as parents, or as responsible adult, or adults, is about
time you guys make it right for him. If, by making right means that giving him up for
adoption so that he has a better life and better future, then be it.
here I agree with joanne, only important issue is the baby. and I'll stick my neck out here because I'm not ashamed. I bite my daughter's nails, sanitize those little hands and brush and mouth wash. I know, your going to say, still not a good idea. but it's the safest I feel, and I'm not about to go in with clippers. I'm totally blind, and maybe there are ways to clip, but as my child is one and can't stay still for more than 30 seconds, I refuse to try. biting her nails I know I'm not cutting at the quip and nor am I cutting her skin.
second, I cant count how many times I sweep and vacuum a day. in the morning before she can reek havoc in the living room where she has all her toys, then after every meal, and whenever I feel necessary. I have plenty of guests, and all my friends know to put their trash away. unless they wanna hear me bitch, trust me I wll.
not sure how I feel about a five month on the floor. maybe I coddle my baby too much, but at five months only time she was on the floor was tummy time. I just was too afraid even after mopping and sweeping, because my roomate had a dog that shedded. so I never was comfortable with that. once six months came around and I could designate floor space for her it was different. now in our new house, she runs around my living room and kitchen, because it's all baby proof. and her room is only for nap times, getting dressed and sleeping.
I want to remind people that She was doing a great job for a while. I'm not quite sure
when and why She went down hill. I've tried to inquire multiple times. We were doing
good for our relationship. Maybe I screw up in the relationship part. but if she feels like
she can not communicate and tells me what she thinks I want to hear. How can we
figure stuff out. Marshall is and will be fine.
and you have a point. also you cant sit here and say, maybe it was my fault"
we are individuals, and while yes cause and effect is a roleplying game. we choose our paths
example, someone eats all my doughnuts.
I can go and fight them over it,
or be an adult and ask them why and tell them, not to be rude like that.
choices choices.
I know she isn't perfect. Neither am I, but all I can do is communicate. Sometimes that
is just openly bitching about something that happened to me. We had figured out the
stupid stuff before Marshall. Honestly I'm just sitting on the floor just upset by all this.
No matter what, this is crazy.
Did I read correctly that you bite your daughters nails? Oh my.
Yes You did read correctly. Bite the nails allows more control over safety than aiming
slicing tool towards a baby or toddler that fights back.
exactly quorey. I also said I sanitize her hands, and brush my teeth. while yes there might still be germs, I feel much safer. so margorp, you regularly cut children's nails with nail clippers? if not, shush. I want you to sit on the floor with a one year old, tell me how successful you are doing it with a ball of joy. mine refuses to even sit in my lap unless it's time to sleep. she rather be running about.
My nails were cut normally when I was real little. How? I'm not sure but it was done. Sorry I didn't realize biting them was common practice.
you'd be surprised how many women do it, even sighted women. I got the idea from lots of the women in my family. my nails were cut with clippers as well when I was two or three years, then my mom could coax me better into staying still. coaxing a one year old isn't going to happen. they do what they want, when they please.
Marshall's mother always had to bite his nails, He did not like it. That is the best she
could do. Now my sister had tried to use nail clippers and fail horriblely. A day later He
was perfectly contemp with me using nail clippers. There is no such thing as a perfect
parent. Just those that accomplish their best. If a person doesn't have kids, maybe the
should not give their opinion/advice.
biting them is simply the safe way even for people that see. I bit all mines nails.
I think people go over board. Women use to chew the babies food too when they didn't have blenders and such so the child could eat folks.
Biting nails just isn't major.
I think a women that does the best and not the normal is smartest.
Yes, I don't have kids and should probably stay quiet. Fare enough. But don't tell me I shouldn't have an opinion on the subject. I wasn't passing judgment. All I did was question the practice.
No harm in having an opinion. You don't have to have kids to have ideas.
I think parents who go by these books and such end up going crazy and just getting back to basics, but that's me.
I had aunts, a mamma, and lots of women around that did the kid training/raising teaching.
They were all nail gbiters.
Laughing.
Yes, I was adopted. and crazy i's isn't entirely right about the being my boyfriend at this point and time, we are not together now. We are exes, just making that clear.
I think you still need to sit and sort this out. Like it or not, he still has a say as he is the father.
So, I've tried looking on sites and all the housing suggestions yall gave here and nothing. The low income place my friend and I've found are either way out there where public transportation aren't easily accessible or the places are only for disabled senior citizens who are 65 and older. The low income places are also out of my price range for living on my own. I've tried writing an add on cl for roommates and still nothing. I've also tried looking for a roommate deal on there no luck. My lease is up at the end of March and I still haven't gotten anywhere with housing for myself. I've called 211 and they told me they don't help with housing. I've called tons of the numbers between the last post back in November and still, no cigar.
No. A low income place would go by your income. That is how they are designed and that is for all cities.
Try again. Smile.
You've got another option too.
Simply do your part and your job when the man's out earning that rent and other necessities.
That, from what I've read could solve many things.
Job description just in case you require it.
Man, gets home.
Kid is happy, fed, clean, and safe.
House is reasonable clean.
Beers cold.
Dinner, and the dirty panties you just slipped in to his pocket are hot.
No drama.
Your hobbies don’t include his friends unless he doesn’t mind this.
Do this, and that problem you got with your lease being up will disappear.
I guarantee it.
Sorry, just had too.
Smile.
Wow wayne 3 posts in a row. Lol. Now for you Trisha?
I'm actually getting annoyed with you because you are playing the poor female marter. I hate that and I'm sure nobody around you don't care for it to much ether. You didn't try.
Snowy day. Have a cold. So...
Laughing.